Hitting Rock Bottom Of Thorns

I stare in the mirror at my ragged reflection, my light dimming as I gaze into my eyes that once held so much life. I am fading fast and in this moment I see my soul caving and I am letting go. I am falling and there is no one to catch me. I have to hit rock bottom, to reach some form of ledge, but in order to, I have to sacrifice when I have already given up so much, but it is the price that has to be paid for me to get out of the hole I am in.

What does love mean to me?

Love means everything to me. I go above and beyond for love, but I try not to sacrifice everything for it the best I can because I know love isn’t about that.

So what has love been for me?

Love has been hell on wheels. I haven’t stopped moving and I have had to start over and from scratch. I’ve had to put my life on hold and I’ve had to have baby after baby for love and get abandoned and pushed around. Love means having to sacrifice security and things that make u feel grounded and safe. Love means letting go and trusting someone who isn’t going to be there. Love means loving someone who doesn’t love you back the same way. Love means hitting rock bottom and getting garbage bags thrown at your head. Love is shit if that is love, i don’t know what hate is. Because if this is love, then hate must be hell.

I wish love treated me kindly and met me half way, but it doesn’t.

Now love holds out a pen and asks me to sign and choose wisely. Which turn do I take? Endure more or start over and sacrifice what I have built again?

I am staring at my pathetic reflection and wondering what the hell did I do so damn wrong to deserve such hell from love. The only thing that has held me together is my beautiful babies. They are what real love is.

This… this is not what real love is.

My hands tremble as I gaze at my pathetic reflection of what is now.

I am broken inside and I think that’s what I will always be. I hope life finds a balance for me though because this… is not how I pictured my life.

One thought on “Hitting Rock Bottom Of Thorns

  1. I would think that your life and how you have defined love is; you pouring yourself into others. Your children are the greatest benefit of your brand of love.

    Your post saddens me because most of what I have seen of your life over the years has been mostly joy. I remember when you and your sister had so much fun. When you celebrated every step of your children’s birth and their growth. When your creative outlets, all of them, were a celebration of who you are. You have always been true to yourself and fearlessly yourself. For some, the enormity of your persona can become over time, too much. Still, do not stop being you.

    You will have the love you seek and have it reflected back to you in full – in time. It is a rare man who can let a wild horse stay a wild horse. Most are drawn to the wild and free nature but then stifle the freedom to reign in and capture the essence.

    Your love, due you will ride wild next to you.

    Men of this breed are not boys so you may have to wait for some time for the love you seek.

    Most likely, you will not find this love, it will find you.

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