Do you ever feel like no ones really listening to you, that you are on your own and people merely interact with you because they feel they have to, instead of wanting to because they actually care for you or because they enjoy your company?
I feel like that all the time, even by my family I feel that way. I have always been seen as different, it was even something I classified myself as growing up. I never fitted in with anyone, I was always different from the others and so many said so. I had friends growing up here and there and had popular moments, but I was always considered unique or different to everyone. I guess I am. I am a mix of things instead of just being one specific thing, if that makes any sense at all. I have a very rounded personality that has a bit of everything. Sometimes I think it’s a curse because I have always felt alone in life. No one I can relate to and who can relate to me.
Lately I’ve been feeling more so this way, I am almost thirty and I have accomplished having children. That is about it and I don’t have what I always wanted since a young girl, which is to be happily married and a family with a man who loves me and I him. I know that takes it’s own time and I must be patient and let love find me instead of searching no matter how desperately I want it, it will only end in disaster if I search, I have proven that.
I just wish I had a friend, or someone, anyone I can just talk with and who really gets me and enjoys my company. My mother has been my best friend for years, but lately, well for awhile now she’s seemed different, like she’s not listening to me. I will talk to her and she will not respond to what I’m talking about at all, or change the subject as though what I have to say isn’t important, which is how I’ve always been treated so I should be used to it. I feel like I have never made her proud in life. I do long for that still, I have tried so hard to succeed at something, anything, but I never get there. I always fall short, but that doesn’t stop me from keep trying.
Today I sat around just thinking, do you ever have those days where you just do a soul searching day, where your just constantly in a dream, thinking to yourself about your life and what you really want and what you really feel and what really matters to you?
I want to be in love with someone who loves me the same if not more, I want to be successful at my writing. I want my mother to be proud of me and I want a friend who enjoys my company. I also would like to finally be heard by others, to know that my voice matters and that what I have to say is just as important.
I have never asked for much, not even in a relationships, maybe that’s my problem, who knows.
I just feel.. alone.
So today as I mentioned, I thought and I thought and then I took a long look at my children who are my most important, my loves, my world and it made me smile because they are the best thing in my life. Without them I don’t know how I would be able to get up every morning and keep going. They give me reason to smile, and to laugh and to enjoy life. They give me hope that it will get better and they give me strength for today and the days that fallow. Out of everything in my life, they were the one thing I got right. I wouldn’t change having them for the world.
Yes life has been hard growing up for me, I have had a bad childhood, and I know many will say that, but I have been through things a young child shouldn’t of had to and I wouldn’t wish my life and my experiences on anyone. I had it rough, but even though I did I still tell my self, some have it worse and I know some do. Anything worse then my life is pretty awful and my heart goes out to everyone like me and unlike me. I just want to be love in life. Who doesn’t. That is the one thing I’ve wanted through life and I can’t seem to get it, it’s always half loved, or tolerated. So many have told me they just tolerate me like I’m hard to love, or live with and then perfect strangers tell me I have so much empathy for others and compassion and I know I do. I cry when I see someone hurt, i feel others pain, I try so hard to cheer someone sad up, I can’t stand crowds because I am sensitive to everyones energy and emotions. So I just don’t understand others view on me. People I have talked with about it say it’s jealousy, but I think to myself… jealousy of what exactly, my life isn’t even close to perfect and either am I.
I try to be a better person then I was yesterday each day that goes by. I’m never going to be perfect, or a saint, I’m just like you.
I will never understand what separates me. Still to this day i don’t get it.
Jesus once told me, when I was going through a bad time as a teenage, I was being teased and picked on. A large classroom mocked me and made fun of me saying I was the messenger of God and that I was a witch because I could predict things, long story.. but I had a hard time and I used to see Jesus. He would visit me and I know many wont believe me, but each to their own. I asked him, why they make fun of me, and why people seem to hate me so much and he said in the kind understanding way that he does… “Mandie… dear, people will hold hate for what they do not understand.”
But what is there to understand about me?
I guess talking with spirits would be one of them, but I have met many others who can as well, they I do connect with and relate to.
Maybe that’s what people don’t like about me, maybe my spirituality shines through me and people just know I’m weird and don’t understand it. Maybe thats what this whole thing is about. Not jealousy or hatred or anything I’ve thought it was. But simply they are afraid of what they see, or feel, or think of me. Something they get when they look at me. I used to tell people, you will either love me, or you will hate me and I never fully understood why I said it until now. Maybe that is the reason. Who knows.
All I know is, it’s been a very lonely life, without Jesus growing up, I don’t think I would have been able to get through the bulling in school and in life.
Maybe one day people wont be so afraid of different and accept me, or maybe it’s just how it will always be and I will find one person who will and that’s all I ask for. Just one.