Invisible

Tags

Christ, Christian, God, HolySpirit, Jesus, Mandie, Relationships, Thought

Do you ever feel like no ones really listening to you, that you are on your own and people merely interact with you because they feel they have to, instead of wanting to because they actually care for you or because they enjoy your company?

I feel like that all the time, even by my family I feel that way. I have always been seen as different, it was even something I classified myself as growing up. I never fitted in with anyone, I was always different from the others and so many said so. I had friends growing up here and there and had popular moments, but I was always considered unique or different to everyone. I guess I am. I am a mix of things instead of just being one specific thing, if that makes any sense at all. I have a very rounded personality that has a bit of everything. Sometimes I think it’s a curse because I have always felt alone in life. No one I can relate to and who can relate to me.

Lately I’ve been feeling more so this way, I am almost thirty and I have accomplished having children. That is about it and I don’t have what I always wanted since a young girl, which is to be happily married and a family with a man who loves me and I him. I know that takes it’s own time and I must be patient and let love find me instead of searching no matter how desperately I want it, it will only end in disaster if I search, I have proven that.

I just wish I had a friend, or someone, anyone I can just talk with and who really gets me and enjoys my company. My mother has been my best friend for years, but lately, well for awhile now she’s seemed different, like she’s not listening to me. I will talk to her and she will not respond to what I’m talking about at all, or change the subject as though what I have to say isn’t important, which is how I’ve always been treated so I should be used to it. I feel like I have never made her proud in life. I do long for that still, I have tried so hard to succeed at something, anything, but I never get there. I always fall short, but that doesn’t stop me from keep trying.

Today I sat around just thinking, do you ever have those days where you just do a soul searching day, where your just constantly in a dream, thinking to yourself about your life and what you really want and what you really feel and what really matters to you?

I want to be in love with someone who loves me the same if not more, I want to be successful at my writing. I want my mother to be proud of me and I want a friend who enjoys my company. I also would like to finally be heard by others, to know that my voice matters and that what I have to say is just as important.

I have never asked for much, not even in a relationships, maybe that’s my problem, who knows.

I just feel.. alone.

So today as I mentioned, I thought and I thought and then I took a long look at my children who are my most important, my loves, my world and it made me smile because they are the best thing in my life. Without them I don’t know how I would be able to get up every morning and keep going. They give me reason to smile, and to laugh and to enjoy life. They give me hope that it will get better and they give me strength for today and the days that fallow. Out of everything in my life, they were the one thing I got right. I wouldn’t change having them for the world.

Yes life has been hard growing up for me, I have had a bad childhood, and I know many will say that, but I have been through things a young child shouldn’t of had to and I wouldn’t wish my life and my experiences on anyone. I had it rough, but even though I did I still tell my self, some have it worse and I know some do. Anything worse then my life is pretty awful and my heart goes out to everyone like me and unlike me. I just want to be love in life. Who doesn’t. That is the one thing I’ve wanted through life and I can’t seem to get it, it’s always half loved, or tolerated. So many have told me they just tolerate me like I’m hard to love, or live with and then perfect strangers tell me I have so much empathy for others and compassion and I know I do. I cry when I see someone hurt, i feel others pain, I try so hard to cheer someone sad up, I can’t stand crowds because I am sensitive to everyones energy and emotions. So I just don’t understand others view on me. People I have talked with about it say it’s jealousy, but I think to myself… jealousy of what exactly, my life isn’t even close to perfect and either am I.

I try to be a better person then I was yesterday each day that goes by. I’m never going to be perfect, or a saint, I’m just like you.

I will never understand what separates me. Still to this day i don’t get it.

Jesus once told me, when I was going through a bad time as a teenage, I was being teased and picked on. A large classroom mocked me and made fun of me saying I was the messenger of God and that I was a witch because I could predict things, long story.. but I had a hard time and I used to see Jesus. He would visit me and I know many wont believe me, but each to their own. I asked him, why they make fun of me, and why people seem to hate me so much and he said in the kind understanding way that he does… “Mandie… dear, people will hold hate for what they do not understand.”

But what is there to understand about me?

I guess talking with spirits would be one of them, but I have met many others who can as well, they I do connect with and relate to.

Maybe that’s what people don’t like about me, maybe my spirituality shines through me and people just know I’m weird and don’t understand it. Maybe thats what this whole thing is about. Not jealousy or hatred or anything I’ve thought it was. But simply they are afraid of what they see, or feel, or think of me. Something they get when they look at me. I used to tell people, you will either love me, or you will hate me and I never fully understood why I said it until now. Maybe that is the reason. Who knows.

All I know is, it’s been a very lonely life, without Jesus growing up, I don’t think I would have been able to get through the bulling in school and in life.

Maybe one day people wont be so afraid of different and accept me, or maybe it’s just how it will always be and I will find one person who will and that’s all I ask for. Just one.

 

 

Throw out a dream

Tags

Arts, Dream, God, Marriage, Online Writing, Pain, Poetry, Relationships

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve dreamed of being an artist professionally and I’ve dreamed of marrying a wonderful man, having children and living in a nice house with him forever, but none of that has happened. I married a man I had to beg to marry me, I got divorced, I became E famous for a year or two and got shit on by hundreds online and then I got into a relationship with a man I fell deeply in love with and thought was an angel sent to me from God, but turned out to be a devil who broke my heart and still causes me pain. He doesn’t even hardly talk to me or see me and I still feel pain from him. Pain of him cheating, pain of him wasting my life when he never even wanted a life with me and only wanted what most men want. I was with another guy who only wanted one thing and bought me gifts just to keep me around. I’ve had five beautiful children and hardly see three of them and three of them have disabilities and I feel bad about that. I live in a place all alone with my two youngest children and I don’t have any friends. My sister disowned me because she hates me for God knows what reason and I find I have absolutely no body to talk to but a computer screen to get some sort of virtual hug that everything will be okay.

I feel like I will never find anyone who will actually love me. I can throw a rock and hit so many guys I can be with who only want one thing, but I want a relationship, someone who will love me and care about me and take care of me. Someone who will be a great father to my children. I don’t want to be used. My ex’s write me about their lack of sex life, as though I will fill it. Makes me feel horrible, “is that all I’m good for?”

I have tried so many different forms of art I love and am passionate about and I have tried so dang hard to make it as an artist in so many areas and I have nothing to show for it but two self published books that don’t sell, a bunch of videos no one watched, poetry never read by any one more then five people and a few hanging painting on my wall that will probably never be bought by anyone. I feel like I lost. Like I should throw out my dreams of finding anyone and throw out my dream as an artist and just be some waitress, maid or cook some where making shit money at a place that will work my hands to the bones for the rest of my life and always wish I could have made it as an artist. Life never turns out how you want it, some people get lucky, I aint one of them. I’m tired of thinking positive that I will find someone and then find myself heart broken and unloved and struggling to get my art out there and feel good about something. Feel proud of something I accomplished.

I feel like a hamster, I run in a circle, but the only place I go is around and back where I started.

So.. throw out the dreams and just take one day at a time and hope something good comes out of it.

Plus even if I met a nice guy, I’m so terrified of getting hurt, I’d back out of it before it even got started. My ex broke me, completely broke me.

I’m thankful for my wonderful amazing children who I love more then anything, my parents who are always there for me and the fact that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I guess I shouldn’t complain.

I know some have less then that, I just feel really down, that my dreams are dying right before my eyes and I know it’s wrong but it makes me even more upset that the people who have hurt me have what I always wanted. Their career and a nice person by there side or their happy and successful and ain’t sad eyed like me. Lucky them. I guess hurting me, makes you rich.

I wish I would have Starved the haters and Fed the fans from the very beginning.

When you feed into the hatred around you and open the door and allow people in that hurt you and believe they will change you allow them to use you as stairs and they climb you until they are in the clouds of your dream and your in the dirt.

So throw out my dreams

Just be happy with me and my kids and stop looking up hoping for more because there aint nothing out there but what’s right here.

Happy Valentines Day

Justin Beiber Awkward moment

Tags

canada, Justin Beiber, Justin Bieber, Kiss, Kissing, Nat Wolff, Relationships, Selena Gomez

 

People are talking about the awkward moment for Justin Beiber with one of his fans. As you can see a girl is grabbing hold of him and kissing him and it looks like she’s also trying to get a picture of it. Yea.. I can imagine that would be very uncomfortable.

I know many men will say, “what the hell man, it’s a girl kissing you?” “What gives?’

Though I think you shouldn’t have to be harassed in that sort of manor no matter your work/job/career you do. You would never hear anyone in an office doing that without it being fallowed by a complaint of harassment. I think people need to understand that just because someone stars in a movie or is famous for singing, does not mean they are some fictional character they perform as in real life and you can use them and harass and put moves on them and make them uncomfortable. Everyone has boundaries and they should be respected in my opinion.

If he is okay with it, that is different, but it should be asked first. “Can I kiss you?” “Can I have a hug?” Do people not know how to be polite anymore? COME ON!

 

 

Shy

Tags

Dating, Fear, Personals, Recreation, Relationships, Shyness, Social anxiety, United States

Being shy makes it incredibly hard for me to make friends and to meet someone I can connect with enough to form a relationship with. Mind you I am in no way interested in a relationship. I have come out of a horrible one and would just like to enjoy single life and have fun and enjoy my life without a man. One thing I’ve always disliked about the relationships I’ve been in is they are controlling on the mans side. Always trying to get me to drop my creativity, or change the things I am into or like, such as decorative likes and clothing I wear. I don’t like being controlled considering I had a controlling father and every time a man tries to control me it just makes me rebel against them because they remind me of my father and because I think it’s wrong to control someone. If you love someone you should love them as you are I believe and respect their likes and them respect yours.

Okay… so there is this guy that works in my building and I run into him here and there and every time I do we engage in small talk, mostly because I have no idea how to talk to him, or any man for that matter, because I am shy and even more so around men for some reason. I really like this guy, I say hi to him and he does the same and we’ve talked a few months back and that was the longest conversation we had. He helped me move some furniture of mine when I asked, completely embarrassed because I asked in such an odd way lol.

I have no idea if he likes me though, not like it matters because I am not interested in anything right now, but still I wonder if he likes me to. Today I ran into him and he held the door open for me and noticed my big belly. The last time he saw me I don’t think he knew I was expecting because I wasn’t showing and I didn’t mention it. Ok so this time he noticed and he opened the door and said… “Oh.. well look at you.” Which was adorable and sweet the way he said it and I blushed and said, “ya” then walked through the door. Lol that was all.

He was on the phone so it isn’t like he could say much else to me, but would he have?

I have no idea if he likes me same, but hmm, I guess eventually I’ll find out, or maybe I wont. lol

It’s a mystery.

Does it sound like he likes me? or just being nice. He does seem like just a nice guy, so… hard to tell. Plus he doesn’t really engage in more conversation with me, then again I hardly run into him.

Being shy sure has its down parts and its good parts and most I think don’t really understand shyness. I’m like shy, but I can be out going to, except around guys of course as I mentioned. :p Weird huh?

Have any of you had this kinda situation, where you like someone, but you have no idea if they like you and you have no idea how to find out because your shy?

Strange Men Creep me Out

Tags

Charlize Theron, Conan O'Brien, Dating, personal, Relationships, Snow White and the Huntsman, The Creeping Terror, United States

Yesterday I was on my way to the pool and I left my apartment and I was in the lobby checking my mail and the elevator door opened and this man who looked creep. You know how you just get a bad vibe off of someone? Okay this guy had a pervert vibe coming off of him and I don’t like sensing that shit. Not one little bit.

I immediately closed my mail box and went to leave and he started asking me if I lived alone and where my husband was and my gut was like, don’t let him know I’m single and by myself with a baby, so I told him my boyfriend was at home and no I’m not single. Ekk. My gawd.

Then he’s like letting me get the door for you and I was like omg, don’t go near me, I said that in my head and hurried out the door and far away from him feeling like he was raping me with thoughts. I hate men like that. What the hell man? DO I live alone, where’s my husband, am I single? these are not things you ask someone you just saw especially if you’re a man. I mean come on. Creep!

Men like this freak me out.

I was shaking I was so scared and uneasy around this person, but I can’t call the cops on a bad feeling and odd questions. No No No they wait till something happens to do anything and even then ask what the girl is wearing. I know the drill. I’ve been there.

Anyways, I hope I never run into that person again.

I still have my pussy

Tags

Cat, Family, Home, Humor, Pets, pets promise alien planet funny sweet dream, Recreation, Relationships, Sacrifice

I haven’t been able to give up my pussy cat yet. I’ve had her for over 13 years so it makes it quite difficult even though she annoys me and makes me sneeze throughout the day and night which gets rough. I also had a dream last night where part of it I was cuddling with cuddles and then I couldn’t breathe from being so close to her to the point I had to go to the window and breathe in the fresh air to get air. 

usually when I dream of stuff like that its a premonition of what will come eventually with this allergy. I love her, but I don’t want to have that problem or this problem all the time and what if this means that the baby is allergic to? Sometimes it’s a sign of that since I believe mothers exhibit behaviour and qualities of their baby to be while their pregnant. I know many don’t believe in this but I believe very strongly in it and have actually exhibited the behaviours then that my children do now. It’s kind of theory of mine, I’ve become Sheldon I guess haha. “Bazinga”

The thing that bothers me about giving cuddles away also is I want to make sure that she’ll be okay and loved and taken care of, she’s practically family. Also i feel like I’m breaking my word and promise I made to her when I almost gave her up when I was 19 because it was hard to find a place that allowed pets and it was frustrating to my now ex-husband so I was going to sacrifice the cat I had for years for him because I was dumb and just sacrificed everything with him. Pathetic. Note to woman and men out there, “IF you have to sacrifice everything that matters to you or just have to really sacrifice, that’s not a relationship.” People think and say it is but it isn’t and the relationship will eventually crumble because you cannot make solid grounds with cut up pieces of cardboard of okay I guess I’ll give this up to’s to be with you.”

No no no, relationships are and should be like this and this alone,

“If it falls together naturally and you work together to incorporate both needs of each other and who ever else is involved such as pets and children to make it work. I’m not talking sacrifice I’m talking accepting and making room and growing and expanding what you have so that you can be there for the other and what they want and need then waalaaa you have found it.”

Take it from me, sacrifice is a relationship killer.

When your with someone you shouldn’t have to or be asked to give up something you love and need.

back to cuddles…

It’s rally hard to let her go because I love her for one and for another will she be loved and happy and lastly I promised her I would never try to give her up again. I know it may sound dumb that I promised a cat something and I don’t want to break it and you think it’s just a cat and it’s no big deal. Where I come from though, you keep your word to the best of your ability and you care and treat everyone, even creatures as someone special and important.

When I say where i come from i mean another rhelm and planet, remember I’m an alien.

Still don’t believe me? its okay, I like it that way, you see the more i tell you the less you believe and be suspicious after all who would really admit it if they are right.

oops i gave it away. “hahahaha”

Your still clueless”

SystematicMermaid.com is here

Tags

Mermaid, Online Writing, Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides, Poetry, Publishers, Relationships, Tools, WordPress

I am not sure if you all have noticed yet but I am now Systematicmermaid.com woop. Awesome huh, I am so excited to lose the wordpress part of my url domain. It was really nice and I am hoping you all like it as well.

I hope to make this site better and better and better. I really love adding to my blog, well to me I consider it my website because it features so much of what I do and love and I hope you all look at it as my website and continue to support and fallow me and share my page and work with the people you know and love.

I plan on adding more and more creative talents and ideas to my site to make it better and better and you will never be bored or feel like it’s a dead site because I will always be uploading and adding new fun things to read and learn about etc.

Please if you have any ideas for what else you would like to see let me know in a comment. Also if you would like to comment on what I have already, do so as well I would love to hear from you all.

I love you

Tags

Arts, God, Literature, Online Writing, Poetry, Relationships, Romance, Romantic

When you say I love you and they don’t say it back it hurts. I know from experience this very thing, though the words are spoken, the feeling is not there. You tell yourself they will and you tell your heart to wait for them to change their heart of hearts and pick you. You tell yourself that one day they will love you the same way you love them, since all you need is love, but then you remember that you can’t force love and there is no some day. There is just now and your heart that pains the truth of no gift back from the one person you long to have in your life.

I know this very well, since I am still trying to let go and no matter who I am with I still think of them and I still can’t escape the feelings or the memories that were actually worth having and worth keeping. I know it’s a lost cause to hold on, but my heart still does, but then I realized something huge. I realized that God gave us each a heart to love and show compassion for someone and to give without any expectancy to get back. To simply love because we love and no other reason. I love this someone simply because I love them and I have expressed it in so many ways, shapes and forms and I am not expecting a return because I know there is nothing that fallows, but I feel good knowing they know and just loving someone feels good to me.

I also know that one day I will feel what it’s like to be given love in return and what it is love to give to one that returns and the wait will have been worth it. It may not be the someone I want now or in the past, but it will be someone who will love me the same and that is a very special love to share and hold onto.

I am now accepting of what my heart feels and I am not in denile of it and I am not running from it any longer because it is a gift to love and it is a blessing. It is one of the most wonderful things about why I love souls and why I love God for his creation of man. For all the love that is still existent in this world. For all the hearts that love without expectancies, but simply love because they love.

Love is beautiful and I am glad I love

One day I will feel it back and that day I will look up and know God has heard my prayers, but for now my love is there and present and is among the world and many feel it. For I love many and I love many things and I love many animals and creations of God. I love because God gave me a heart to love and I love because without love there is nothing. I love because there is nothing but love inside of me to give.

I love because I have a heart

Why do you love? How do you love? And who do you love?

 

I cried Like a baby

Tags

Arts, Meg Ryan, Movies, Relationships, Romance, Romance film, Valentine's Day, Wedding Date

Last night after Niki was fast asleep I rented The Vow and began watching. I must say, the guy is one hot man. Okay a part from that. He’s smoken hot. Okay okay.

I loved it!

The movie I mean. “Well, the man to.”

It is the best romantic movie by far now in my books. I loved the notebook and I loved titanic and all those romantic movies. It was sucky that I had no one to watch it with. Do I wish I had that guy back to watch it with that I broke things off with?

“Gawd no!”

1. He’d have been trying to put a move on me through the whole thing and I’d have to slap him so I could enjoy the movie.

2. He’d start narrating it.

3. I mentioned I wanted to see it really badly about 6 times, every time he asked what movie I wanted to see and he always named ones he liked and I had to sacrifice and look forward to his stupid movie. “Men!”

4. Oh please, I’m not that desperate.

and that’s about all I’ve got in me.

I really enjoyed the movie, I must say though, I may have to watch it again since my eyes were all watery half the time from me crying my eyes out. It was such a touching movie. So sad and loving and so true when you’re in love. Truly in love. How I wish to find a man like him. “The character I mean, since all I know of the man is he’s quite yummy and then he took off his shirt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pant pant

Curtains Oh No!

Tags

Bay window, Curtain rod, Design, Interior design, People, Relationships, Window, Window blind

I finally got my bedroom with walls and my curtain rods have decided to give out and become gibbled. They are bending down and that is so not good at all because they are going to come down soon. All is well though because I got me a dashing mocho man to look at them and superman them until they are wonderwoman again, holding my walls up with strong arms. Hahaha!

I just got back from the store, I was in desperate need of cat liter and got that taken care of, but that’s not all I got. no no no!

I got myself a rainbow popsicle, yes I did!

I love popsicle and this one is so yummy. It was actually the one from my Look at mama video I posted awhile back if you remember?

I was waiting in line to pay for my things and this lady put her things down on the floor in front of me and was like,” I’m not trying to bud in, don’t worry.”

I’m like, “That’s okay.” Like come on lady, I didn’t glare or say nothing to suggest I thought such a thing.” lol

Then she saw the yummy popcicle on top of my stroller and looked at Niki and was like, “uuu somebodys getting a yummy treat I see.”

I smiled and kind of chuckled and said inside my head of course, “Yea… me!”

When I was walking home through a little mall a group of men asked if I wanted to sign up for a free membership for mother’s day at a work out center. i as usual cannot talk to men. It’s kind of like rauche from The big bang theory and please correct me if I spelt his name wrong, I have no clue how to spell that name. Ha!

I simple replied in a whispery silent breathy voice, “Nooooe, I don’ttttt” and when I passed they started laughing, probably because of how it sounded. Hell I’d of laughed to.

And what the hell was I trying to say when I said I don’t? lol I don’t even know.

I can talk to guys if I have spoken to them online before or if they ask me something when I’m relaxed and standing still. But just walking by or something. Hell most of the time, I just can’t speak. hahaha. It’s kind of comical. I almost wish there was a camera to show how I reply and react. ha!

Too funny.

Speaking of Mother’s Day, is everyone getting excited for it? What a wonderful day to say to Mommy how much you love them.

Mama Look good

Tags

Birthday, Dating, Health, Holidays, McDonald, Personals, Relationships, Value (economics)

I love looking nice, styling in my new jacket that my sister gave me. Looks gooooood!

I’m getting ready to take my son Natin out for his birthday lunch with Niki. We’re going to mc donalds. It’s going to take a while to get to him though because it’s an hour n a half bus ride there and back. Oh well, wont be that bad.

At least I’ll look good riding the bus haha.

I feel good when I dress good. plus maybe I’ll bump into the man of my dreams hahaha

“It could happen.”

I hate when people tell me “don’t think about meeting anyone just concentrate on your kids and your life.” I’m like “UM DO YOU THINK I FORGET ABOUT THAT?”

Seriously?

I would rather hear something I’d say to someone who wants to meet someone, “You’ll meet a great man who loves and cares about you. You are a good person and it’s only a matter of time before he comes and you get your happily ever after.” See doesn’t that sound more nice to hear? DAH

If only there were more mandie talkers out there haha. When it comes to people’s hearts and feelings I know what the heart needs to hear I have a lot of care for people and I wish others had the same for me. DOesn’t matter if they don’t though I’m still there to share my words and care when they need me to. Simply because I care and understand.

So today when your out  and about give a stranger or friend a little love

Remember, it is the simplest things that make a smile.

Now I’m off to strut my Looking good Mama Self around town. haha

Love to you all on this beautiful Saturday <3

Friends? No I swear

Tags

Arts, Babybel, Friends, Friendship, Relationships, Services, United States, Young-adult fiction

I don’t have any, kinda odd but I find it hard for people to relate to me because I’m such a rock star! no really I am. Haha

I met a few friends online lately, nice to have people to talk to who I can laugh with. Yay for friends. Like this blog if you would be my friend. Like it if you wont to, I could use all the likes I can get.

hahaha

I’m such a rock STAR!

Weekends over

Tags

Family, Home, Morning sickness, Nausea, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Symptoms, Relationships, Symptom

I took my kiddies home and now I’m just playing some motorcycle mario online that my son Johnathan got me addicted to but level 7 is too hard so I decided to take a break and write a blog before I jump in the shower. It was a nice weekend with my kids. They had lots of fun. I haven’t really been feeling 100% a part from pregnancy symptoms nausea and tiredness. i just feel blue here and there because I feel alone. Not in a sense that I have no one because I have my little ones. I just feel alone in the love department. I am a very affectionate person and need that sort of thing, love, intimacy… etc and I haven’t had it in a long time.

No I don’t mean sex. Pfft.

I just feel blue.

People keep telling me, “oh your pretty so of course you will meet someone but I’d like to tell you all a secret most don’t probably know about pretty people as you call me. It’s hard for us to when it comes to finding someone because we tend to get the wrong someone whose just after our looks and what we can do for them. Instead of into who we are and our hearts and what we’re all about. i know that for a fact through experience. It’s so hard to find someone. Me… I have it hard because, ya I am pretty… not the most beautiful girl in the world of course. Pfft, but a decent pretty girl, but I also look 11 years younger than I am. So that makes it also hard to meet someone because guys my age think I’m took young and younger guys who think I’m as old as I look, around 17 don’t want a girl with kids.

Especially not one that’s expecting. No one’s going to want that.

Sigh. I feel like I’m going to be alone for a long time. I know defiantly until I have the baby and get back in shape. That’s a given. Oh and another thing that is probably going to be hard for me to meet someone is the fact that I’ll have five children and have been divorced. Ug so much weighing against me in the odds of finding someone. I hate love.

It’s so cruel to me.

Not all love, just the relationship love.

Everyone’s got someone, even my ex’s. Sigh.

That bums me out even more because it makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me if guys that weren’t good to me found someone and I can’t even find someone and I know I’m a good person and a good partner.

I know I still need to fully get over my ex Mike, before I meet anyone to, I just have that fear that I’ll never have anyone. It’s hard, you know.

Some nights I cry myself to sleep because it’s just really hard to accept being alone and not having anyone to hold me or love me the way I know I deserve to be loved.

I don’t mean to sound like a desperate fool because I’m in no way desperate to meet just anyone. I just want to meet the one. That special someone like most everyone does. Doesn’t have to me now, after the baby and when I’m back in shape I’d settle for. Just not years and years. I know everyone’s like “your still young” but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how old I am, I am still alone and have these feelings and age isn’t going to change anything. It’s only going to remind me of how much time goes by before I find someone special to share my life with.

Hell right now it would be nice to even have a girlfriend, I can’t seem to make any of those either. Maybe it is me.

I just don’t fit in.

On another note….

I’m 12 weeks pregnant today, yay

My face is dry and I get pimples all the time now. I get nausea and I’m tired a lot. I get back aches and leg aches and all sorts of aches. I have weird dreams. When do I not though, they do get more strange during pregnancy though. Not sure why. I crave chicken and ice cream. Not together of course.

I like pop cycles to.

oh and diet pepsi but I’ve always liked that.

Yogart is good to. But again, I’ve always liked that to.

I like chocolate milk shakes and oreo blizzards. but that falls under ice-cream haha.

I have my next doctors appointment on the 3rd and have to get another blood test done may 20th, well around there.

heres a picture of my belly now.

 

I still can’t believe how much my belly has grown and I’m only 3 months haha. My little bellabairie

Some Day My Prince Will Come

Tags

Dream, Dream Sharing, love, Prince, Prince Charming, Psychology, Relationships, Social Sciences

As a little girl I dreamt of a prince. I was a dreamer and I held onto my dreams tightly and I had so much hope for love. I believed in true love and the ties that bind you to someone special. Your forever and always.

I knew things as a young girl that many didn’t. I was intuitive, but sometimes even sight can blind you. I fell for a boy who held my heart but was afraid to cradle me. Afraid of his loved ones reaction to a girl like me, from a family like mine. I fell for a boy who would only break my heart slowly and peel back my layers only to break the seams of each leaf that fell away from my core. Instead of blossom like a rose I was meant to be.

In my heart and mind I knew I found the one, but in reality I found someone I would learn many lessons and leave with pain unimaginable, only to find a new dream and take a chance on it. This dream I saw coming and I thought for sure this was my prince and then the layers were peeled back one by one only to remind me of the suffering I knew so well growing up. Where was the love and affection I longed for and deserved to feel from a man. I was wounded, but held my head up as much as I could, traveling on this lonely road only to give my heart to another, who used and abandoned me and left me alone once again.

I sit in a lonely room surrounded by many things I am thankful for and am so proud of myself for all I have done to bring me to where I am now and all the strength I have. I sit here in this chair next to my cat who has walked my road with me. Hearing the soft sounds of my beautiful baby boy sleeping in the next room and the beating of the little life inside my womb and I feel blessed. Though I also feel an emptiness that is waiting to be filled with love from a man. My prince. A place I keep inside me until he arrives.

All I know is “Some day my prince will come”

Little girls dream of fairy tales and so do big girls when their all grown up.

Feel So Alone

Tags

Child, Family, Hardship Relief, Home, People, Relationships, Requesting Help, Single-parent

This is not the first time I’ve said this, I know. Believe me, it’s not even the first time I’ve felt it.

I feel like I’m going to just be a single mother forever because every time I fall for a guy, it’s never as it seems.

There are moments when I think… “maybe it will work if… maybe they care enough now and oh… well maybe if I act this way they will…”

It’s no use though, because I know in my heart of hearts that someone either cares or they don’t.

They either love you, or they love you in a whole different way then you love them. Or even love you in a way that is so not the way they say they have loved you.

I think people can become blind when they are in the moment and the one on the receiving end is so clearly experiencing everything on such a deep level that it becomes so overwhelming to bear.

That is how I feel.

I feel like I am looking at my experiences under a microscope unintentionally of course and I see things so clearly and things have become so vivid to me, it’s tainted what little I have left because I know the truth of it all.

The truth is hard to bare.

I feel so alone. I don’t think anyone I know understands me there. At least it doesn’t seem as such.

I feel like I have another beautiful child on the way and once again no one to share it with. No one to rub my ankles when they get sore. No one to hold my hair when I’m sick. Comfort me when I’m emotional and feeling down. Reasure me when I feel uneasy about things I am going through. I have no one to look into my eyes and tell me they would never want to hurt me and actually mean it. Or think of me in ways that let me know they care. When I have house chores, offer to help or lighten the load a bit, by helping me get to the laundry mat. I have no one to share meals with, or laugh with to a favourite show. No one to go on date nights with and go for long walks and shop until our feet hurt. Stay up talking until we fall asleep.

I am just me with my children, which is a wonderful thing, but it’s not the same.

I was a child and I dreamed a dream of a beautiful family of my own, one far off from the house I grew up in. A family with a man who loved me so deeply and who I loved him which I don’t even need to mention here because I fall easily and always seem to fall too hard for men who don’t give the same in return. Instead it’s I who isn’t giving enough always. It’s okay though, because some need more than others in relationships. I just want fifty fifty.

I know it’s going to be awhile now before I ever meet anyone because I am having my fifth child and I am on welfare… so many facets about me that would turn a guy off, yet I know that the right guy wont care about all that stuff, but I worry that he even exists.

Do I get love? Do I get my dream?

I feel so alone it hurts inside.

I don’t even have a friend. I’d even settle for a good friend.

“Tears” I guess I got to learn to let go of my dream and just be thankful for what I have, but the loneliness hurts. Especially now.

 

Poetry Day “Entry Twelve”

Tags

Arts, Christmas, Contest, Dance, friend poetry love miss longing sad open, God, Performing arts, Poetry, Relationships

Land of fever, hot as sand

fire of rivers, cover your hands

Standing tall, on a blanket of stars

Sinking in salt water, drinking word in a whisper of lambs

Over the mountain of a river of warm

Cover my body in a man of my soul

A part of my family, he is with my stars

A part of the heavens, an angel he stands

Sounds of the rain drops, kissing the ground

My lips pink of roses, my eyes bright as blue

Holding my hand, in a moment, of truth

My breath now a whisper of tomorrows day beau

lighting my sky up, I paint on the moon

Old friend is no longer, so I must fall forward in a rhythm of feet

Pounding the pavement in, a dance, of ballet

Here comes my music

Are you ready for me

Hit By A Truck

Tags

Arts, Feather, God, Online Writing, Pain, Poetry, Relationships, Romance

I woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck. I just feel so alone and sad and all the anger from my last relationship lifted and I just felt horrible and cried myself to sleep. I spent weeks just zoning out and trying to forget about my ex and move on by trying to fall in love again and be happy and meet the one, but that’s not how love works and it’s not how healing works either, but I was too angry and just wanting to forget and move on, to even see it.

I’m sure many of you have been through the same thing after a break up from someone who you wanted to marry and spend the rest of your lift with, but you know what, you can’t spend or share a life when both parties don’t want the same thing or even see each other. Can’t create a home out of feathers, they always fall away instead of stick together. I tried so hard to use the finest glue to keep him and make him happy without sacrificing things he didn’t like, like my videos etc… but it just never worked. The fact that I’m even blogging about this or anything personal was a problem as well, but if someone knows how you are before they are with you, shouldn’t they be okay. If it was these things that actually drew them into to say something to you or claim to love you for. Wouldn’t the problem rest else ware. I’ve tried long and hard to figure out the reasons behind why we didn’t work and I have still come back with a hand full of feathers that fall away from me so easily.

I miss him and I know it can never be and even if it could, it’s like it could never be because we have feathers and not bricks to build us a happy solid home together. This I have struggled with. This is what’s behind my search for another. I do not like the pain of the loss, the pain of the life without him. The life I wanted and changed so much and traveled so far and endured so much to be a part of and the thing that’s most painful is the fact that I still think deep down, “Maybe if I wasn’t so… Maybe if I didn’t… Maybe if I was…” relationships constantly make us ask these questions, but only the one that leave you with a handful of feathers instead of a pile of bricks to build together.

Love is complicated, it wasn’t meant to be easily understood. Love simply is and I can’t explain why I love this someone, or prove I do. I can’t convince love, I simply love because I do. I run because I hurt and because I can’t take no more and because I lost before I ever got to touch the painting I strived so long to lay within the paint of this mans affection and become his colors in life instead of his paintbrush carelessly left behind.

There were so many wrongs to the love that made us and so many mistakes and so many obstacles forced to face and never overcome, because the ropes were so far out and the mountain to high, the river ran to fast for our feet. We simply drifted and looked upon each other in a casting of clouds and rain and sobbed into our pillows on either side of the bed that even kept us apart. Love is not what hurts us, but it is the loss of the love that we feel that cuts us and wounds us and I lay very wounded awaiting a cure to this healing. That is why I search, it is why I wait by the window and look out for my prince once again. It is why I cry into my sheet every falling sun and awake to an empty bed without him and an empty life where he does not hold my hand, or kiss me or remind me of the reasons he loves me and show me he care by the look he gives me, gazing into my eyes, but you see. These things were only dreams in my head and not on the pillow where both our heads rested.

Why I asked so many times, but no answer came.

Now here I click at the keys with tears in my eyes in hopes that those who feel as I do know they are not enduring the hurt alone and with my bit of strength I say, “We will get stronger with each passing day. Each moment we grow and each moment we rise to bigger and brighter things. We will find love in all that surrounds us, it may not be in the face that you long to feel it from, but from the faces of your family and friends, faces of your children who look upon you in an unselfish, undeniable love. In the magic of your hands and the love in your heart that God gave to us in a stroke of his hand, like a painter with the finest brush, he created us one by one. As we are and here we stand, with love in our hearts and strength to grow and rise from all that tries to weaken us, fore it is not our weakness that crashes us to the ground, it is the rise up and how we stand knowing he’s there along the way. Love is this and We will find it, when we find this love in ourselves.”

Fore now we heal

 

Twilight Marathon!

Tags

Arts, Breaking Dawn, Literature, New York, Relationships, Romance, Twilight, Twilight Saga

Nothing better to do then snuggle up under a blanket alone with my kitty and watch a movie. Ha! “I’m not sure that sounded too good.” Or perhaps it sounded very good? No?

Well I’m going to have a quiet evening and just relax and rest my back all alone, always alone. Well not entirely alone, but there are many different types of alone and I’m only talking about a specific one. I miss, cuddling and having someone and kissing and snuggling and talking long hours and sharing and romance and love-making and showers and gawd everything that comes with being in a relationship. I’d rather wait for a special guy though who wants to share that with me though and isn’t just about physical stuff, which most are. Well as I hear, all are, but I refuse to believe that.

Cuddling with a blanket just doesn’t sooth the pain or longing I feel every night and day. “Sigh”

Removed Myself from Dating site

Tags

Dating, Interpersonal relationship, OkCupid, Online dating service, Personals, Relationships, right, Yahoo! Answers

I’ve been on it went on a few dates. It ends the same and I don’t feel like going through the process like that again, I’d rather just wait and see if Mr. Right finds me or not. Who knows anymore. After the last date and liking him but him not feeling the same it just reminds me too much of my past boyfriends how I give too much or feel too much etc. I just wanted so bad to meet my soul mate and finally be happy, but you know what. Some of us don’t and my looking online probably isn’t going to bring nothing but trouble and heart ache. So off I went and just going to pour my energy into my family and activities and things that are in my life right now and forget about needing a man.

If I meet my soul mate on my journey through that then wonderful, if not I’d rather not re-live the hurt of rejection over and over again. I’m too sensitive to it.

Hmm Stumped

Tags

Dating, India, Male, Patrick Stump, Personals, Relationships, Stump, WACA Ground

I went on a second date with Mr. Date man and it was wonderful and I really like this guy. It’s insane how much I already like him and I loved our time together and I have no idea how he feels about me at all. I’m not even sure how interested in me he is. After our date when he dropped me off he didn’t kiss me goodnight, I put myself out to meaning I stared at him and he wasn’t looking at me and he just said to call him when I get a babysitter again and we will go out. Then he left without a kiss, just a hug. Does that mean, he’s not interested? So I was a psycho again because I really like this guy and I text him after I get back home and tell him I’m home and that I had a wonderful dinner etc with him and then I mention the no kiss thing in a cute sort of manner, well at least I think it was cute and he didn’t write back after. He responded to the other texts, but not to that one.

I’m taking it, if he wasn’t interested, he defiantly isn’t now after I just made the “no no” girls make on dates when they really like a guy. Which is, text or call them soon after and I mentioned the no kiss thing which probably didn’t look very good for me. Maybe I seemed desperate. Gawd I’m an idiot. “Sigh”

I really suck at this dating thing.