Invisible Me

Sometimes life throws curve balls and you fall but you realize in the moment that you lay on the ground on your back with your arms and legs stretch out like an angel that you need to stop for a moment and think. You need to be patient for the next moment to come, because it doesn’t always align with the one happening.

Life takes flight and it rises and has curves and shakes and roars like thunder and blinks like lightning and we lay their still, for just a moment longer than we were meant to and we see the rise without ourselves and we realize that in a late moment we just learned everything we were meant to because we were patient. My life has always been rushed and I strived for it to go fast and for me to get older, hoping that with time, life will feel better with age, but it never really does. I know I have come a long way, and that I have learned many things I never want to let go of and I love who I am today, but I have lost a lot of who I am as well and I know that I can never get that back, because I don’t relate to that person anymore, because it wasn’t accepted and there for it wasn’t needed for today.

My emotions have always been stronger than anything and when I feel them, its like their on fire and I hold them back as much as I can and they are constantly ignored until someone presses them on and I roar. I don’t understand why being clear, doesn’t mean clear for others, because people still do what I tell them bothers me and still remain as they are and don’t rise above the miniscule things that would make me happy. I am not a person who asks for much from others, if I can do something I do it and I do it with joy. I do many things for others I even dislike because it brings me joy to help out and I wish that others did the same for me sometimes. Not all the time, but thought of me the same ways I do them. I am constantly struggling with this and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know why I can’t have what I put out, when that’s written everywhere, “That you will get what you put out,” only I don’t.

Little things that should be easy to do, don’t get done and I am left feeling sad and disappointed because I don’t know why I do so much all the time.

I don’t even really know my point in this blog, I guess I’m just feeling down and disappointed and like a particular someone doesn’t listen to me when I speak. I know what I say isn’t always that interesting but why do I listen when I don’t get listen to in return? It makes no sense to me. I will be talking and I repeat myself and repeat myself, meanwhile the other person is only saying things that don’t even relate to what I’m talking about, because they’re not listening to me, I don’t exist, all that exists is their own dialog and I feel so left out and unheard most of the time and I don’t know how to fix that and I know that aint for me to even fix because I’m the one listening all the time. I notice when anyone isn’t being listened to or acknowledged and I always make them feel as though they are when I see it happening. I know how it feels all too well. I was the second to youngest child of 7 children and I got completely ignored most of the time, so I know what its like. I’ve been the one people forget is in a classroom so I’m not even picked last, but set to be on a team and hear classmates mention how they didn’t even know who I was and that I was in their class room. I am invisible most of the time and maybe that’s the reason I go unheard, but when in a relationship, it just feels wrong. I was heard in other relationships, some I was heard too much, in negative ways, but I was still heard. It just makes me feel bad when I’m not. If I’m going to listen and give my undivided attention to someone, I should get the same back.

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