Being with someone who finds peace away from you, is like being alone.
I’ve had my fair share of this in life, I used to believe, or convince myself that it was I who caused this, but I now realize it is something in them that was lost a long the way. They drift a part. I give them what they need and they move on to find peace, now that they are ready.
I long for someone who finds peace with me, as I with them. Who embraces the magic we share together. The bond, the connection. Doesn’t take it for granted. Doesn’t push me away once they can feel what they wanted to.
I am not a pillow to be used and thrown away when the feathers can’t be fluffed anymore, when the pillow is content and happy. When it’s smell now lives in it and can never be undone. Time and time again I’ve been left behind and forgotten. Only when they let it go they want it back and I am standing there in a crumble of feathers asking the same question. “Why, when all you wanted was here.” Why does it take leaving to want it.
I am a lone wolf who has been left behind.
I fly in beauty and give the magic of love to those in need of sunshine and the healer always gets left behind.
Fair? no.. it is a lesson I must learn.
It has taught me to count on myself, to comfort myself, to believe in myself. To give love to myself because there isn’t anyone who will give it to me. And this is fine. I have accepted though I do not like it. Though I do not believe it is kind or peaceful.
Today I am left alone again, and today I realize that this is how it was meant to be. Yes only I can change it. I can change how I view it and how I feel about it, but never forget that I cannot change how someone feels, or finds peace. How someone drifts away and doesn’t need me. Who loses sight. I cannot change many things that are not controllable. I can only change me. My view, my take on it all and that is what troubles me so. For all that is left is me.
A lonely flower in a lonely meadow, who stands alone in the rain. Who basks in the sunlight that always warms my sorrows. The love of the universe. Yes it is my dearest friend and ally. It is in the universe I find my peace. For with anyone, there is no peace, only pain. For with anyone there is no one. For I am the flower in that meadow, resting in the soil, bathing in the rain and basking in the sunlight that continues to warm me and grow me into who I am today.
But still… I am alone.
Still I am here