Back To School

Tags

Child, Child care, Day care, Early Childhood, Early childhood education, Education, Family, High school

So I have decided to take an ECE course which is translated into Early Childhood Education so I can work in a day care which is originally what I was suppose to do after high school. It’s what I was planning on doing and even had a job lined up but my life took a different course and I became a wife and mother instead which was okay, but now that I have had all my children and am a single mom I am now ready to face the world again and begin my life and do what I was originally suppose to do while I do my art on the side, which is where my passion lies. I will always be an artist. I will never quit, it is who I am. I love it.

I am looking into the school course and there is a process before I can start it, but I will keep updated on it. I have a few meetings to attend first.

I have purchased a few things for school already.

How exciting, never thought I’d say that about school, but I’m just excited to get out there and make money and meet cool people who like doing what I do.

 

 

 

Feeling Down

Tags

Arts, Child, Dream, Pretty Little Liars, Psychology, Romance, Social Sciences, Soulmate

I have taken a long look at my life and the dreams I’ve had and have and all that I have accomplished and all that I wanted at this point in my life. I was a dreamer when I was a young girl. I wanted to marry my soul mate and have a family and fallow my dream in the arts. I did get married, but to the wrong man and I did have children which was one of the best things of my life so far. I have published books, but nothing came of them, I have created artistic creations, but nothing came of them. All I have to show is my children through my whole life. I have accomplished nothing else and that really gets me down.

I am without my soul mate and worry I may be alone because I can’t seem to make any relationship work because the other never feels the same or wants the same things as me and its so frustrating to me, but mostly it’s just sad.

I feel like I can’t accomplish nothing in the ways I want to, which is through art, no matter how hard I try to how much love and energy and work and time I put into everything I create it goes unnoticed, or hardly noticed. I feel bummed out. I really thought that if I concentrating on what I really wanted as far as art goes, it would happen, but it never does. My legs just keep spinning but I’m not going anywhere. I feel down.

I am heartbroken from having my heart smashed by the one man who I actually fell deeply in love with and wanted to be with and I am sad that my life is simply just having children and my future is working at a low-end job flipping burgers or being a maid somewhere and wishing I had been able to do what I really wanted to. I feel like I’ll never be able to have my happily ever after and it’s hard to just see my life as something so great right now after losing someone I was really in love with because I simply just wasn’t enough. It’s hard to face the music that my art will simply go un noticed. I know many don’t wanna read about this. You want to be entertained, not listen to my feelings, but this is my blog and I wear my heart in my writing and this is how I express myself and it feels good to write it out. Yea I could write into a book and hide it under my pillow, but it’s nice to have someone listening and maybe someone will say something back that will help me feel better. Maybe not, but it just feels good to get it out.

I write from my heart, and I’m not afraid to share my experiences and what I’m going through or what kind of person I am. I have hopes and dreams, and I get sad and mad and happy. I’m similar to all of you only I write about it, because that’s what writers do. Consider this my non-fiction story. Only it’s a blog.

I feel lonely and I feel lost as far as what I’m suppose to do with my life since I can’t have my dream. I’m not good at anything else. Sigh. Some people have many talents and abilities, I have bad math skills, english skills, and no other talents but art. Most don’t even like my art, it’s rare. Even the people I know and love don’t seem to. Even the man I am in love with who I’m not enough for hated my art. Didn’t even want to mention what I do to anyone he knew because they made fun of me, I’m used to that though. Being hidden and having people make fun of me. I’ve gotten that since elementary school. Some people just don’t walk in that light.

I feel really down about my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I have all my children and I love that I have grown so much and become independent, and that I am living on my own and supporting myself… I love that I got to experience the kind of love for someone who I always dreamed about and I love that I got away from the negative people in my life that brought me heartache and pain. I have come a long way from where I started, I just really want my dream and the reality that I most likely wont get it is painful to accept, but it is what it is.

I have to just accept what is and be happy with what I have and take one day at a time. Hell I know that, but in this moment, it’s hard. In this moment it hurts, and in this moment I feel heartache and lost as far as dreams go.

Maybe it’s time to give up my art?

I know that would make many happy.

Motherhood

Tags

Child, Family, God, Holy Spirit, Home, mother, mothers day, Parent

I have been a mother since I was 19 years old which seems like ages ago to me. I grew up with the same knowledge that, “When you’re a mother, you can’t have time for you.” “All your time is for your child and you have to sacrifice everything.” “You have to keep your eyes on that child every second and that is your job and that is all you can do.” “You have to give up your happiness and dreams.”

These messages and statements never fit well for me, it is similar to the messages sent out that, “You can’t put yourself first, if you do you are selfish.”

I once spoke to someone a long time ago and he said to me, “Just as a fire fighter, you put your mask on so you can save others.”

I am here to tell you and remind you that when you are a mother, you do not have to sacrifice everything. You do not have to give up all time and you do not have to lose all happiness because you have a child. You are a mother and to be a mother, there is something every mother should know and take with them and understand. You have to have time for you and you have to take care of you or you will lose the ability and know how of how to take care of others.

I didn’t live this way through my marriage, I did sacrifice and I did spent every second taking care of my husband and my child and I forgot how to take care of me. I forgot over the years and I looked to others to make me happy and depended on them to help me because I forgot how to take care of me. I was following the message that is given to us growing up. I did this gradually, I lost sight of myself and I made mistakes because I didn’t have any fuel for my soul because I was giving it all away and I was taking care of everyone but me and I lost how to care for me. I lost how to be happy with me and I slowly lost how to take care of others.

My marriage fell a part and I am not saying it is me because it breaks on two ends, but this is my part. I lost myself and I sacrificed and didn’t take care of me. I wasn’t happy with my life and I wasn’t happy with who I was or what I had. I had lost sight of everything because I had no fuel. I had given it all away.

When my marriage ended in April 2010 I began to find myself and I began to take time for me and care for me because I had no one. No one was there to depend on, I was alone and I felt alone and I was scared. I wasn’t lost and sad anymore, I was terrified and I was alert and awake and it was a difficult time for me. It was difficult to go from giving and losing myself and sacrificing everything including myself, to not having anyone to lean on and being along with the situation that was now a fire burning me. I changed homes, I left my husband, I left behind my children, I got pushed down and insulted by my neighbors and in-laws while pregnant with my son Niki and I dealt with the unstable emotional ups and downs of my boyfriend Michael.

I began to discover over time that I needed to take care of me, because no one else was going to. I needed to be happy and I needed to do what was best for me so I could get into a good balanced place emotionally and physically and mentally. I have gone through many changes since April 2010 and for the better to. I have undergone, divorce, custody, change in lifestyle, low self of esteem, breakups, miscarriage, abuse, break ups, getting help to support myself and my child, court, more break ups, hospital visits, being sick, being anemic, living alone, going grocery shopping by myself, paying bills, doing everything for myself. Every day I do something and learn something knew.

I have gone through so many changes and grown up so much and it was then when I learned how to take care of me again.

I am more balanced now and I am more happy and I am able to have the fuel I need so that I can be a good mom for my children. Better than I was. All because I stopped sacrificing and I started taking care of me and remembering that it’s important to do things for me and take care of me and find out my dreams so that I can be there for others.

The message is clear. “Take care of you”

Motherhood is not about sacrifice, it’s about a balance and finding a balance so that you can be a good mom for your children and teach your children that it is essential and important to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. To live a balanced life.

Every day it’s a struggle, the world is changing and there are so many obstacles that come our way, but we must learn to stop… breathe and take a moment to remember what we need to be able to go forward.

I love my life and I love my children and I love how far I have come and I am thankful of where I am now. I get lonely, but I am balanced and able to rise from it and take care of myself and reassure myself and do something good for me that makes me feel good. SOmething I need, so that I can live a balanced life.

The world is changing and it’s time we understand that the messages we give to our children will have an impact and many of these messages have caused unpleasantness and caused destruction and I think going into the future there will be better messages given for our future generations. In fact I have seen and heard new messages that I agree with coming into play and being spoken and people are speaking out what would be covered up years ago.

We are learning we have a voice and we can learn to communicate and solve problems and help each other through understanding which comes from communication and finding a balance among us. This is the future.

Tell me? How many of you have sacraficed who you are?

How many of you have forgotten how to take care of yourself?

How many of you are not happy with your life or who you are?

When did you learn to take care of you? And how is your life now that you do?

Shopping & Baby update

Tags

Child, Easter, Easter Bunny, Easter egg, Egg hunt, Holiday, Santa Claus, Traditions

I decided to treat myself since there are incredable sales on right now and got an outfit with jewellery from my favorite store called Ardene. I’m not sure I spelled that correctly, but whatever.

In case you don’t know what I bought, Sharf, necklace, earings, shirt, two pairs of pants and shoes. Socks.

Since it’s easter this weekend and I’m having my kids over, I bought stuff for their little baskets as well.

My shoes are so adorable they have a little bow on them.

Cute little baskets for my little ones hehe. Easter bunny came early. I got a egg decorating kit as well. Now all I need to buy is a ham for dinner.

While I was shopping I went out for lunch with Niki which was nice and then Niki fell asleep for the rest of the shopping time and everyone was “awwwwing” So cute.

So today I had my doctors appointment and I wasn’t able to hear the heartbeat yet unfortunantly. The doctor says that it usually isn’t heard until at least 10 or 11 weeks and I’m only in my 9th week still. He scheduled me to get some blood test done but not till the middle of April and he also made an ultrasound appointment to make sure I’m right about the date of the pregnancy since my periods were irregular. Meh, oh well… it’s always nice to get one done and find out everything is okay.

Niki got his 12 month immunization needles today so he’s been quite grumpy for the rest of the day. Poor little guy was so upset, I almost cried to while he got his needles. He had to get four. One in each arm and leg and he screamed and tears streamed down his face. Was so sad. I gave him hugs and kisses through it. My little boy. I love him so much.

I’m not sure when I have to go back to the doctors because I couldn’t make an appointment there because Doctor wong is going away for a few days at the end of the month and the receptionist needed to talk to him and find out when to book it for, so she’s going to call me back. Also the ultrasound place will call next week some time to let me know my appointment as well and there’s an update on everything. Oh my weight was 124 lb. I was 118 before I found out I was pregnant, I guess I gained a few pounds lol

NOOOO! I’m a cow. MOOOOO! rofl

I have a potty Problem

Tags

Bathroom, Chamber pot, Child, Dog, Shopping, SOAP, Toilet, Toilet training

No I’m not planning on blogging about how regular I am. “Don’t worry” ha!

I have had problems with my toilet for days and the only way it can flush is if I pour some dish soap down into it with the flush? Weird but it is the only way it works. The Plummer was suppose to come as the Landlord said but they forgot about me and he was here yesterday but not for mine. “WHAT!” FIX ME POTTY DAMN IT!

I hate using all my dish soap to flush. It’s annoying. I don’t even understand why it works, but at least it does.

So now I have to wait until next week for them to come. Oye vay!

At least I have a clean toilet. I guess that’s always good, right? “it would help if it was a working toilet though.

I sure hope they don’t forget about me again, that would suck ass.

FIX MY POTTY!

Bullying Bleeds

Tags

Bullying, Child, Children and Young People, Ellen, Violence and Abuse, Work, Workplace Discrimination, Youth

Recently I have watched a few videos of people talking about bullying and I just wanted to write something about it and speak my mind on the subject. It is very important for everyone to speak up and reach out to those crouched in a corner or under their beds, praying for a hand to stop it.

I was watching Ellen today as I always do and she had a message about bullying about a kid who ended his life because he was bullied and I didn’t even realize tears were on my cheeks until the show was over. It was so sad to hear about something that could have been prevented.

I know what it’s like to be bullied, I was bullied a lot in school and it hurts. I defended myself and put on a strong face, but when I came home I’d cry in my room. It’s hard to talk to anyone about it because you feel like it wont do any good, or it will make matters worse. I understand the reasons behind victims who don’t tell anyone their being bullied, because it’s scary to think that it could get any worse than it is. Sometimes saying, “just stand up for yourself” isn’t enough, because sometimes there are groups that bully and sometimes there isn’t a chance to defend yourself.

There needs to be more stand by’s who step in and reach a hand out and raise a voice for the victims of bullies. I have been bullied, teased, pushed around. I’ve been hated on constantly online and it hurts. It hurts a lot, but I got through it, but it took a long time. Bullies and haters will claim it was their treatment that made me stronger etc, but that’s not true. It was my strength and my family and friends who held my hand and reassured me I’m not alone and they are there for me.

All it takes is one voice to speak out. More need to step in and stop bullying from happening. It’s heartbreaking to think that the reason of young death is rising and the cause is other children? Come ON!

Don’t Bully! simple as that

Your not perfect

Your not better than anyone

Think about it

Popularity isn’t worth someones blood on your hands

it isn’t worth the pain that you’ll feel when you grow up and come to realize you caused someone to end their life

Do not be the cause

Be the voice that stops it

and the hand that leads the victims to safety

 

A message to those being bullied or who have been “Tell someone, even if your afraid to because as scary as it is to tell someone. It will help.. and there are people out their who will stand by you and end it.

You do not have to be afraid

You were not born to crouch in a corner and cry

You were born to fly and sing

You were born to live

No matter how different you appear to the outsiders

You have just as much right to be here as anyone else

Don’t let anyone break your spirit or heart.

PLEASE STOP BULLYING

 

 

Feel So Alone

Tags

Child, Family, Hardship Relief, Home, People, Relationships, Requesting Help, Single-parent

This is not the first time I’ve said this, I know. Believe me, it’s not even the first time I’ve felt it.

I feel like I’m going to just be a single mother forever because every time I fall for a guy, it’s never as it seems.

There are moments when I think… “maybe it will work if… maybe they care enough now and oh… well maybe if I act this way they will…”

It’s no use though, because I know in my heart of hearts that someone either cares or they don’t.

They either love you, or they love you in a whole different way then you love them. Or even love you in a way that is so not the way they say they have loved you.

I think people can become blind when they are in the moment and the one on the receiving end is so clearly experiencing everything on such a deep level that it becomes so overwhelming to bear.

That is how I feel.

I feel like I am looking at my experiences under a microscope unintentionally of course and I see things so clearly and things have become so vivid to me, it’s tainted what little I have left because I know the truth of it all.

The truth is hard to bare.

I feel so alone. I don’t think anyone I know understands me there. At least it doesn’t seem as such.

I feel like I have another beautiful child on the way and once again no one to share it with. No one to rub my ankles when they get sore. No one to hold my hair when I’m sick. Comfort me when I’m emotional and feeling down. Reasure me when I feel uneasy about things I am going through. I have no one to look into my eyes and tell me they would never want to hurt me and actually mean it. Or think of me in ways that let me know they care. When I have house chores, offer to help or lighten the load a bit, by helping me get to the laundry mat. I have no one to share meals with, or laugh with to a favourite show. No one to go on date nights with and go for long walks and shop until our feet hurt. Stay up talking until we fall asleep.

I am just me with my children, which is a wonderful thing, but it’s not the same.

I was a child and I dreamed a dream of a beautiful family of my own, one far off from the house I grew up in. A family with a man who loved me so deeply and who I loved him which I don’t even need to mention here because I fall easily and always seem to fall too hard for men who don’t give the same in return. Instead it’s I who isn’t giving enough always. It’s okay though, because some need more than others in relationships. I just want fifty fifty.

I know it’s going to be awhile now before I ever meet anyone because I am having my fifth child and I am on welfare… so many facets about me that would turn a guy off, yet I know that the right guy wont care about all that stuff, but I worry that he even exists.

Do I get love? Do I get my dream?

I feel so alone it hurts inside.

I don’t even have a friend. I’d even settle for a good friend.

“Tears” I guess I got to learn to let go of my dream and just be thankful for what I have, but the loneliness hurts. Especially now.

 

What Makes A Daddy?

Tags

Child, Family, father, Father figure, Home, mother, Parent, Stay at Home Fathers

I grew up in a not so pleasant home and by that I don’t mean that the walls were falling a part and in need of a good fixing. It was hard growing up in a family with a dad who believed in the old ways of discipline, he grew up in such ways so I guess I am able to understand where it seems okay in his mind to do so. He told me once while we were walking down the street that he was the reason I turned out so well and I made it clear it was me and my own doing that brought me to where I am.

He helped make me afraid of men, but I can’t blame him for fears because it is I who chose to stay afraid and walk in fear of men and live this way. This I know now.

What makes a dad is what is in his heart and how much he cares for his child. How does he show the child he loves them? Well I do know my dad loves me a side from how I was raised and what I have witnessed with child eyes of innocence. I know he loves me because he has a smile on his face when he sees me now and reasures me when I am worried and shows he cares by remembering my birthday. He stays in touch with me. I know he loves me by the way he looks at me, with pride and respect for who I have become.

I want my children to grow up with a good daddy because I lacked a strong daddy figure in mine. My three first children I know will have that which makes me happy, but my little Niki I worry of because his daddy is unpredictable and I’m never sure when he will see him or if he even wants to. I haven’t even heard from him and I never know if he will be helping out with what Niki needs. I hope Niki has a strong daddy figure in his life who will teach him strength and love and kindness and how to be a good respectful and responsible man. Though… my mommyboo raised me and she was both my mother and father and I learnt so many things from her. She is the strongest, most kindest woman I’ve known. I am blessed to be her daughter.

I was also blessed with a father figure when she married her husband. I finally got the father figure I needed. It’s not quite the same, but I still look to him like a dad.

What do you think makes a daddy?

First Date

Tags

Child, Family, Home, NPR, Parent, Tantrum, University of Connecticut, University of Minnesota

He was sweet and very good-looking. I really enjoyed my time with him though I was hella shy and hope he didn’t take it as I wasn’t into him, we hugged goodbye of course. We played at the park a bit talking and we share a lot of the same interests, he asked me many questions. I asked him a few, without trying to be too nosy. It was hard with three little ones since he has two children. His daughter was adorable asking a million questions. Throwing little tantrums ha!. His son was cute to.

He seems like a very responsible father and person and has a car and a good job and I really liked him, what else can I say. I’d like to see him again without kids around, which we both agreed on. I let him know the days I would be able to go out and it works out great because those happen to be his days off. We ended the date saying we’d do a date again without the kids and we said we both enjoyed it and we hugged and I felt something. Hmm… hehe Giggle

It was cute we both kept looking back at each other as we parted ways. “Does that mean he liked me?”

He learned that I am a very slow eater, ha! That is something everyone learns about me right away. He was so polite when he had his cell out he let me know he was just texting his mom. Ahhh. Gosh I was so nervous I couldn’t even finish my pizza he got me. I hope he liked me. I swear he is so nice and I just wanted to keep staring into his eyes, they were so. I can’t explain it. I just felt drawn to him and I think he felt the same, but I’m not sure. how do I know and what is too soon to text him …? what do I do next. Do I wait for him to reach me or…

 

House Chores I Despise

Tags

Bewitched, Child, Cleaning, Cleanliness, Comedy, Home, Housekeeping, Television

Well… all of them. I only enjoy cleaning when I’m stressed because it de-stresses me, but so does a hot bubble bath. Ha!

I really hate doing dishes though, it’s so annoyingly bad, I don’t even like looking at dirty dishes. Ug. If only I was Samantha from Bewitched, I’d only have to wiggle my nose and poof the mess would be clean. 

Why aren’t I enriched with bewitched? Hahahaha!

My house just wont get clean, It’s been weeks since I began cleaning it little by little and it still looks the same, but with balloons everywhere? What’s up with that.

I did have a party though, not a bad party with drunk teenagers throwing up believing their some how cool because of it. I mean Gawd, if your going to drink do it right. Get yourself a Sam, Drinking buddy and only drink one bottle of your favorite drink and don’t get drunk. A buzz is better, trust me.

Okay… now where was I? ahh yes, house chores Sucka Da Balls!

Tell me my sweet Pumpkin Frogs

Which house chore do you despise?

 

An Interview

Tags

Child, Family, God, Home, mother, Parenting, Single Mothers, Single-parent

SO little old me got herself an interview on single mothers on Tuesday. Yea.. I realize it isn’t a big deal, it’s just some interview I was randomly selected for in the moment but what if it leads to something. What if I walk into the room and there are cameras and I end up on tv. I know I should be used to that since it’s a familiar place to be “you all know I’m famous right?”

I’d say get all dolled up and walk in with a big fake smile and lie, but nope that’s not what it’s all about, I am going to walk in all mandiefied and give them the full truth about what it’s like to be a single mother on welfare having to go to the food bank to get by and depend on people and learn to ask which was something I found extremely difficult to do. Either I didn’t want to because I was ashamed, or I just didn’t feel like it or maybe it was because I thought we are at the stage in life evolving where people should just know by your situation and have the heart to just ask. I think it’s the latter.

I have four children, four beautiful loving children with big hearts, they are so sweet and unique little beings and I am so thankful for them. I am truly blessed to have four children, I know many do not have the option or ability to create life, I am sorry to them for that. That is truly unfortunate, it is quite upsetting as well because they are the woman who were mothers already, mothers without child. Before I get off topic let me continue, stop side tracking me “BLOG”

as I was saying… Being a single mom has it’s hard days and its wonderful days when you realize life isn’t so hard and there are moments when you are in a moment of bliss and happiness even you don’t understand because you know that you have everything you want and need even though you lose sight of it. You see life is hard when we are seeing things in a certain way, it is all about perspective, sure it doesn’t always seem that way for certain situations many can argue with me about, that I am sure. “Self-opinionated.” (I’m one myself) Now Now don’t mistake opinion with judgemental either, because they are one not of the same. I struggle sometimes managing to get to and from places pushing a large ass double stroller piling groceries underneath in the basket, it gets tough especially with the crying and fuss, my kids put up sometimes while I’m out running errands. It’s hard, I’ll give you that and it’s lonely at night when the house is quiet and there is no sound but the sounds of the fridge and fan blowing through my apartment. The kids are sleeping and there I am alone in a room with my thoughts and feelings and I have to think of activities to distract me from the feelings sometimes, but then there are those nights when I feel so great and blessed and thankful when I don’t have that lonely feeling. In fact I feel I am not alone, I feel as though everyone I love is right there with me and the truth is they are, in my heart. You see it’s all about perspective.

I’m not in school or working because I have two young children and it would be incredibly expensive and hard to work and take care of my little ones, plus I would not want them being raised by a day care center by people they don’t know. I imagine that is very hard on children despite how strong and together we think or believe they are, any child could be and will be hurt by this and I know damn well they will remember the sight of mommy or daddy dropping them off every day only to be left there each and every day for long hours. I can imagine the lonely, neglected feeling that runs through them. Though I understand the parents perception as well.

Being a single parent is tough but so is anything else, I wish I was living with my boyfriend in a nice place and not have to worry about money anymore even though I hate money and what it does to people and the power and control it possesses. I want to feel taken care of and in many ways I already do because I know damn well God has taken good care of me since I stepped out of an unhappy situation and into the darkness which is now my light.

So my take on single mothers… “It’s hard, but it also teaches us in many ways things we didn’t know having a partner. Suddenly we understand single mothers who we used to look at a certain way when we had someone. Perception is everything, once you understand that and can master it, your life will be better and you will find light in your darkness and make the best of your situation no matter how hard it seems. TO me, this is a piece of cake compared to what I came through.