I’ve often wondered what to think of my life and who I have become. I look around and I wonder what the people close to me in my life think of me and then I realise the truth. People who I thought were my family, or friends were really just close enemies waiting for their turn to strike me down.
I know that’s as strong way of putting it, but to me it seems as such in the moment when it’s all happening. I’ve come through a long and hard path of abuse and having to suffer at another’s hand and words. From boyfriends to girlfriends and even family members; I’ve always felt a target, but maybe I’m just too sensitive and it just seems that way.
For whatever reason I feel like many are against me and it always boils down to my creativity or my way of life, (having little.) I personally don’t feel like it’s anyone’s right to judge me, nor make me feel like crap about how I live and doing lots with little to beauty up the situation I enter into. Since I was little, people always thought that they could tell me what to do, or how to dress, or how to act. They have put me in a corner and scolded me for their own anger and own sadness. I can name plenty of times I have been there for all the people around me when they needed me and I wonder why they treat me less. I wonder why they have no respect for me, or even care.
Recently I watched and listened as a family member took their anger out on me and finally came out and told me what they really think of me. Not only that but exploded in letters, text and emails and even to others about what they thought. I dare not repeat the things said, but it was pretty much like watching someone close that you love and care about turn into a hater/bully that wants nothing more than to see you crawl into a hole and die. I felt bad, but I also thought, I can’t do anything about it, because obviously this person has felt this way for a long time, judging by the depth of it. I am saddened of course, I lost someone I thought was close to me, but really wasn’t. I can never trust this person again, nor let this person in fully.
It’s really hard to accept something so extreme that’s happened and realise that you’ve been completely fooled, again. I can look back now and say there were signs of their feelings and thoughts, but never did I imagine how bad they were. It’s tragic.
Life goes on though, and as always I have to pick myself up and try to smile and beauty up the situation. I had to let this person go, it’s best to let people that bring you down leave your life because if you let them in, you allow more negatives to come your way. I’ve got to do more of that, clean house sort of speak. I’m tired of people hurting me and I just shrug it off and forgive, or I look the other way like it never happened. I care too much. I don’t want them to need me down the road and me not be there, because I know how that would feel. I need to stop worrying about stuff like that. In these cases of course, if someone completely wrongs me with full intention of it, they do not deserve to have me in their life. Especially not on an emotional, heart level. Where there is pain, wear your armor proud, for your heart is sacred ground.
They tell me if I don’t like to be judged then I should not post online, or talk about my feelings and thoughts; to become closed off from the world around me. I’ve never been the type to hide away, I’ve never been the type to tip toe, or fear judgement. It’s expected, I just wish it wasn’t from family. I look at all my family in love and no judgement eyes, even now. After everything, I still have no judgement, only sadness that this is so. Maybe that’s a bad thing about me, I don’t know. Maybe I should be more like others, hold grudges, lash out at people and hurt feelings, but that’s never been me. I don’t like to see people hurt, I have too much empathy, and I can literally feel their pain. I remember hearing people talk behind my back about how I never make fun of people and they were laughing at me.
Saying I’m a goodie goodie.
Miss perfect little angel.
Ya… it’s true, I don’t like making fun of others. It’s small and cruel and it’s really rude and anyone that does it must be insecure with themselves. What makes you so perfect you have to lash out at others?
So what I write blogs about my life, I’m a writer. I’ve been writing since I was ten years old. So what I make music videos, I’ve been doing that since I was fourteen and ya, I got depressed and did a stupid thing to degrade myself.
I’m always going to be the girl in front of the camera who isn’t afraid to be herself and smile. I’m always going to have a big heart, I wear on my sleeve. A heart with many bruises and scars, but I wear it proud and I wear it free. I’m always going to be creative in as many ways as possible because I am a colorful personality and I am not afraid to express myself because the way I see it. That’s one thing no one can take from me.
My love and passion for life, for love and for the beauty inside and around me
I don’t need others to tell me I’m good at something to be good at something, I know my strengths and my weakness’s. Yes I want to be successful at something I’m passionate about and I will be one day. I am a firm believer of that because I never give up. I’m strong and I’m weak, I’m hopeful and I’m easy going. I’m proud and I’m shy. I’m outgoing and I’m passionate. I’m sensitive and I’m intuitive. I’m loving and I’m silly. I’m opinionated, but I’m accepting. I am who I am and I won’t change and those who want me to don’t matter.