Is love ever really more than a single moment that passes slowly and then once it’s gone it seems like light years away from your grasp and your clawing the air like a lion swatting its prey trying to reach it, but the only thing in your reach is the tiny particles of dust that float by your nose and across your face.
I’ve been in love many times in my life and each time I watch the moment slip away and the person slowly become a person that they weren’t when they first held my hand and led me onto the floor for our first dance together.
Only it wasn’t a dance because no one dances any more because romance is just in movies and fairy tales and written in novels I collect in piles from the library each week in my small tiny arms, trying to soak up all the love and romance into my world that I can because I need it in my life and I want so desperately to feel it from the person I love the most. I want to be touched and loved and cared and romanced by my love for eternity and have them stare into my eyes like they were gazing into the stars of a beautiful night.
Is love really truly magical like it feels in the beginning and if you let the ride take you too fast will it crumble a part once the comfort sets in like it has?
I just want to know, to truly know that I am the only one and to feel like I am the person my love has been waiting for. Special and have him hold my hand and romance me into the future with his heart on his sleeve when he holds me in his arms as he holds me in his life, forever.
Or so I would hope.
Life isn’t a fairy tale though and prince charming don’t seem to exist, but my young heart dreams even though the reality tells me I’m stupid and hits me over the head with a watermelon, which I am highly allergic to, by the way.
So many thoughts swirl in my head and so many moments pass by while I wait for something magical to swirl around me and dance me back into his heart and have him look into my eyes like the first night and the second and the third and so on. Anything before this time when time didn’t stand still and it moved in motions like a dance. Like a romantic, heavenly dance and sent tingles down my spine and flutters in the depth of my core. I want to feel that again and I know the only way I can is when he looks at me that way and treats me how he used to and when he holds me, it’s like he’s holding me with his heart and his soul brushes the tiny strands of hair from my oval face. I want his love to rain over my body and his voice to sing a song to my heart. One that I can hear for ever and play over and over because it never stops singing and never stops moving us forward in a dance.
But… love isn’t like the movies I constantly rummage through like a teenage girl high on romance and wanting to feel that emotion that soars through my veins like superman with his red cape, saving my heart from destruction.
I love him and he loves me… at least I hope he does the way i do, but sometimes love has a mask and it’s hard to see what’s really the underlining of it. I have been a fool and it left me in a puddle that held me in like quick sand.
The problem is never the person who you love, it’s the reality that of,
“I need something and I am not getting it.”
I need love, understanding, fun, ROMANCE, security, comfort, laughter and acceptance. I need to know I have a best friend and that when I’m weak I don’t always have to be strong, because I have them.
There are moments when I have it and then they pass and everything falls back into the 90 % of the time section and my heart aches and I can’t tell anyone about it. I constant battle with my inner thoughts and feelings, fighting for something that teases me like a laser light on a wall does a cat whose desperate to catch it.
My only hope is that one day, my heart can rest and enjoy the dance of love and twirl in the arms of my true love and have the 90% of the time section filled with little sweet nothings and romantic gestures and adventures and moments of bliss. Even if it’s an evening lying in each others arms, just to lie there. Or bathing in a tub of bubbles that smother our bodies, just to be close to feel our skin to skin.
Eating strawberries and chocolate on a blanket surrounded in candlelight listening to music about love, just to enjoy the moment and stare into the eyes of eternity and feed from the hand of love.
Ride on the bars of a bicycle and feel the wind in my face and my back touching the hands of my love who steers me forward, while I scream in terror that he may crash and I’ll fall off and scrape my knee.
But I don’t care…
Love like this, shone like this is why girls cuddle together eating ice cream in their pajama’s in front of a tv, watching romantic movies.
Love like this, is what I live and breathe for