I have been very emotional for that past few days, I don’t know whether it’s because I don’t get very good sleep because my son Niki who was diagnosed with Autism in August doesn’t sleep during the night. Or if it’s still from the deep sadness I have from losing a loved one. Or maybe it’s the, sadness of the ache of a recent break up, or perhaps it’s my medication, or the mixture of everything together.
I feel like things are slowly getting better, but at a very slow pace that is unrecognizable some days, especially when my whole day is filled with Partial seizures and complex ones. It’s hard to really say where my cries resonate. However after a some what okay sleep last night and a very spiritual dream I awoke better. I feel a lot better today and I have had possibly one or two Partials today, a part from the 100’s I seemed to be having every day prior.
I even remember waking this morning feeling good and when I glanced at my reflection I had to do a double take because I didn’t recognize my own face. I looked natural and sweet. I looked rested and kind, I saw a tint of the part of me I hadn’t seen very often. The part that was left un-touched that was happy and fun. I even spent the day singing and dancing around with my boys and jumping on the bed with them, while blowing bubbles.
It was a nice day.
I know my epilepsy is still there and I still feel the partials come and go, but they are fewer today and that tells me that maybe it’s getting better. Better in a sense of being under control. Until they are I am looking at a trip to my doctors every 2 weeks until they are and adjustments in my medication.
I have to stay positive though and I know I have to try and look at the good things around me because the bad things have smothered me and held me down so long that it’s easy to stay in the mud and sink than it is to climb towards the grass and rest under the big old maple and take a nice long breath and be thankful. It’s hard to do, which is even hard for me to admit sometimes.
I have had many changes within the last few years, but I think the major ones that have greatly affected me were the recent ones.
Taking a chance on a relationship and struggling through the ups and downs, finding reasons to stay when I knew I needed to get out because it wasn’t going to work. At least not at this time. I couldn’t keep sacrificing myself.
At the moment, the last string holding me together I received the news about Tyler and I crumbled and I didn’t just crumble in the loss, I crumbled in the stress from my relationship, from ex’s and court dates, from autism appointments and doctors. I crumbled from family disputes and self failures and I crumbled from my own health problems that had been escalating. I fell into blackness and nothing kept the tears back after that, I still cry in thought of it. I’m teary eye’d thinking back on it.
I was supposed to get married, I was supposed to be happy and God wasn’t suppose to take Tyler, but he had. I saw life differently, even though I saw the reality and felt the great pain of darkness. I wished I couldn’t hide away. Sometimes I did.
Sometimes I still do, I turn off my phone or ignore it and just block the world out.
I don’t know where life goes from here, frankly I am terrified of it. I am terrified of another loss because I can’t take it. I am terrified of if I’m strong enough to endure anything else God has in store.
I am already in mourning and living alone with two boys, one with autism who doesn’t sleep or communicate. Myself with epilepsy, appointments after appointments. Court, doctors. Bills. Fear of being alone during the night.
But, little by little God gives me a sign. A little crumb that shows me he’s still here and it’s really hard right now and has been really hard but I can do this. I can take on life and grab it by the horns and be the leading lady of my life. I can bath in the sun because I’m worth it and I deserve it and each day I try to remember this, I try to remember what each crumb means. I try to remember his words to me he spoke months back, “Hold on just a little bit longer.”
I am holding on
I have so much faith now, but I don’t need to talk much about it, because it’s a silent kind. One I cannot explain.
I cry because I hurt, but I also cry because of the beauties in life
Deep inside of curls of red, my purple speaks through sounds I’ve shed
These cries I tear make tall like trees, they fall but grow real strong when fed
Nurture by nature in sun they will bath, the rain of Gods tears will wash through my days
like gifts from the heavens they pour down in buckets to share
I smile in forgiveness and hold out my hands and take in the passion of love in it self
Beauty is in my heart, love is in my hands and in my lips and in my eyes it is strong
I pour out my emotions and give them to God with no doubts
He is listening, for these tears aren’t self fed
They come from my center and hold like the rain
I call to the heavens and send out my prayers
I give thanks to those who have always been there and I send love to those who I’ve lost along the way
In God I move forward
Don’t be afraid to cry and lay down all your inner feelings, the truest ones, the ones that no ones hear, the ones without a meaning, or purpose to speak, the ones that weren’t meant for anyone ears.
Because the truth may be ugly but there is an innocent beauty in the center of every fold you lay forward and uncover
There is beauty in all of us and moving forward isn’t about stopping or letting go, or getting over something or giving up, it’s about taking everything, all the struggles and things that held you down and made you feel negative and pouring it out into a cry. A cry that no one hears because you don’t need them to, it’s not a cry for ears, or a cry to release.
It’s just a cry
A cry of realization but without self destruction in foul thoughts that hurt your spirit.
A cleanse from the core
I hope tomorrow… no “I know tomorrow will be a little better than today.”