Niki is finally in a day care, well technically he’s only went one day and I was there with him, so he can’t fully take the, “in the day care” status at this point. Soon though. I loved how his face lit up with smiles and laughs while at the day care for the short while we were there.
I don’t know what it is about children, but they always seem to flock to me when i am in child environments. All the children kept coming up to me, talking to me and asking me questions and getting me to read them books. I swear they thought I worked there, either that or they really liked me. One little girl smiled at me and then hid her face, being shy. Adorable to say the least. I am so glad Niki gets to be in an environment around other children.
I can’t believe how fast he is growing up, he jibber jabbers a lot now and is understanding more and more each day and finally thinks of his brother as more than just a slug on the floor that sings babbles.
I love being a mommy so much and my children mean everything to me.
Niki goes to the day care twice a week for this month to get him used to it, but then he will only be going once a week, but it will still be very beneficial for his development I think. He was babbling much more after leaving the day care and he was only there for an hour. Can you imagine what he will be saying and understanding after a few hours, without mommy there to distract him from learning all he can from the teachers and other children.
It’s been ages since I last wrote a blog and I have many excuses for it, but none that will convince you. You will just have to trust me when I say, I just didn’t feel like taking the time to write about my life.
Why should I write about my life, it’s going good? Humans are strange that way, lucky for me I am an alien though so everything I do is strange. I write about my life when there are troubles in it, or when there are not, like now. I am unpredictable. No, this doesn’t make any sense, that’s the point of it.
Okay, seriously, I swear there is a bee haunting me because I can literally hear buzzing from memory in my bedroom from when I saw a bee there trapped earlier today and now it’s gone? So where the hell did it go?
Of course I hear buzzing, because it’s some where, even if it’s not in my house any more. It’s out there.
Another thing thats bothering me is the fact that I can’t seem to pass level 79 in Candy Crush on face book. If you have no idea what I am talking about, you must be too busy with real life to know about it. That means you suck. “Just saying”
Candy Crush has been mind boggling and each time I pass a level the excitement lasts about a minute before i want to defeat the next level and the next until I pass my boyfriend in it who has managed to do a lap around me he’s so ahead. Even my mom passed me in that game at one point, it’s insanely hard and I swear the levels keep getting harder. Those dang chocolates that just wont die and like to flock together like zombies wanting my brains just keep covering the entire game board of candies and defeating my purpose, which is to devour and concur the level.
I know face book can make you become excessive in status updates and its unlimited supply of games that want you to pay for special treats to pass the levels faster then anyone and technically become a cheater in secret.
Face book is a genius, it has everyone buzzing around and posting when they took a shit or what they ate a for breakfast. pineapple. At one point I found myself telling face book everything I was doing. i couldn’t stop, I had to share with everyone that I was making dinner and taking a shower. I had to tell face book about my day and what happened in it and it got so excessive my brother commented on how I don’t need to share all that stuff. He’s wrong, that’s what face book wants. We are all lerkers now, it’s what life has made us now, we all must know. We must know more and must know all about everyone.
If you get asked out by a guy or girl, what do you do? You check their face book of course. Are they regular, do they already have a significant other, are they a loner. Do they post when they take a shit? I mean I wanna know. You have to pass the face book check.
Lucky for me, someone has to pass more checks then face book status checks and picture albums, but that’s just being smart.
Well this blog was absolutely pointless and useless to anyone. I have succeeded in my goal. Yay me!
Beginning ways of hidden treasure
beyond the eyes is my forever
a walk of kindness a dance of darkness
hands of yellow his eyes of fire balls
Burning lungs of distant stains
they lay their love beneath their mane
Token taken from my hands
My heart is sealed to one forever
I dare not speak, my feelings quiver
They walk a line I’ve drawn for centuries
Living by the hands of now
far from the plan I have on measure
beyond my help I cannot help them
I once again am rendered helpless
I watch as they begin to shelter
In smokey clouds and thumbly footsteps
I hold their hand and walk beside them
My love keeps me here no matter their pleasures
I pray for change, fore I was blinded
Blinded by their smoke and their guilty pleasures
Will their ways turn into starlight
Or are they waiting for me to bath in all their pleasures
The girl I was never
The girl I will never be
If only love was a cure, but their is no cure
to someone’s pleasures
Do I speak, or dance in cloudy circles surrounding me
Life seemed pretty traitorous and I stepped on a lot of stones along the way and fell into a shit load of holes that caused me the challenges to try and climb out without completely cutting the shit out of myself and falling back in. I have had a hard journey and through it have gained experience and insight that will guide me through the next challenges that I am to face. Life is like that, sometimes I want to scream at it and say, What the Hell!
Its mind-blowing the way it sneaks up on you and its full of blessings when it gives you love and wondrous gifts along the way which dont make any sense within your situation. I will never understand life on planet Earth. Being an alien and all, how can I. This planet is strange and much to my surprise filled with many people i dont like.
I would like to meet life and form some sort of understanding and be able to walk without falling in the many holes it keeps casting infront of my feet and for right now i see clear road ahead of me, but if life is planing a whole nother hole for me to fall into, we are going to have to have a big discussion because its so not cool. I know Im not making any sense and at this point your now curious minds are spinning like mice in a hamster cage thinking it leads to cheese. i dont really have a point though and Im not trying to give out any information. This blog has absolutely no point, its just for entertainment of my mind. I felt like writing and this is what my hands typed. blame the writer.
It could be because Im alien, that seems to be my excuse for everything, and a good one at that. Making sense isn’t part of the alien brain, we are confusing and unpredictable and sexy little beings we are. We are full of life and love and passion and will make your mind do flips and send your heart on an adventurous rollarcoasters until you throw us off a few times too many and then we will fly through the sky like a bird and land in someone else’s world and begin again until we find that special human or alien who can walk on our level and sing from the same tune or eat from the same fruit.
Making any sense yet… dont answer that, just keep reading and maybe i will come to my point. I doubt it though, i just want you to read my blog because its why i write it. I like to entertain and I like to make you think and gain insight even if that means not learning anything but how to raise one of your eyes brows and say, okay… that was… and click the tab that sends you away from my blog only to come back to it later to raise another eye brow. I am just that awesome.
So since i have rambled and wasted about 2 minutes of your time and caused you to raise your eye brows probably a few times I will end with a poem, since you all seem to adore my poetry for what ever reasons you do. I dont blame you, who doesn’t like something alien, right.
Sounding solids in mystic time
there is a calling for mystic rhymes
in times of need we sound our chimes, but sounds of bells bring mountain tides
waters wave from left to right
sun burns bright of flames of light
we cover bodies we cover lies
your evil ways have caused blood lines
begin their journey, begin their time
here come the walkers, prepare your knives
scratch no service of uplifted flies
end all suffering from your countless tries
lay so still on a watery ground
angels calling, here comes Gods nine
Break over mountains, burn down the shields
no armor can destroy what is written in lives
sound the trumpets, sound the song
red ribbon the magic of the new found land of everlasting love
My book Aquarian has now arrived. I love it so much, it looks incredible and I feel so great to have accomplished it and to have wrote this touching magical story that is filled with so much love, passion, action, mystery and fantasy that will bring a whole knew look on life once you read it. Enter the world of Ava Jewel by picking up a copy of Aquarian TODAY!
Inner peace of sacred mind. Spirt bound of countless time. He knows no bounds to what he thrives, he knows no mercy to my vines. He takes and does not give no line, he waves his hand and throws his wine. I dare not gaze upon his eyes, he glares of hatred, my tongue is tied. I know no words he speaks his lines, I know no way to meet his size. Over shadows he glares me down, above my collar he holds his time. Dare he speak his words of false truth. Dare he cast his useless fruit of bitter taste on bitter tongue. Dare he stare me down in hate, with witness eyes behind windows pine. Dare he point and snicker loud, dare he sing his pride aloud. Religious hat he seals his crown, but behind his feathers he strikes me down. His words of swords, he dares to pry.
I know not of this man, I know not of his ways. I know not of his wisdom of false face. I know not of his hands, he has no touch, his voice is silent and his eyes are blind. I do not know this man who stares, who cuts me down and points his prize. I do not know this man, not I.
Tricky tongue of saucy hands, his hair grows long and his shadows fade. He paints his portrait, you force your gaze. This man is not who he claims to be, he is not your friend and not in faith. I do not know this man, do you?
Niki went out without the double stroller for the first time. I taught him how to hold on while walking and he did the whole way to the park n back. I am so proud of him.
I couldn’t believe how well he listened to me, I was a little worried because I was going to bring our puppy Mimi with us but she was tangling her leash around the stroller just after leaving my apartment and I chickened out. I thought, hmm… chasing Niki and a dog, not so good. So I decided to teach Niki how to listen and walk with the stroller and then build up to taking the puppy with us. Niki did so well that once we reached the park and I sat down on a bench he waited for me to tell him it was okay to go play and then when he saw me leaving he ran up to the stroller and held on and walked with me home without my having to even ask him to. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock and happy at the same time. He made me so proud and I told him how he did such a wonderful job listening and walking next to me. He’s wearing a harness as well, but it can unhook the strap part. He wasn’t hooked on so he was walking on his own. I know some people frown on a harness on a child, but I am going to be frank with you all as a concerned parent. If you have to peer your eyes away from your child for a second to look both ways or what ever it may be, your child could easily dart it across the road and god only knows what then. So a harness is a wise choice when there are cars present. I have three children with disability so I had to use it on them to go for walks because they didn’t quite understand that it was dangerous until around four years old.
I am so happy for Niki, look at him
He’s growing up so fast and becoming such a good handsome well behaved little man.
Sometimes life cuts you short and casts you out and no matter how many weights hold you down you fight to lift them off of you. Strength is internal and it rises in us each time we fall, it is to a virus as it is to a cell fighting it off and once it finds the cure it remembers how to over come it. We come through many obstacles in life and some of the most challenging are the ones that connect to our emotional core. My heart is a song and it plays what I feel. My mind is a scrabble board always trying to think of the right words to make the best move forward. My life casts so many shadows and every ray of light that catches my eyes I take a moment and breathe in and out and take a second to capture what I am about to step into. I have learned to slow down and pear out. I have learned to enjoy and how to use my emotions and words in the best ways I can. I have learned many things, but none prepare you for the next obstacle you have no logic or experience in. Life is a coconut.
I just wanna break the damn thing open and taste the milk inside and eat from the core, but it’s hard outer layer protects the flavor, the magic inside from damage and false taste. It allows us the ability to gain patience and structure and strength. it gives us the possibility to find our own way in and enjoy what lies within.
When will I taste of it’s magic… when will I swim in my silky bath of goodness and devour the secret withheld at hand.
The Beginning
There was a time when life made sense,
when living was more than another day,
where a life was more than a second glance, a
taste more than a flavour, a sound more than
a whisper. There was a time my eyes could
effortlessly open to a morning where everyone
I ever cared about, ever loved and lived with,
laughed and cried with was there when I opened
my eyes.
That life was gone, leaving me alone in a
cold dark world filled with the blood of my family.
A scar would remain on my heart; a tear would
permanently stain my cheek.
To forget, how could I when all that had
mattered to me had burned from beneath me.
A title wave of lava burning my body and mind,
chaining me down to the grounds beneath me I
struggled to break free. Why
Why would I try to break free when I wanted
nothing more than to die, nothing more than to
join my family, to join my kind, but how could I.
I could not die I was immortal. I could not
run away from the truth that was before me, I
was weak and helpless. I was dream deprived,
I was lost and alone in a big world filled with
nothingness but the sound of my own heart
beating, my breath rapidly exhaling and inhaling,
the over whelming smell of fresh blood all around
me.
With every step forward, I could hear the
sticks and debris beneath my feet crunch and
crackle. I could feel the breeze on my face trying
to phase out the overwhelming stench.
With my arms crossed tightly over my brown
jacket I made my way through the Aquarians
drowning in blood all around me, stepping over
arms and legs, still bodies that once were, but
will never again, be with me. Their warmth had
gone, their souls had passed on, and I could feel
the wind carry away all signs of life from them.
The meaning of my life was jaded and I
was taken aback while gazing into the blinding
sunlight. My body ached although my body
does not feel pain, my head pounded. My knees
knocked together with every step closer to my
home. A broken wooden house, debris scattered
across the residence. A tear rolled down my
cheek staring at the home of my fathers. The
home he built with his own hands.
I glanced down at the remains of the home
scattered about seeing the leg of a man buried
beneath the rubble. As I got closer, I could make
out the brown shoe that my father had worn. My
heart pounded compressing the thoughts that my
father may be the man beneath the rubble. I was
frozen afraid to find out when I heard a silent cry
from the pile of debris.
“Ava . . .” the cry became louder.
“Father . . .” I cried, running towards the pile
crashing down onto the ground grabbing at the
pieces of glass and wood throwing them behind
me, uncovering my father who lay beneath the
rubble bloody and bruised.
“Father . . .” I uncovered his body, slipping my
arm beneath him, around his back and shoulder.
I held him up hearing the sound of his heart
beginning to slow ever so quickly.
“Ava . . .” he lifted his large hand covered in
fresh blood stained of black oil. He placed his
hand to my cheek staring up at me; I could see
the pain in his eyes.
“You mustn’t be here . . . you must go
immediately before I . . .” he struggled to
continue letting out a deep dry cough.
“I won’t leave you.” I cried wrapping my arms
around him tightly soaking my clothes in his
blood.
“Have you forgotten the stars . . . have
you forgotten?” he breathed trying to help me
remember.
“Let them fall and crush me.” I roared. “Let
them take me as they have taken all of you.”
I shouted to the sky above staring at the two
moons in the distance. “Let night come and
take me with you. I will not live as one. I won’t
remain.”
“You mustn’t be angry my daughter. You must
go to the underworld until life above has settled.”
“I won’t.” I growled. “I refuse to leave you.”
His heart faded as he took his last breath. I
screamed feeling his body go limp.
“Father!” I screamed, “no! Father!” I cried,
rocking his body slowly. The sky became angry,
the sun fell, and darkness crept over the land
quickly. I rose from my father’s body staring
up at the stars forming in the sky above. Tears
streaming down my face I glared.
“You said you’d always be here!” I held my
hands in tight fists, “You promised!”
The sky roared and the stars shook in the
sky, “go ahead!” I shouted loudly.
The stars shook in anger; I could feel my
knees knocking together in fear.
“Go on and take me.”
A star fell from the sky and shot down onto
the ground in an explosion. The earth cracked
forming a wall of fire and debris flying at me. The
pressure of the explosion shot me up into the air
covering me in dirt, feeling boulders strike me.
The earth was angry with me, the stars were in
pain watching as my body was tossed in the air
smacking into bricks and boulders cutting up
my skin. Fire blaring around me, I could feel the
heat.
I landed on the dirt two thousand feet from
my home smack down on the ground. I struggled
to get to my feet. I stood up snakingly, my face
and body covered in dirt and mud, my clothes
torn up and covered in my father’s blood. I glared
up at the stars furious.
“Is that all you’ve got!” I shouted.
I opened my arms to the stars, provoking
them to kill me.
“You will not be harmed.” A kind
understanding voice spoke from the sky above
me. I shook my head believing I was already
dead and I was in heaven until I looked around
me realising heaven had not been where I was.
“Your father spared your life.”
“I wish to die.” I pleaded.
“Death . . .” the voice paused in sadness.
“Death will not be granted.”
I picked up a boulder throwing it against a
building. “I said kill me!” I shouted loudly in rage.
“Do it.”
There was no answer.
“Do it?” I screamed, “Now”
The wind gently blew through my thick black
curls and I knew the stars had refused to take
me. They had spared my life as my father had,
they were angry with me though understanding
to my rage. They would not let my anger towards
them cause them to make an irrational decision
that my father would disagree upon.
My father was a lord of great respect to
our people and the universe; they would never
disrespect his honour. I should have been
grateful, but I was angry at the world, I was
angry with my father, but most of all I was angry
with myself. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could
have stopped the war; I wish I could have done
something to prevent the bloodshed.
Nothing could have prevented, such a
traumatic outcome, there was nothing, anyone
could have done, my father tried to stop Renown
from bringing war to our people, but he refused
to reason. He refused to come to a truce;
instead, he wanted an end to our kind, to his own
kind then to have us continue with life.
Renown was an Oiler, a mystical being
far greater than an Aquarian. Oilers were
killers amongst the world. They were oil to
water and were the beings who posed a great
threat to us. Renown did not reason, he had
no understanding for our people. He had
no remorse or mercy; he wanted death and
welcomed it openly.
I sometimes wondered if there would come
more of them to destroy a new world, but I had
not to worry. Years passed by and still no life
above me on land. I was doomed to walk the
world in silence and it frightened me, I spent
most days keeping busy underwater building
onto my underwater world my father and I had
built together.
I missed my father very much, his strength,
his heart, the way he laughed, his respect and
understanding for life. He was a man I looked up
to greatly and only hoped that there would come
a time when I could be see him again.
As you all know my new book Aquarian is getting closer and closer to being ready for you to get your hands on one and I am very excited about this. I want you all to enjoy the beautiful story of Ava Jewel that I have created. It is a whole new world and it is filled with magic, spirituality and wonder. If you are a fan of fantasy and poetry then this is the book for you. Ava Jewel is a very poetic creature filled with mystery and magic.
I just got finished approving the Galley and the Cover and it looks incredible. I can’t believe how beautiful it is looking, I am so happy to be able to publish this book and I am so inspired I have even started writing a new book to publish next. You will not be waiting years for my fallowing book I promise.
Here is a preview of my cover so you can get an idea for it.
Aquarian will be available through the authorhouse website, black bond books, Amazon, barnes and nobles and I will be marketing for it to even be in libraries and book stores near me. I have already spoke to a book store who is interested in my book and I look forward to bringing them a signed copy.
I will post more information on how to get a copy of one of my books soon. It will also be available in E-Book form for those who do not want to own the soft cover.
Yesterday I began the process of my publishing. My book Aquarian will be out in three months which means, by my birthday. Happy birthday me
I can’t even begin to describe how excited and happy I am to publish this book, it has been the one I treasure the most and I am most proud of it. I have never written something so deep and meaningful and magical in my life. I hope to continue on this journey and produce many books like this in the future. I hope you all enjoy the story as much as I did writing it and do reading it. I love it so much.
I will keep you updated on the progress and let you know the final day when it will be ready for you to get. It will only be available online at first, but I am sure if you go into a bookstore you can request a copy once it is out. ;)
Tell your friends and family to check it out and look for it in three months. It is a great story. I will be writing a sequel to it which tells the story of Ava Jewel’s mother and father, leading up to Ava’s birth and beginning.
After this book I will be pondering of writing a last. I can’t speak on what it will be because it will give away My book I am publishing now. I don’t want to spoil anything for you.
Thank you all for following my work this far, it has been a long hard journey and I hope that you continue to fallow beside me through the many more we will take together, through my writing.
It takes you by surprise. The moment you think you have it together is the moment it falls apart, but sometimes it is that moment that is the most important. It changes us and pulls us together and gives us strength. It awakens us to the importance around us. My life is much like that. My life is an egg. One crack and it’s undone and it can’t seal back together. Instead I break out, crack by crack until I’m whole again.
I’ve had to grow up fast. I raised my sister’s children while they dealt with life’s struggles. I was in high school. I had many struggles of my own. I had trouble in school, I have a learning delay I have struggled with my whole life. I never got help for it, I was seen as the student who didn’t care and maybe I didn’t. After being ignored and pushed away and having so much struggle, that you begin to not care so much, but deep down I always did. Of course I hid that.
So I helped take care of my niece and nephew. I struggled in school, I dealt with sexual harassment from my teacher and councilor and at home I dealt with my brother who picked on me, m two sisters trying to kill each other and my parents separating. Every day had a new test to teach me and every night had a new reason for me to give up, but I am a fighter. When I’d fall, I’d find a reason and keep going. life shapes us. It molds us into who we are.
My life went by quickly, I got married young and had a family. I dealt with the crazy in laws you only hear about or watch on tv. I dealt with the memories of my past that used to haunt me. I dealt with the judgements that followed me for doing the one thing I enjoy and feel good about. Life is a constant struggle.
I’ve dealt with a possessive, abusive ex whose only motive was to get back at me for all the wrong in his life. I’ve been, used, abused and abandoned, but I’ve also been loved, wanted and adored by the few closest people in my life. Including my five children who are my love, my world.
I dont believe I was a good mother when I was married. I was young and naive and I wasn’t a very good wife. I was sad and I kind of lost myself. I was blind to the thoughts and ideas that my children had disabilities and I struggled.
They are now in the good care of my ex and his family who hated me, but I rest easy knowing I made the right choice in it. Knowing they are getting the very best care and support. My ex has a huge support system and I am so thankful for that and my children are happy and I am happy because of that, but I am also sad because I couldn’t be strong enough for them.
I have two beautiful boys in my care and no girlfriends to talk to, no man to come home to, but I have love and hope and strength. I have dreams and God in every moment.
Life is a struggle, it is an uphill climb and there will be sunshine. Every day you struggle, make a ray of light shine. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, don’t be afraid to reach out. Don’t lose sight of possibility and dont hide behind tears of struggle that are truly your strength.
I’m an easy target, I wear my heart on my sleeve. i care, I reach out, I give without having.
I’m an easy target, I am young and have five children.
People judge my situation, my personality, my mind, my experiences, my past and my struggles.
My strength is hidden behind my constant struggle to be OKAY.
I know you are like me in a lot of ways.
I know you can relate to me.
Together we can be a strength instead of a struggle. It is together, we can see all shades to someone, you are blind to.
Life really is short and we really do take for granted the strengths in others.
Life is a foundation.
It needs support and love and passion. It needs to be understood and wanted. It needs to grow.
We can do that just by welcoming and opening ourselves to a new light you only saw darkness in. people are shades until they are colors.
Let us not judge.
Let us not cast out our differences.
Let us accept and welcome.
but most of all, Let us nurture one another
for the ones that are not
for you and for me
We struggle together but we also strengthen and grow together
As you all know from my blog, I am going to be publishing my best manuscript in July, which will be available in Sept 2013 and I am right now reviewing it and then will be asking my few closest to review it as well and let me know how it is, but I wanted to ask some advice of you, as readers who have read many books I am sure. My manuscript has two main characters from the beginning and they each tell the story at different angles. Not the same story per say, Ava tells her life and her experiences and Natin tells how he met Ava.
So in the beginning Natin begins by telling the story of how he met Ava and how their relationship formed and he stops telling it at a certain part when he witnesses the threat she will hold to the vampire race if they ever find out. Then Ava begins telling her story of how she came about to be the last of her kind and it leads up to when she meets Natin.
Now my question, my advice I ask you is. As a reader would you like to hear from Ava’s point of view as well, when she first meets Natin up to when Natin witnesses the threat of his kind? Or would you rather not know and just jump from the lead up to when she meets him, to the witnessing part and continue from there. I hope I explained that well enough for you to understand. I know many books don’t do that, well they do but its usually in another book, but this would offer it in the same book and you would see the whole rounded story from all angles and all sides, so you can really see what each character had to go through and what they thought of the other etc.
Now I ask for your honest opinions though, Should I take out that part or should I leave it. Is it something that interests you?
A curiosity on life in a blossoming flower, the spring has come. I taste it’s kiss.
The breeze on my face I feel Gods beauty, I feel hope and faith and joy. I feel Gods grace.
There is a song of birds that play around me. They sing a prayer to the falling sun, each song a new prayer, each prayer and new day.
My heart in symphony I hear it’s words. I see all meaning in each glance. The water in waves in the far off distance it kisses the shore, the rocks, the earth in each wave forward and each wave back. There is music in the world to ears that listen it is why homeless hold signs of God, why they say prayers, why they give with nothing in arms.
They hear God.
Can you hear his voice, feel his love in each breath you take?
Take one moment with me, for one moment escape.
From work, from kids, from noise and stand outside at night fall on a quiet street and close your eyes. Her your breath, feel the breeze on your skin, or the rain. Now take a deep breath in and hold it.
What do you feel?
Focus on that breath you captured, that moment your holding, the piece of God inside of you. It fills you, it calms and protects you. it gives you meaning and knowledge, it feeds you youth and it gives you strength.
When you have forgotten this, remember to breathe
capture a moment
God is inside and all around you
You can feel it, if you just listen and look beyond what is before you, beyond what you are
Do you ever feel like no ones really listening to you, that you are on your own and people merely interact with you because they feel they have to, instead of wanting to because they actually care for you or because they enjoy your company?
I feel like that all the time, even by my family I feel that way. I have always been seen as different, it was even something I classified myself as growing up. I never fitted in with anyone, I was always different from the others and so many said so. I had friends growing up here and there and had popular moments, but I was always considered unique or different to everyone. I guess I am. I am a mix of things instead of just being one specific thing, if that makes any sense at all. I have a very rounded personality that has a bit of everything. Sometimes I think it’s a curse because I have always felt alone in life. No one I can relate to and who can relate to me.
Lately I’ve been feeling more so this way, I am almost thirty and I have accomplished having children. That is about it and I don’t have what I always wanted since a young girl, which is to be happily married and a family with a man who loves me and I him. I know that takes it’s own time and I must be patient and let love find me instead of searching no matter how desperately I want it, it will only end in disaster if I search, I have proven that.
I just wish I had a friend, or someone, anyone I can just talk with and who really gets me and enjoys my company. My mother has been my best friend for years, but lately, well for awhile now she’s seemed different, like she’s not listening to me. I will talk to her and she will not respond to what I’m talking about at all, or change the subject as though what I have to say isn’t important, which is how I’ve always been treated so I should be used to it. I feel like I have never made her proud in life. I do long for that still, I have tried so hard to succeed at something, anything, but I never get there. I always fall short, but that doesn’t stop me from keep trying.
Today I sat around just thinking, do you ever have those days where you just do a soul searching day, where your just constantly in a dream, thinking to yourself about your life and what you really want and what you really feel and what really matters to you?
I want to be in love with someone who loves me the same if not more, I want to be successful at my writing. I want my mother to be proud of me and I want a friend who enjoys my company. I also would like to finally be heard by others, to know that my voice matters and that what I have to say is just as important.
I have never asked for much, not even in a relationships, maybe that’s my problem, who knows.
I just feel.. alone.
So today as I mentioned, I thought and I thought and then I took a long look at my children who are my most important, my loves, my world and it made me smile because they are the best thing in my life. Without them I don’t know how I would be able to get up every morning and keep going. They give me reason to smile, and to laugh and to enjoy life. They give me hope that it will get better and they give me strength for today and the days that fallow. Out of everything in my life, they were the one thing I got right. I wouldn’t change having them for the world.
Yes life has been hard growing up for me, I have had a bad childhood, and I know many will say that, but I have been through things a young child shouldn’t of had to and I wouldn’t wish my life and my experiences on anyone. I had it rough, but even though I did I still tell my self, some have it worse and I know some do. Anything worse then my life is pretty awful and my heart goes out to everyone like me and unlike me. I just want to be love in life. Who doesn’t. That is the one thing I’ve wanted through life and I can’t seem to get it, it’s always half loved, or tolerated. So many have told me they just tolerate me like I’m hard to love, or live with and then perfect strangers tell me I have so much empathy for others and compassion and I know I do. I cry when I see someone hurt, i feel others pain, I try so hard to cheer someone sad up, I can’t stand crowds because I am sensitive to everyones energy and emotions. So I just don’t understand others view on me. People I have talked with about it say it’s jealousy, but I think to myself… jealousy of what exactly, my life isn’t even close to perfect and either am I.
I try to be a better person then I was yesterday each day that goes by. I’m never going to be perfect, or a saint, I’m just like you.
I will never understand what separates me. Still to this day i don’t get it.
Jesus once told me, when I was going through a bad time as a teenage, I was being teased and picked on. A large classroom mocked me and made fun of me saying I was the messenger of God and that I was a witch because I could predict things, long story.. but I had a hard time and I used to see Jesus. He would visit me and I know many wont believe me, but each to their own. I asked him, why they make fun of me, and why people seem to hate me so much and he said in the kind understanding way that he does… “Mandie… dear, people will hold hate for what they do not understand.”
But what is there to understand about me?
I guess talking with spirits would be one of them, but I have met many others who can as well, they I do connect with and relate to.
Maybe that’s what people don’t like about me, maybe my spirituality shines through me and people just know I’m weird and don’t understand it. Maybe thats what this whole thing is about. Not jealousy or hatred or anything I’ve thought it was. But simply they are afraid of what they see, or feel, or think of me. Something they get when they look at me. I used to tell people, you will either love me, or you will hate me and I never fully understood why I said it until now. Maybe that is the reason. Who knows.
All I know is, it’s been a very lonely life, without Jesus growing up, I don’t think I would have been able to get through the bulling in school and in life.
Maybe one day people wont be so afraid of different and accept me, or maybe it’s just how it will always be and I will find one person who will and that’s all I ask for. Just one.
I have observed over time the lack of interest in my videos, people miss the dancing, the showy skin stuff I don’t do anymore and really isn’t who I am anymore as you can probably notice since many have contacted me saying how much they wish I was still that girl. I have decided to take down my youtube videos and private them considering no one really watches them and if they do, they don’t enjoy them or are just patiently waiting for me to start being THAT GIRL again and I can’t be who I was, if I ain’t like that anymore. It’s all good though, I made videos because I thought people would enjoy them and I have always been an entertainer and loved making people smile and laugh and have fun, but I don’t do that anymore with my videos, so their purpose has been fulfilled and now I can move on to bigger and better things and just do what I love and enjoy since no one really has interest in that other stuff anymore, which is totally okay.
I am and will always be a writer at heart, it is something I am a natural at and enjoy doing and I don’t do it just to entertain others, it is self fulfillment and I am so excited about publishing my next book, I mean there are no words to describe just how fulfilling it is to publish one of my manuscripts I have worked so hard on. This is my best to and I always was hesitant to publish out of the order that I wrote them in, but I read up on writers and it actually advises you to publish your very best first, so that readers can connect with your best work and you are known for that, other then the not so great ones like my last two :p They were alright, but this one I am publishing is my fire in the night to me. I love it that much.
I have corrected and went through almost half of the manuscript now, I have another half to go and then the hard part comes, “writing a bio of myself” I find that really challenging for some reason, it just feels like work. Ha!
