Five Children (Judgemental Eyes)

I’m almost a mother of five children and as a mother of many children I am constantly judged by family and strangers for it. I am not sure why many have to judge that, but it is quite hurtful to make someone feel bad for bringing children into the world. I love all my little ones and I do not regret any of them. I grew up in a big family, I have three brothers and two sisters and my parents came from large families as well. I am old fashion that way and I love children.

I got married at eighteen and immediately wanted to have a family and did, I had three children with my now ex husband. We didn’t work out for many reasons I wont say and those three children have disabilities and delays and reside full time with my ex because I didn’t want to pry them away from their family home since they are sensitive to change and because he has lots of family support etc for their needs and all I have is me and my mother.

It was so hard to leave my three behind and begin a new life and visit my kids when I could.

After leaving my husband I became involved with another man who I fell in love with, harder then I had with anyone and I tried so hard to make it work and I fell pregnant unplanned and I really wasn’t ready for a baby at all. I ended up losing that baby at 11 weeks in and I was devastated and blamed myself for it because I thought it was my fault it happened because I wasn’t excited about it. I was so hurt by the loss. My new boyfriend and I tried for a baby after that and moved in with another and I got pregnant right away and the loss became easier to deal with and I loved my new growing baby and was so careful not to exert myself because I didn’t want to lose the baby and experience that kind of loss ever again. So that is how my fourth came along. My boyfriend and I ended up splitting, he didn’t treat me right and it was always a wishing game, that he would change and be happy to be with me kind of struggle, but it never happened.

I tried to move on and dated another man which I began a relationship with and hoped it would go well and he was a single dad and seemed very nice but he did alot of misleading things like never spending the night etc. We were very careful not to get pregnant and one night the protection failed and boom, it just took that once. I knew I was going to be alone and abandoned, he told me it was my fault and told me to get rid of it, for lack of a better word and I told him to get lost. You see I don’t believe in abortions and after losing a baby you never forget the feeling of loss and I couldn’t just get rid of it, like it was a piece of old furniture. I wanted to keep the baby. People suggested my giving it up for adoption, but I couldn’t do that either and wonder where my baby was all my life and have the baby grow up and ask why I gave them up? what was wrong with them? instead of being like the two possible fathers I decided to keep the baby and give the baby so much love and know that God has a plan. God gave me five children and anyone who see’s it as something bad I just don’t understand that.

I have had so much pain from men and them leaving me after having children and just being abandoned and feeling so unloved and wanted, my children are my greatest love in this world and my greatest happiness. I am so very blessed to have so many, when some can’t even have one. Which is very sad to me. I love children and having five is the same as having one, only more love to go around. My life hasn’t gone the way I had planned, not even the slightest. I was supposed to get married and live happily ever after with my prince who loved me and instead, well here I am.

Life happens how it happens and sometimes the choices we make change the future, but I wouldn’t change it. I have my children who I love so very much and no matter how many judgement eyes look upon me I know I am lucky and blessed to have such beautiful, wonderful amazing children who have such big hearts.

I wish the world wasn’t so judgemental and actually took a moment to ask themselves what it would feel like to get that judgement upon them. All I know is, I would never judge like that, I know better then anyone what that feels like and no one deserves it. I know I don’t, especially not from family and not from strangers either.

When someone says, “WOw, five, I hope your done now.” Or, “That’s sure a lot of kids” “Why did you have so many?” “Dont have any more” Type stuff, it’s so insensitive towards my feelings.

It’s just been bothering me, this sort of judgement and I wanted to write about it and express my feelings on it. Please be more kind to others, we all have feelings and we all get hurt and you have no idea what someone is going through or gone through to get them to where they are and you have no right to judge them.

On a happier note, “I can’t wait to meet my last little one, I am so excited to see if it’s a boy or girl and hold it in my arms and look into the baby’s eyes and tell them I love them so very much.” (Crying at the thought of it) 🙂 happy tears of course.

One thought on “Five Children (Judgemental Eyes)

  1. Beautifully written as always. Yes people can be hurtful sometimes even though I dont think they mean too most of the time. Your a wonderous woman and your children are lucky to have you for their mother. Cant wait till your new one arrives so we all know what it is. So glad your tears are happy tears.

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