It’s one of those days again when I feel so sad inside. Like a tornado twisting my insides and I feel as though this thing called life forgot about me.
I’ve walked a heavy life and it always feels like I’m carrying a bolder on my shoulders trying to make it through a night. I’ve met some good people here and there, but mostly just speaking in my private life I have met too few to mention.
I always felt so invisible and still do, like I am an outcast and everything that I’ve ever wanted has always been a fingertip away from reach and I just can’t break the threaded pattern that keeps fraying my strand.
I don’t think anyone in my life truly gets it or realizes just how hard life has been on me and just how much I have had to endure. I walk around with a smile and try to be positive and the moment I’m not and need someone no one is there to lend me a hand or be a shoulder for me to cry on as I was for them. I feel like everyone is out for each other and many get left behind. We are the forgotten ones of the world, the ones that love hard and give much and never get a light but still keep shining on everyone around us no matter how much they hurt or forget us.
You see sometimes I sit alone, well mostly I sit alone… because I choose to and because it’s really what I’m so used to because there is no one around.
I love sitting on my balcony at night and I look up at the stars and I talk to the heavens that feels so close in my memories which makes no sense to anyone. I wish sometimes that I lived in a fairy tale. A life full of love and support and people who love back and give much. I wish I lived in a world that had a happily ever after and mostly I wish I could know and experience what it felt like to truly have such love.
I get so angry sometimes, but really for me my anger is just a cry turned inside out, trying to battle the day so that I don’t break down and cry. I go silent and I go still and I just drown in my mind. No thoughts, no words, only feelings that swirl around and memories that I try to understand the reasons for.
I am grateful of my many lessons, and so many I have had are very much the same and the thing it teaches me feels so cruel.
You see… for me life has taught me that you never get what you need or want and only what it or others are willing to give.
It teaches me that when you give your heart it’s always going to break you in half and let you down no matter how much hope and love and positivity you hold.
I am a survivor of so much, life has taught me that. It is a good thing… at least that one it, but it also feels like I shouldn’t have had to learn it so much ever year of my life, through every experience. There is always a great moment but it remains temporary and most of what has happened to me was the cause of someone else. At their hands, their words, their actions, but not always.
I know this sounds depressing and maybe it is, but I’m a tough cookie with a tiny bit of crumble. I just don’t see how this world could forget the good and forget the love. I don’t see why I’ve had to face so much and it just keeps going. The same pattern, getting a glimpse and never getting the whole. I don’t understand what I have done so wrong.
I know life doesn’t pan out how we want I know this… people preach this crap to me all the time, but they don’t really know anything about my journey and when I share it they throw it back at me and tell me, “Suck it up princess” Exact words. Mind you these are always men I’m with who say it who don’t seem to want to be bothered by my feelings unless it’s positive but no one is happy all the time especially with a journey like mine.
I feel like I’m not allowed a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand, that I’m strong enough to face it all alone all the time because I do it so well which has also been said to me. What they don’t understand is I shouldn’t have to, because I believe no one should, everyone needs someone.
If this world was more kind… more loving, more respectful, more encouraging, more compassionate…. If….
If you could show me a little bit of sunshine in my rainy clouds and let me know I’m not alone here…