There are many words for what I have been through and there are many sides of the story I am sure. My side is just a shadow of the picture, but is it the side you wish to see and believe, or the shadow you wish to escape and pretend never existed. A love is quite like that, a love that left me bleeding with my heart exposed and a wound deep and a scar noticeable the longer time edged on.
When I was just a little girl which wouldn’t seem very long ago for most of you who look at me and think i am much younger then I am and maybe in a way I am, but in many ways I am beyond my years. I used to dream about my prince who would rescue me from my wicked castle and we would live happily ever after in a big house with lots of children. I got married young to a man who never really wanted to be my husband and got divorced after almost nine years of figuring that out, being too young and naive to see it first hand. I can look back now and see all the signs that said, stop, but love blinds you. Though it wasn’t close to the love I would soon feel. As I was leaving that life of entrapment and a stand still as it always felt as, I became involved with a man who I felt was a godsend. He said all the right things and he was so charming and smooth and artistic and musical and his name was so strong. I loved his look and his energy, I loved his everything, but I hated that he disliked so many things about me. I wanted him to see me as I saw him. Only wanted that. I loved him so much. I had prayed for years and years to fall in love so deeply, to feel that love you see in movies, that makes you do unthinkable things. Travel to be with that person, and I did just that. I traveled by myself to meet him and went the distance and changed my whole life for him but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I felt like I was on a treadmill and I kept running towards him but no matter what I would always fall backwards, away from his reach because he didn’t feel the same, yet claimed it was me who didn’t. He was certain it was me who didn’t care or put him first, yet everything I did proved I did. I felt defeated and pleaded for him to love me and for him to care more and want to spend time with me and love me for who I was, but he didn’t. That was wrong of me, because I shouldn’t have to ask someone to love me the same, or care, or want me as I wanted them. I fell hard for this man. Harder then I ever felt imaginable and now that there can be nothing between us because he will never see me that way, I have to live with the love, but the pain of never being able to express it. I have to live with the temptation of his love he dangles before me, I have to live with the bond I have, the connection. I have to live with the memories of his kisses, his passion. I miss him, but how can I miss what I never really had, I love him, but how can I love what wasn’t real.
Sometimes love blinds you and sometimes love changes you and you can’t go back, no matter how much you want to. I sometimes stand in the shower and let the water fall down on my face and let out breaths, deep breaths of all the air I can release from my lungs as if to empty my aching at least for a little bit. I want to forget. I want to give up the love I have for this man I will never receive. I want to be able to reach out my heart and hope another, man who laughs at my jokes, who sees my heart, who is attracted to my heart and soul more then my body. Who cares about me unconditionally. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and puts me first. Who wants to take care of me. I want to open my heart again, I’m so afraid to and I am still hoping deep down this other man who I can’t let go of will love me back as I’ve loved him, though I know he will never. It’s over. It’s never going to be and that very truth is what has me stuck. I can’t seem to accept it. He shows me the slightest emotional connection and I open my heart and wait for his embrace, but it never comes. It’s one sided as it always has been, and I am just a someone from his past, a notch on his belt, a glimpse of something that never came close to what he wanted. He used to tell me, “I wish you were thirty.” I’d ask him why because he said it so often in a breathy kind of way which told me he longed for it. he answered, “because you’ve be different..” I told him, I would always be me, no matter my age. It breaks my heart knowing I was never what he wanted and was never going to be. What did a number change?
Sometimes I think it’s me, like theres something wrong with me and thats why he couldn’t love me, but my heart knows better. I just wanted him to love me. I still do, and I don’t know how to let go of it. It’s hard. I guess that’s why there are so many broken heart songs in the world. Love leaves a scar and no matter what, no matter the songs you sing to get it out, no matter how many you tell about it, or how much you talk about it till people get sick of hearing it. It’s always there and your really in it alone, because truth is, no one understands a love like that until they feel it. When I love, I love hard. It’s how I am. I give it all I have without changing myself, which is mostly why it doesn’t work out. I wont change my creativity, or give up my beliefs etc. I want to be loved for me and I can’t pretend with someone, no matter how deeply I care for them. My soul wont let me, it’s like a promise i made with God and I keep my promises with my father. He has been there for me through every fall and rise and I will not turn my back on him, or our promises.
Love is lasting
But why do I have to love him when he will never love me?