Fortress Of Solitude

The shower has become my Fortress of Solitude.

I feel like the world is spinning faster and faster and I’m standing still. Months back I felt as though things were finally falling into place for me. It was a long time coming, then all of a sudden it got hit with an iceberg and sent my pieces flying into the universe. Scattered and trying to find them again I stand here with nothing but the water raining down upon me from above, trying to wash away the sadness that lingers with me.

Somewhere along the line, Life decided that I wasn’t good enough.

I’m not sure where I’m heading, but I hope that it is in a direction for the better because my life keeps hitting me with curve balls and nothing gets easier and I feel like there is no one around me who has a hand on my shoulder telling me it’ll all work out. Instead I get negatives and the world is spinning so fast and time is ticking so quickly and at a time I could slow the hands down, but now it’s out of reach and I’m standing still. Frozen in it’s quick motion. At some point I know the tornado of doom is going to throw me out and I’ll land somewhere and hope to heaven that it’s in a meadow of roses and baby’s breath and blessings of rain good fortune falling upon me.

I have dedicated my energy to helping others for so long no matter the lack of receiving it back. I’ve put myself out there in many ways, doing what I love and fighting for what I want in life only to graze the service of grasping it. I can’t seem to get there.

Will the heavens ever see me, I feel like maybe I did something to cause my life to unfold into a broken flower. Sadness envolopes me and I understand the need to escape it all, but I fight to stay standing. I stand in the shower of solitude and let the sadness sink down the drain and wash away my doom. I yearn for the rays of sunshine to warm me, but stand in cold frozen in a world I can’t seem to fit into. Almost like I am here, but wasn’t meant to come.

A mistake, a broken flower that was once whole and full of life. Slowly I gave away my light to others to help their sun shine bright upon them and lost my own in the process.

Perhaps we are only given so much light.

Will the waves ever stop crashing against me and knocking me back from where I aim to go?

If only there were answers to my questions, I long for knowledge of life, of the earth of the beauty that is beyond what the eye takes in. The energy that vibrates through us and all around us pushing and pulling us like magnets.

Where am I going and will it ever stop spinning. “I wish to get out of this storm”

I want to bask in the sun for a bit and rest my heart. I want to open my world up to possibility and shine like a star.

Twinkle in the darkness.

I keep going… but to what… I do not know. “If only I could peek around the corner.”


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