I woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck. I just feel so alone and sad and all the anger from my last relationship lifted and I just felt horrible and cried myself to sleep. I spent weeks just zoning out and trying to forget about my ex and move on by trying to fall in love again and be happy and meet the one, but that’s not how love works and it’s not how healing works either, but I was too angry and just wanting to forget and move on, to even see it.
I’m sure many of you have been through the same thing after a break up from someone who you wanted to marry and spend the rest of your lift with, but you know what, you can’t spend or share a life when both parties don’t want the same thing or even see each other. Can’t create a home out of feathers, they always fall away instead of stick together. I tried so hard to use the finest glue to keep him and make him happy without sacrificing things he didn’t like, like my videos etc… but it just never worked. The fact that I’m even blogging about this or anything personal was a problem as well, but if someone knows how you are before they are with you, shouldn’t they be okay. If it was these things that actually drew them into to say something to you or claim to love you for. Wouldn’t the problem rest else ware. I’ve tried long and hard to figure out the reasons behind why we didn’t work and I have still come back with a hand full of feathers that fall away from me so easily.
I miss him and I know it can never be and even if it could, it’s like it could never be because we have feathers and not bricks to build us a happy solid home together. This I have struggled with. This is what’s behind my search for another. I do not like the pain of the loss, the pain of the life without him. The life I wanted and changed so much and traveled so far and endured so much to be a part of and the thing that’s most painful is the fact that I still think deep down, “Maybe if I wasn’t so… Maybe if I didn’t… Maybe if I was…” relationships constantly make us ask these questions, but only the one that leave you with a handful of feathers instead of a pile of bricks to build together.
Love is complicated, it wasn’t meant to be easily understood. Love simply is and I can’t explain why I love this someone, or prove I do. I can’t convince love, I simply love because I do. I run because I hurt and because I can’t take no more and because I lost before I ever got to touch the painting I strived so long to lay within the paint of this mans affection and become his colors in life instead of his paintbrush carelessly left behind.
There were so many wrongs to the love that made us and so many mistakes and so many obstacles forced to face and never overcome, because the ropes were so far out and the mountain to high, the river ran to fast for our feet. We simply drifted and looked upon each other in a casting of clouds and rain and sobbed into our pillows on either side of the bed that even kept us apart. Love is not what hurts us, but it is the loss of the love that we feel that cuts us and wounds us and I lay very wounded awaiting a cure to this healing. That is why I search, it is why I wait by the window and look out for my prince once again. It is why I cry into my sheet every falling sun and awake to an empty bed without him and an empty life where he does not hold my hand, or kiss me or remind me of the reasons he loves me and show me he care by the look he gives me, gazing into my eyes, but you see. These things were only dreams in my head and not on the pillow where both our heads rested.
Why I asked so many times, but no answer came.
Now here I click at the keys with tears in my eyes in hopes that those who feel as I do know they are not enduring the hurt alone and with my bit of strength I say, “We will get stronger with each passing day. Each moment we grow and each moment we rise to bigger and brighter things. We will find love in all that surrounds us, it may not be in the face that you long to feel it from, but from the faces of your family and friends, faces of your children who look upon you in an unselfish, undeniable love. In the magic of your hands and the love in your heart that God gave to us in a stroke of his hand, like a painter with the finest brush, he created us one by one. As we are and here we stand, with love in our hearts and strength to grow and rise from all that tries to weaken us, fore it is not our weakness that crashes us to the ground, it is the rise up and how we stand knowing he’s there along the way. Love is this and We will find it, when we find this love in ourselves.”
Fore now we heal