This is not the first time I’ve said this, I know. Believe me, it’s not even the first time I’ve felt it.
I feel like I’m going to just be a single mother forever because every time I fall for a guy, it’s never as it seems.
There are moments when I think… “maybe it will work if… maybe they care enough now and oh… well maybe if I act this way they will…”
It’s no use though, because I know in my heart of hearts that someone either cares or they don’t.
They either love you, or they love you in a whole different way then you love them. Or even love you in a way that is so not the way they say they have loved you.
I think people can become blind when they are in the moment and the one on the receiving end is so clearly experiencing everything on such a deep level that it becomes so overwhelming to bear.
That is how I feel.
I feel like I am looking at my experiences under a microscope unintentionally of course and I see things so clearly and things have become so vivid to me, it’s tainted what little I have left because I know the truth of it all.
The truth is hard to bare.
I feel so alone. I don’t think anyone I know understands me there. At least it doesn’t seem as such.
I feel like I have another beautiful child on the way and once again no one to share it with. No one to rub my ankles when they get sore. No one to hold my hair when I’m sick. Comfort me when I’m emotional and feeling down. Reasure me when I feel uneasy about things I am going through. I have no one to look into my eyes and tell me they would never want to hurt me and actually mean it. Or think of me in ways that let me know they care. When I have house chores, offer to help or lighten the load a bit, by helping me get to the laundry mat. I have no one to share meals with, or laugh with to a favourite show. No one to go on date nights with and go for long walks and shop until our feet hurt. Stay up talking until we fall asleep.
I am just me with my children, which is a wonderful thing, but it’s not the same.
I was a child and I dreamed a dream of a beautiful family of my own, one far off from the house I grew up in. A family with a man who loved me so deeply and who I loved him which I don’t even need to mention here because I fall easily and always seem to fall too hard for men who don’t give the same in return. Instead it’s I who isn’t giving enough always. It’s okay though, because some need more than others in relationships. I just want fifty fifty.
I know it’s going to be awhile now before I ever meet anyone because I am having my fifth child and I am on welfare… so many facets about me that would turn a guy off, yet I know that the right guy wont care about all that stuff, but I worry that he even exists.
Do I get love? Do I get my dream?
I feel so alone it hurts inside.
I don’t even have a friend. I’d even settle for a good friend.
“Tears” I guess I got to learn to let go of my dream and just be thankful for what I have, but the loneliness hurts. Especially now.