It has come to my attention that my moods are greatly affected by my seizures, even before I am having one I am on edge. Anything can set me off, either to cry or to become very angry.
Yesterday it was Canada day and I thought about taking the boys down to the festival because it was so nice out, but with the heat and exertion that comes with that made me change my mind. I had a feeling a seizure was coming so I wanted to stay close to home. I feel like a prisoner. I have to constantly change my plans because I’ll know one is approaching and I don’t want it to happen in public. I also don’t want to fall and get hurt when it happens.
My fiance Rick told me that he had forgotten to pay the Gas bill that I reminded him to pay all month… I became very angry and he said I was getting very angry and storming all over the house and telling him I was going to leave and started packing my suitcase. He tried to calm me and stop me and my vision went inward from the small memory I have of it and he said I collapsed onto a pile of books on the bedroom floor and started convulsing. I remember hearing him crying, but I couldn’t comfort him, or say anything. It’s like it was all a bad dream.
I knew that when I get seizures, sometimes I get paralysed in my body, mostly my legs. I was reading up on that sort of thing and I think it’s an atonic Seizure also known as a drop seizure. Which makes sense because I have a memory of walking home from school in the thick snow and all of a sudden I dropped to my knees without control and couldn’t move my legs for a half a minute or less which freaked me out. I finally got feeling back and wobbling made it home.
I know I have partial seizures from what I’ve read and possibly complex partial and now I think I have Atonic to. I’m not at all sure which ones I have, but can you even have more than one? I wont know till I get testing done, hopefully I get a call soon about the EEG but I have read a lot and just kind of try to match information up with everything to get an Idea how to avoid injury.
Last night I had a small one, but it came with a lot of Aura that lasted a very long time, at least that’s how it had seemed. I kept seeing lights flash by in the bedroom and sometimes I would open my eyes and think I was blind because it was all darkness and I had to keep looking around until I found the light of the door. I felt afraid as I usually feel with Aura.
I have absolutely no energy today, my energy and moods and life have been greatly effected by this condition and I am just now realizing how much they have effected my life for ever since I can remember and much more now. I wish I was normal. I wish I didn’t have to worry or stress about so much and feel so much all the time and not be able to control it. I wish the seizures would stop. Sometimes it’s really hard because I see how it affects those around me to, how hard it must be to deal with me. I really hope I can find a solution that will help my condition and make life a little easier, not just for myself but for everyone effected by it.