A Great Loss

I woke feeling better this morning. It’s one of my good days and I am thankful when they come and I try and make the most of them, even though they still leave me tired most of the day. I am not foggy feeling and life isn’t a dream. I can think a little better and concentrate on things that are impossible to unlike my bad days.
“People want to know ‘what’s new’ in my world.”
A lot has changed in my life and for the most part it was a drastic change. One I didn’t see coming and it took me off guard in the worst of ways and I am still trying to move forward from it.
Let me begin with the week prior to August 10th 2014 of this year. I felt something coming and it was dark and cold, so much so that I thought that I was convinced my last days were coming. It was so close and the darkness was death and I felt it’s breath breathing down my neck. I couldn’t shake it and I tried my hardest to ignore it.
I had been going through some struggles in my realationship and with my health and pinned it as being because of that. I pushed the feeling back, but I couldn’t shake it.
There were a lot of family gatherings happening where all my siblings gathered with family and I thought, this never happens and I knew intuitivly that it was because it was a last time, but I wasn’t sure if it was for me. I didn’t like to think about losing anyone so it was easier to believe that.
I was at the last gathering with family and I felt lonely and was dealing with a lot of thoughts and feelings that came with my new condition that was now identified and diagnosed. I remember sitting outside and looking around at my family members, my sister brought her fiance she met a month prior that I hadn’t met and her son Tyler was there. He sat on my right in the chair next to me. He was always quiet and polite. He reminded me of myself, quiet but a lot going on inside that no body knew about. I could relate to him I felt and I felt pulled to him that day. I confessed to him that I always felt ignored at gatherings, like im some how invisible and he spent the gathering next to me. He was selfless.
I had a drink or two and made him laugh, I liked hearing him laugh, it always felt like he hadn’t really laughed much and needed it, but it also felt like it did nothing about his inner sadness I could also feel.
This would be the last time I saw him, I don’t even remember hugging him goodbye.
It was the morning of the 10th and I felt so odd, but again I shook it off. I was on my computer checking facebook and youtube as I always had done.
I noticed there was a post from my sister about Tyler not coming home the night prior and a knot was in my throat, I stayed positive as usual, convincing myself that it was nothing bad, he was just out with his friends. It wasn’t at all like him though.
I gave a call to my mom and asked her what was going on and she mentioned her and my step dad were headed to my sisters to file a missing person report. Now it was more serious and again I tried to stay positive. I listened to some music while drawing. Another hour passed by and then my step dad called and his voice was different than usual. He began telling me that they found Tyler. I said where was he and he began to tell me that he’s gone. All I heard was he’s gone, which I played in my head on repeat for about five times and I asked what he was saying. He said he’s gone, Tyler died. I then began saying, “oh my god” “What… what, no… he’s dead… what.” For about five minutes I did this. I couldn’t process it, it was like I was a record stuck on repeat and my mind kept getting caught and repeating itself and my whole body was going numb and my heart felt like it was going to break into peices and then I think it did. Rick came to me and took the phone from me and asked what was going on and all I could say was. “Tyler’s gone, he’s gone… oh my god he’s gone.”
He tried to stand me up but I couldn’t walk, I cried but no sound came out. He brought me to the couch to sit down and I cried harder and felt like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, my eyes were so fogged up and it was as though I was underwater. My body wasn’t with me anymore, I felt like I was out of it and pinned to the floor in mud.
I1391594_10152066032922317_187496064_n modified I can’t tell you what it’s like to lose someone you love, I can’t even describe to you the healing process that goes with it. All I can say is that it’s hard and it doesn’t get easier but I can go about my life without constantly crying now, but the mention of him, like now, a picture of him. I am in tears. I miss him and death means never coming back, never walking through the door, never seeing him light up, never hearing him laugh. Death means no more hugs and never the chance to tell him how much I cared about him.
I see him sometimes, but that could easily be cast as my seisures, I feel him. He’s everywhere, he’s in everything and Im thankful for that even though it brings me so many tears.
For his furneral I was asked to put together a slide show of him, I was honered to do so and I cried the whole time while making it. I loved Tyler very much and always will, he was a great kid. I was so blessed to have been able to know and be his aunty. I remember I used to care for him growing up and I remember he said he remembered that. I feel like he brought so much love and life to this world and I still feel like he’s doing that, but healing takes time I guess.
I lost my grandpa last year but I hadn’t known him too well growing up, I don’t remember feeling like this. I didn’t understand loss and I thought I did. I even miscarried before and I thought I knew loss and understood. I didn’t… not at all. Now I do and I wish that I didn’t.
“How am I doing?”
I’m not really sure yet, I guess I am still taking it one day at a time and maybe one day I will get back to being me, who ever that is because at this point I don’t know who I was or am because all of my life my seisures have effected everything about me, even my moods.
Now with a great loss to my world and a relationship break down and my epilepsy and everything else in life that is struggling to me, day by day is the only way forward.
This is a start, writing… filming some…
“Maybe.. it will help find me again.”
Or maybe I will discover who I really am.

2 thoughts on “A Great Loss

  1. Thanks for explaining a bit about what happened. I knew it was Tyler. I knew, of course, you had been pretty close to him cause you had been his care taker when he was younger. I’m sorry for your loss and hope the pain (waves) grow far apart and that you know he is in a good place.

    Just my aged opinion of course, but I don’t think you will find the you that was you. It seems we are always evolving, changing from one thing to another. We see the process but have little if any control over where it will go. Most of the time we don’t even know whats happening until afterwards. A little over a decade ago you were a newly wed and saw the world completely different. As a new mom you were consumed with the things a new mom has thrown at her in that role. You were still learning the roll of wife too. At that moment, you might not have even seen that you were learning those things. I think we tend to think we know it all and are not learning how to be cause we already know how to be. Then later we realize we didn’t know as much as we thought we did.
    I think death is one of the cruelest lessons of life. It can also be the hardest to learn I think. I lost my grandmother and was sad about it. Years later when I lost my father I was profoundly hurt. Still later I lost my mother and that was crushing. It continues to hurt years later. The way I found to explain the emotion is that it comes in waves. When my mom had just died I would cycle between being normal to a basket case curled up on the sofa crying. Those waves, at first were close together. With time they got further and further apart. They have never complete stopped though. They seem to be like ripples in a tub. At first they radiate from one spot in the tub. With time the ripples hit the sides of the tub and bounce back toward the spot they came from. It looks rather pretty when you see it on still water. But, when the ripples are my emotions it means that I get hit with those ripples from unknown directions. You can’t always control where the emotion comes from so it might come from seeing someone else having fun with a child or a mother doing something for her kid or a brother helping a sister. You just never can control it or avoid it.
    Not much I can say beyond that. It is a part of life. It is a part of life we have no control over. There is a lot of things in life we have no control over. There is a lot we do have control over though. Just enough perhaps to keep us from going completely crazy.

  2. We know who you are. A very special and unique person that brings us joy. You may not see Tyler coming through a door again, but you with your spirituality knows we will be step through his door and see him someday on Gods time

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