Yet More ignorant people

It’s so sickening that online allows so much harassment and cruelty. It’s sad really. For years I’ve had to deal with videos I regretfully made during a depression 4 years ago and am constantly harassed by perverts online wanting to exploit them every which way they can and I am sick of it. It’s pathetic. It’s so ignorant I can’t even begin to describe how wrong and disrespectful it is to do something like that to someone.

I made a mistake, big freaking deal man, yea mine happened online because I was depressed and stupid and made a wrong decision, big fucking deal.

Who gives a rats ass.

It was four freaking years ago. Four years ago I would gladly jump back there and wake myself up and stop myself from doing something so stupid that would cause what it has. Just because I made that mistake over a month period four freaking years ago doesnt give you any knowledge of who or what kind of person I am. It doesn’t give you the right to exploit them all over the fucking internet like a childish ignorant pervert wanting to bring attention your perverted interest in depressed girls on a web cam. Grow the hell up.

Leave me the hell alone and stop being idiots. Have some respect for people and their own mistakes they make. Yea mine was public, four years ago. Who gives a rats ass. At least I know I did wrong and I regret it and became a better more confident person. You… you haven’t changed at all, you perverts are still pervs wanting to use girls online posting like an addiction. Grow up.Find a new hobby. I am not even going to bother making more youtube videos. I am done with you linking shit to my accounts like you own the world and youtube allows it. You make threats and post shit, I don’t give a damn no more. Have youtube. Have all that mistake bull crap. Have that world, I’d gladly give it up if it means you all disapear and leave me the hell alone.


No matter what I can’t seem to escape the harassment and taunting. I can’t escape the names and the mistake I made during a bad time in my life. No matter what some perv guy keeps posting old nude videos of me on-line and linking it to my accounts and threatening me. I’m being bullied and harassed and feel like I can’t even do anything about it. I’ve went to the police about it before and they said there’s nothing I or they can do. Also if they remove one then another will post. I feel like I can’t do what I love any more because of it. I can’t even have a relationship because of it. It’s always going to be an issue and because I’m an Indigo and no body understands me already, they don’t understand it and can’t seem to register that I was depressed and didn’t give a shit about myself back then. I thought that’s all I was good for. I am different now, I’ve talked to counsellors over the years and family and friends who’ve been there and am in a good place, but no matter what, here is this garbage that continues to fallow me through my life.

I don’t know what to do.

It’s really upsetting and I feel helpless.

This person said he wants me to face my past as though I don’t realize I did it. I know what I did and I’m sorry to myself and God. I’m sorry to my family and friends who’ve had to deal with it and I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough back then to rise out of my depression sooner and tell myself I’m better than that and I’m not just some sex object. I have always been seen as a porn star to men even before I made this huge mistake. I would get harassed in school by girls and guys who thought my wearing overalls was sexual and revealing. I’d get perv teachers and counsellors trying to put moves on me. I was almost raped and killed by an ex boyfriend at age 13 which police did nothing about. I was in a class where three boys held out money and asked how much it would cost for me to strip for them. I didn’t dress inaproperatly I was just a teenager. I have been hurt by men so many times during my life. I remember being molested as a child faintly by a family friend. Hell I’ve been strong through it all and I’ve become a good, grounded person who loves herself and family and life very much and because of this one mistake I made four years ago of posting nude videos for money I am harassed and judged and taunted and threatened for it. I can’t run away and I can’t just live my life without hearing or seeing it some where. I’ll never be able to get a job or have a loving relationship with a man. Most I can hope for is a good life just raising my beautiful children and letting go of my dreams of being something like a writer or singer. Something with art. I will always be judged and I will always be reminded by what I did and have this label on me.

I am crying. I am hurt. I feel powerless to it all.

I have contacted youtube and flagged, I have contacted other sites. I have talked to police. I can’t do nothing about it but let it happen it seems. So I have given up what I love and enjoy simply because I have to in order to escape it. I feel so defeated.

I guess that’s why they do it.

Thing is I don’t care if they won.

I would rather hide away and pretend that wasn’t me, than do what I love and have it tainted with my past mistake people try so hard to remind me of and since I haven’t aged in my skin since I was 18 I haven’t changed enough physically to sneak by it. I am so hurt.

and I am so sorry for doing it.  There isn’t a day goes by where I don’t regret it and wish it never had happened. My marriage was depressing and it caused me a lot of insecurity and self-confidence. I lost a lot of love and respect for myself and I lost who I was. I was treated badly by his family, many things have played the role in how I became depressed back then, but I don’t even understand why I have to explain myself in order for people to understand it hurts when you post it and make me out to be some porn star when I am not. I’m just a girl whose made a bad mistake during a very hard time in my life. I just want to live my life and move on from it. Like others get to after making mistakes. Why can’t you let me? Why must you taunt me?

Please leave me alone.


5 thoughts on “Yet More ignorant people

  1. This is a very sad situation. I am so sorry that some individuals have chosen to harass you in this way. We have all done things in our past that we aren’t proud of. For someone to take this and continually harass you in such a hurtful way, is truly despicable. I am sure you are strong enough to get past this. I am glad that you are going to continue to create for the ones of us out here who truly do appreciate your talent. Thank you for that, and good luck to you.

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