How to explain it into words.
It’s like I’m at the verge of drowning and I can’t get enough air. I can never catch up with life and I am always falling shy of it. even with the life saver that is thrown my way as a means to keep me alive, it is only for that purpose and none other. Not for the sake of my life meaning more than my survival.
My heart always exposed and my soul invisible, I am lost in time, I am floating through space and all there is, is residue of where I once was or was supposed to me.
I zone out in moments, for escape and have to float back to reality which is filled with stress and the drowning that causes me great sadness. The pulling and pushing feeling that causes me so much heart ache. I just want to breathe and be able to see the world, instead of in glimpses.
The train keeps chugging and I just want it to slow so I can get off of it for a bit and brush my hands against the wheat that grows tall in the valley, the sun beaming down on my skin. Feel like there is no worry or pain on my chest that causes me so much pain.
No shame, no ones game, no laughter at my weakness. No anger that causes me to curl in a ball of darkness that shelters my heart in silence.
I drift, but I never fly, I soak but I always drowned.
When will life fill me with feathers and let me float for awhile?
I want to dream without falling to my depth, my face filled of tears.
Men who cause me greif far from my side.
I want to lay in a land of roses, ones who build me up and give me breath. Ones that hold me true and keep me sturdy.
Not reminded of all my imperfections I always see when I glance at my reflection. Forget the mirror, I see without.
I want to be loved.
Empty and shaken and full of forgiveness that comes at a cost, for my resent is eating at me in skull and my heart is caving as you sit in cool.
I feel the anger beating at this shell, I feel saddened by the darkened clouds and I want to fly.
I want to shout, but no one hears.
At peace I lay in music that surrounds me and laughter fills my grace.
I am alone and by myself and it’s okay.
In this solitude i feel at ease.
There is no pointing and in this solitude I find myself.
Love is in the eyes of God, no matter if you believe or not.
He has been there, as he is now.