How did life go so wrong?
Unraveling like a ball of yarn that I didn’t see coming, yet I look back at the beginning where it has continued to fray at all the signs that said stop going.
I could have avoided so much had I known what I know now. I could have made a more pleasant, better to handle life for myself, yet I am where I am and my heart is aching so much that I feel like I am drowning. Maybe I want to drown.
“Will it be over if I drown.”
Some days are much harder than others and the more of them that come the more painful it feels. I can’t think of one thing that’s going great for me right now. I feel raw and torn open like I’m laying on an operating table waiting to be dissected and probed with foreign objects.
I know getting down on myself isn’t going to help me and it makes me unpleasant to be around. I know that feelings aren’t a light switch and I have to heave through this and just bite my lip and make it to the end of the obstacles swirling around me like I’m inside of a tornado and I know that I have probably been through much worse in life and have forgotten all about it.
I think what hurts the most, is that I don’t really like myself, I wish I was so many things more than I am. “But I’m just not.”
I wish I was a better mother, I had children young and made a lot of mistakes. I find it so hard sometimes being a mom of special needs children and didn’t see it coming when I was trying for a child. Who realizes that the child and the next to follow would all be passed my genes which cause them to have delays in so many aspects. I feel bad that I didn’t know that and finding out that I have a condition which I already knew I had one growing up but it was passed off as nothing and when I did awful in school and I felt like I just couldn’t get simple things I was passed by as a troubled child who was quiet and shy.
I feel like life threw me into it without warning and without thinking about whether or not it was too much for me to bare.
I’m probably just in a mood and feeling down because as I read it can happen when you have a seizure condition. Sometimes I don’t believe I have one and then one happens and I am shocked all over again. I know it hasn’t been diagnosed but it’s happening to me.
You throw that in with the struggles of raising children to struggles with raising special needs kids, with struggles in relationships ups and downs and having to keep it all together. Struggles with wondering what I want to do in life and when I can even act on it because of the many challenges.
I am a mess right now. I know that sounds quite depressing.
I’m sure one day I will look back and say, “I made it through all that.” with a smile. “It’s just not that kind of day for me, today.”
Do you ever feel like that?