Green Freedom

It was a sunken ship that had no use, it was torn beyond fixing and bruised at its hips. Love is a wonderful thing, if given to and received and the kind of love it is makes a difference, no matter what it is.

Inside It kept on pounding until it came to an end and the crash left my heart exposed, but my hands, well… they sheltered it during a cold storm. My heart is held in hands of steal and a heart sewn on sleeve. It rests with a kind soul, who sees beyond the windows and holds beyond all hope.

Mountains rest and birds they fly and the wise old owl whoos into the day, though its way past its hours. The land sleeps and the sun beams and it lights up all the country where I stand in bare feet, a long time since Ive done that.

Sounds surround me and music blares and the feeling of peace plays soundly in my ears that now rest at the tips of a table and on hip of a candle flickering flame.

My tongue it tastes the sweet scent of flowers and the taste of plums and berries dance inside my gown.

I rise and I go forward, but I never fall down and obstacles still do chase me, but my love, he keeps them small. I feel grounded and can do the impossible and finally reach all my dreams, because this magical green beauty is all that I need to be free.

A Runner

I started this life running…

I wanted to escape and flee away from the torment that surrounded me and caused so many negative thoughts to enter my mind. I couldn’t control it and it made me feel helpless. I was a child after all, I needed someone to look out for me and when there was no one that could give me what I truly needed I separated myself from the world.

I know I am blessed in many ways because of this but in a lot of ways it caused me to stay in survival mode even after everything was good, but I couldn’t see it. I had too much pain and struggle that life threw me into as a helpless child that I stopped standing still and chose to stay in flight mode.

I closed off from the people around me and I trusted in only myself because to me I could always count on myself to make it happen and I did. I overcame so much and yes many helped along the way but I was so blind I couldn’t see it, or even appreciate it and deep down I never felt like I truly deserved it. It was not something I was used to.

I look back on my life now and I stopped running. Some where a long the way I said, “NO MORE!” and I stopped pleasing and stopped searching and stopped giving my heart away to just anyone and trusted in myself and the universe to guide me.

I stand now, still. So peaceful.

As a child I used to ask the angels for peace and quiet, it was always so loud, so much fighting, so much anger and so much abuse followed me. Not to mention when my seizures began and went unnoticed for many years I needed peace so badly and now.  After I made the decision to slow down and let the pieces fall into place and stopped trying to control the situation in fear of being hurt or mistreated I have received what I needed. I have peace and I have hope and I have the time I need to heal and I embrace it. Yes every day will always be special to me because with my condition any day could be my last but I view it differently now.

Tomorrow may not be promised but today is and I will make it count. Every moment because I have achieved so much that I wanted to, despite what others said I never would, I went above and beyond it and continue to grow and learn.

This is a gift. This is a blessing and I am going to enjoy this new found meaning and this new out look on life and with it I will help others. With it I will inspire others to embrace their life, their strength and stop running from what isn’t chasing you. Once you realise nothing is behind you, you will find yourself in a clearing and just look at that view. Take it in.

There are great things in the rise I believe and this is just the beginning because you know what.

“There is so much more I want to achieve and experience.”

I may not be a runner anymore… but I am a flyer.

Watching from above like an eagle and taking in everything.

Stop running ūüôā

He doesn’t know ?

So after 3 years in a relationship I find out that he doesn’t know if he wants to be a parent for the rest of his life. All I can do is fall inside because that’s 3 years of our lives spent and now I’m in limbo wondering why that is and I’m looking at him like “WHAT” because he has his own kid, mind you he only see’s him ever other weekend but still. Once a parent, always one.

Then he joins my family with my little boys and I wonder why everything is a mess and he keeps pushing me away and then the truth comes out and I don’t know how to react or respond to that.

There will never be commitment, he doesn’t believe in marriage, he has no clue if he wants us all, just knows he wants me, but doesn’t show it very well. Sigh

Why do I always fall in love with the wrong men for me. ūüė¶

Feeling really down these days


Walmart Showed Bad Service

So yesterday me, Jesse and the boys went to Walmart for our groceries. It is a great store and we buy everything there.
Yesterday was a bad experience for us.
Okay so we gather our groceries and we go to the self checkout because I find it faster and I hate waiting in big lines. I think it’s great that they have that option.
After scanning all our groceries I slip my bank card in which says it couldn’t read it. I wipe my card off thinking it’s the chip or something even though I just went to my bank and used it before going there. I try again and again, it says the same thing.
Here I am thinking it’s my card now, even though it’s unbelievable. So we go back to the screen and Jesse selects pay in cash and he slips in his hundred dollar bill he had and it accepts it but…. here’s the kicker. It doesn’t say that we paid, doesn’t give us a receipt and also doesn’t give him any change back. The total was 80.79 and he put in a 100. Okay so now we are pissed. We ask for help and the guy comes over and not only says we can’t take the groceries we paid for but tells us to fill out a form and they will call us when it’s sorted.
Okay so I step in and I ask to speak to a manager or someone to help us because there’s no way we are leaving without groceries or this sorted out. We are sent to customer service now where I explain the situation again. They try and tell us the same thing and I say..
“Look. I don’t think your understanding me… We need these groceries and we paid for them so something has to happen here.” Okay so after them making phone calls and checking the machine and scanning our groceries again the store finally pays for our groceries and gives us the change back. The groceries we already paid for but got accused otherwise. And we leave with our receipt and change. But seriously, we are loyal customers and they tried to scam us? Implied we weren’t honest which is insulting. Not good. I am very disappointed in the first guy we spoke to who was unkind and rude. Glad it’s all sorted now.

Who Am I?

A question we all keep asking….

But why do we ask? Why does the question come to us, no matter how much we find of ourselves?

From the beginning there was something always beyond us, something felt in the depths of ourselves pulling us. It’s like we are drowning, but as we lose our sacred breath through exhale, we take in the water. It fills us and we fall, but where do we fall. Or… what do we fall into?

There is always more beyond everything and it can change and shift and change color in the blink of an eye.

You see it isn’t that we are drowning at all, we are waking up.

It can be shaken by anything… A thought, a moment, a meeting, a smell. Something of little importance is something most important.

As our world grew as did our minds. We are becoming awake and not afraid to speak it out, To call it by name, to truly see again. Something we all forgot, not by any reason of our own, but for the reason of who you are now and always.

So who am I?

Well let me see… “I know my qualities in what makes me who I am and what has shaped me into.

So let me start there,

Well… I was a shy one and have sensitivities to the world. I believe in the magic in the world that goes beyond what is there. I love to see happiness and acts of kindness because I am kind to others. I have strong opinions and what I believe in and what I respect I am very loyal to. I am a woman of my word and one of honor. I will stand by it no matter what. Always do what is right and never let anyone take control over you, especially if their heart is not pure in asking.

I am brave when I need to be, but otherwise just a bystander, a shoulder to cry on, a friend. But I like to be in the shadows, keep to my own, trust few. I believe in quality not quantity.

When I love, I fall hard and I trust them with my secrets, my thoughts and my dreams, but mostly with my fear and my battles I have endured and survived as warriors do.

Okay… so those are my qualities, things that make me WHO I AM, but still with all that… Who AM I?

Well… I am everything, I am all… I am happening….

You are everything, you are all and you are happening…

We may have been drowning and in a deep sleep but this world is shifting and with it a new stage has been created and waking us up from our sleep.

From the numbness.

From the Why.

We are happening…

So forget who you are and just BE!





I am drinking a bottle of diet coke that says “WEEKEND WARRIORS” pretty awesome. “thank you, thank you Coke.” I am a weekend warrior

haha it has a play button on it. wonder if anyone will be tempted to click the picture thinking it’s a video lol though here’s an idea because my brain just does that everyone too often. But speaking about buttons. Imagine if the play button on the bottle actually played a song. lol even a short song, that would be something.



Woman & Man Water & Land

Woman, the beauty and the sensitive

As men are the earth, woman are the water that nurtures and surrounds your world. A fresh drink of water from the earth. Men are the protectors as woman are the bearers and as nature is to nurture, they are all same.

Though change and challenge change things, they grow to who they’ve been and yet their spirits lead them, earth still grounds their steps.

Inside they hold the answers, some to sacred to shed, they bear their colors boldly, earth pines after them.

The heartbeat of creation, as Earth it shields their wind, for rain that cries in rivers, tares through open wounds. Earth it light’s their waters, shadows on their skin. It seeks to keep the toxins, out from their fair skin. Chocolate means the sweetness has left it’s print of pride and love it travels deeply, when ever sugar’s met.

The water of the healing, as earth does need a friend. A man to woman is only lonely, when one to one has left.

Know your nature solely and respect water and land, for they bind us together, in this world of sacred sin.

I need a little sunshine

It’s one of those days again when I feel so sad inside. Like a tornado twisting my insides and I feel as though this thing called life forgot about me.

I’ve walked a heavy life and it always feels like I’m carrying a bolder on my shoulders trying to make it through a night. I’ve met some good people here and there, but mostly just speaking in my private life I have met too few to mention.

I always felt so invisible and still do, like I am an outcast and everything that I’ve ever wanted has always been a fingertip away from reach and I just can’t break the threaded pattern that keeps fraying my strand.

I don’t think anyone in my life truly gets it or realizes just how hard life has been on me and just how much I have had to endure. I walk around with a smile and try to be positive and the moment I’m not and need someone no one is there to lend me a hand or be a shoulder for me to cry on as I was for them. I feel like everyone is out for each other and many get left behind. We are the forgotten ones of the world, the ones that love hard and give much and never get a light but still keep shining on everyone around us no matter how much they hurt or forget us.

You see sometimes I sit alone, well mostly I sit alone… because I choose to and because it’s really what I’m so used to because there is no one around.

I love sitting on my balcony at night and I look up at the stars and I talk to the heavens that feels so close in my memories which makes no sense to anyone. I wish sometimes that I lived in a fairy tale. A life full of love and support and people who love back and give much. I wish I lived in a world that had a happily ever after and mostly I wish I could know and experience what it felt like to truly have such love.

I get so angry sometimes, but really for me my anger is just a cry turned inside out, trying to battle the day so that I don’t break down and cry. I go silent and I go still and I just drown in my mind. No thoughts, no words, only feelings that swirl around and memories that I try to understand the reasons for.

I am grateful of my many lessons, and so many I have had are very much the same and the thing it teaches me feels so cruel.

You see… for me life has taught me that you never get what you need or want and only what it or others are willing to give.

It teaches me that when you give your heart it’s always going to break you in half and let you down no matter how much hope and love and positivity you hold.

I am a survivor of so much, life has taught me that. It is a good thing… at least that one it, but it also feels like I shouldn’t have had to learn it so much ever year of my life, through every experience. There is always a great moment but it remains temporary and most of what has happened to me was the cause of someone else. At their hands, their words, their actions, but not always.

I know this sounds depressing and maybe it is, but I’m a tough cookie with a tiny bit of crumble. I just don’t see how this world could forget the good and forget the love. I don’t see why I’ve had to face so much and it just keeps going. The same pattern, getting a glimpse and never getting the whole. I don’t understand what I have done so wrong.

I know life doesn’t pan out how we want I know this… people preach this crap to me all the time, but they don’t really know anything about my journey and when I share it they throw it back at me and tell me, “Suck it up princess” Exact words. Mind you these are always men I’m with who say it who don’t seem to want to be bothered by my feelings unless it’s positive but no one is happy all the time especially with a journey like mine.

I feel like I’m not allowed¬†a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand, that I’m strong enough to face it all alone all the time because I do it so well which has also been said to me.¬†What they don’t understand is I shouldn’t have to, because I believe no one should, everyone needs someone.

If this world was more kind… more loving, more respectful, more encouraging, more compassionate…. If….

If you could show me a little bit of sunshine in my rainy clouds and let me know I’m not alone here…





Indigo’s Here Say I

This world has been an incredible learning process, there is something to learn from quite an unusual formed world such as earth.

Yes I realise I sound kind of alien saying that, like I’m some visitor from another planet and for many of us that seems to be the case. :p Am I joking though?

I’ll let you decide that one…

You see as a young girl I knew the magic of the world, it was always something that came natural to me. The ability to see beyond what is and ask for guidance from the spiritual whelm… It was just something I knew inside that came naturally that many of us are just now staring to discover as the world ages towards a new era. Yeah I know… blah blah blah…

There is so much mystery in this world that the spiritual whelm cannot teach, but as I grow older I realize so much more and my perception keep growing stronger and stronger. I’m sure you have felt it unraveling for awhile now, or perhaps not. Depends on your openness to the in-explained because as you know life is full of surprises like that.

I lived in a world through my own eyes filled of¬†chaos and cruelty and it is something I have had to grow from, but not without discovering parts of myself that I have forgotten in this world. I am used to the magic that can’t be explained of seen. I am used to the abilities that I once found so easy in a world without matter. In a spiritual whelm of the fourth dimension that many have not even wrapped their pretty little heads around to leave the openness of discovery.

There is an evil in this whelm and it has always left me feeling alone and filled with sadness especially the lack of magic that I have because of it.

The knowledge I have gained through the experiences I have had to face has only made me more aware of it, but not in the same ways I knew of it. In a whole¬†other way. I know this all sounds like mumble jumble and perhaps it is, this is just my story and mine alone. It isn’t like I’m some well known guru teaching lessons of the world. :p

I only know what I know and I only can speak what I have the knowledge to form into words.

Life throws swords at you if your different like myself and those swords aren’t anything what you think they are. Their purpose is for strengthening you and guidance. The experience teaches you something about yourself, something you would have learned far later, but in this fast rising world of chaos it is needed to learn fast and efficiently in order to get things done and put into place for the right time. If you get my drift.

I might add I am drinking writing this, but I had an explosion inside of my brain and the fires of creativity have rose and I must write this now before the memory fades. I may talk in circles a bit so please be patient. My point I’m getting at though is this.

There are going to be times you want to give up because of the obstacles and battles you have to face.

There are going to be times when you feel like you are an outcast and no one understands you.

There are going to be times you want to give up on things and people you love because they just don’t get it.

Where you wish you were different, but know this Indigo children, that we are not here to fuss about all this, it is an on going process. it is shaping us and opening us up, our third eye our look into the fourth dimension that is linking up with the third and we need to be at our best to help other move forward.

Okay that’s all I can discuss for now.

Do not let the world make you who you are, trust in yourself and your abilities and stay aware. It is apparent that you keep your senses open for the signs placed for you in order to reach full awareness.

To my Indigo Friends out there.

Old Eyes See You!








What Relationships Have Taught Me

The first feelings of compassion, love, sweetness, moments of bliss will fade into lack there of.

Who you are that you were loved for will fade into a negative.

Everything you are is wrong and names will title you.

Treating you with disrespect is the way they show they love you.

Seeing each other is over rated

Lack of compassion is simply you being too sensitive.

True love isn’t magical, it is just a fabric that covers you in the beginning

Showing love through the little things is a waste of time.

In the end you only have yourself because by then you realize you never really had their love to begin with.

Love has become cruel because once¬†you let it in it seems to give the permission to be mistreated, disrespected and forgotten while¬†you remain in love because as the girl who always believed in happily ever afters and true love and showing it everyday… only pushes them away because¬†you¬†are a dreamer and unlike the beginning when it was magical for the both, it is simply just a memory now that their true nature has come into play which slashes you down for it.

But in the end I am still me… A dreamer, a lover, the hopeful and a woman who believes that such things are possible and it’s only a matter of finding it. It is a long wait, but I have waited long and if I have to, I will wait longer to feel the same love and magic that I give out.

Until then… I will be the magic for the both of us

Cause love is endless and magical and full of hope if only we stop labeling love as something other then that, because of what we go through. Don’t let cruelness become what defines love… it isn’t love.

Love is beyond all that.

Keep loving, be kind to others, hold your loved ones close and don’t be afraid to show it because of fear or resentment….

Love will heal all


Warrior Knight

There are many many people

Some people I don’t like

These people take for granted, everything in life

You give them all your kindness, They slice you with their knife

Cutting all the beauty, with no care of your fight

You battled and survived in a world that don’t play nice

a lesson of this simple world, has made you pay the price

and in return you give them, all the fighting right.

But know that you don’t have to be so brave to win this fight

There are many many people, who speak you to the ground

till you crumble in your standing and climb till¬† you’ve lost count

But know your inner grounding and refuse to face the fight

Cause you are not a victim from the carvings of their knife

So paint your face and dress the part, reveal your hidden scars

And those who tare you down, will know they’ve lost the fight

cause your the one who rose to be the knight

Oh I’d like to see them do this, shoe on the other foot

But truth be told that they don’t stand a chance against your hooves

You’ve walked a wreckage worthy, to be a golden knight

and here they are a burning from the fires of your life

Let them burn out their fire, like a dragon on ice

Let them think they won, let them take on the fight to the weak or nice

They don’t stand a chance

Cause the blood inside a warriors heart is hell in all she wrote

and evil is the eye of storm, the calm is just as well

I’m Weird and I Love it!

Some people will only like you if you fit inside their little box.

Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass!

I’ve met some pretty cold ass people and I’ve also met some pretty amazing people. I’m not here to tell you everything will be okay, because it wont always be. Remember that struggle builds a strong foundation. It puts you in the deep end and makes you fight to stay alive. You learn how to swim the current instead of against it and you realize that the only life support is that of yourself. Sure there are those who will reach in and try and pull you out and these people are exceptional and inspiring. Make sure you remind them of such because it is a rare quality this life has dismissed because it is easily given by those.

At times of my deepest despair and struggle I have had people step in and help keep my head above water and I always remember such greatness, but in times of greatness or times I need a friend, or a comforting voice to hold me and remind me of my greatness, there is few that were actually present. It seemed that it took me drowning for someone to want to step in, not because of their care, but because of what it meant to be someone who watched and did nothing. Very selfish act and yes I know that seems quite difficult to understand or accept because it was an act of kindness through outsiders eyes, but to your own it was merely an act of self.

Wrap your brain around that one.

I’ve been told that I think too deeply on things and some would claim it is¬†I who makes it more than it is, but the truth of the matter that their pretty little pea sized brains can’t manage to understand, is that I see the cards before their dealt and I know exactly the intention you intend me not seeing.

I believe in the “do onto others as wanted on you” My mama taught me this as a young girl and it is something I have always lived by and value. No matter the stones other people cast upon you, stand strong and do not pick up a stone and toss it back. Instead use your head and your heart which is something they can never defeat. This is something that is yours and yours alone.

I’ve even had family members treat me in such ways that make me feel un-important. An inconvenience to give a little bit of love and understanding. Show some support and build me up even if I’m standing on top of a mountain and not beneath the dirt.

It is an incredibly awful feeling, but what I take from it is not only the memory and the feeling of it, but how I chose to rise above it and I must share with you somethings special and of great importance, that you yourself may need.

“I’ve learned how to be strong alone.”

“I don’t get mad, I get distant.” Until my importance rises in your foresight and you value my opinion, my life, my greatness and the kindness I give on a regular basis, no matter how I am treated or seen.

“A *uck you goes to every person who ever took advantage of my kindness”

Yes.. it is harsh in words, but it stands true. Do not allow others to bring you down because your lights too bright they have to put on shades to hide from. Keep being the sun for them and eventually their eyes will adjust. Maybe not today or even tomorrow; but in time. When they are ready, which is when they come to a realization, which we all do at different times.

Not only have I had to endure harshness with family and people who fooled me into thinking I had a friend, but I’ve had to endure it with partners who I thought understood the fairness of my heart and intellect and passion of my mind that over came many battles I fought alone. I was fooled many times, but I cannot be fooled by this again and even if I know I’m being fooled, I stare it in the face and keep silent. I stand in distance until I am accepted and seen. I am patient.

Do not be fooled by my silence to call you on your bullshit, because it is when I am silent you should be worried. My boat has already sailed and the only way to get on board is to swim.

“If your not willing to face the waters your not able to be in the safety of my boat and sail the seas together.”

I am weird in all my greatness, not just a pretty face or a kind heart, but a deep thinker, a dreamer. Someone who looks at all angles of things and sees the beauty even in the darkest of things and that may make me seem a bit nuts, but nuts are pretty damn good. “I hope I’m a Pecan” “Their my favorite” Ha!

I want to let you know that I do know how much you show your support by reading my blog or commenting and I want you to know I see it and appreciate your kindness and opinions.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my words and I hope they give you new insight of the world around you.

I want the very best for you all. ‚̧




My take on human-interactions faults

People thrive off of human-interaction.

As you know it’s very essential to what makes us who we are and how we view the world around us and most importantly, how we then treat others.

I would like to strongly note that this is merely my opinion and mine alone, I do not claim this information to be what is accurate or mean judgement on what I cover here. This is merely my view… Thank you for reading.

Every day we interact with people of all kinds, with different back grounds and experiences that have shaped us along the way. I for one have lived a hard life and I don’t add that lightly. What I have had to experience has had a huge impact on how I view the world and the ways people interact.

There is a fault that I have noted for many years of my existence and allow me to dive into that now.

I was bullied as a child in school, my family is what you would call “not average”¬† We were loud and obnoxious and most of us would hang with the groups you would call, “a bad influence.” But in truth that is merely¬†masking the¬†depth which is merely “Our choice in company based on who we find comfort in.”

I’ve had many instances where authority figures, “male” would try to control my actions and who I am. Men who would turn my kindness and trust in people into an easy target. Someone who they believed because of my good nature that I could be easily manipulated and when I couldn’t… Well lets just say it caused emotional trauma towards me.

What we go through shapes us as individuals either positively or in a negative way in order to survive and walk on from our encounters and experiences. I have taken the positive way. Things I have experienced, human interactions that caused me trauma has caused me to think deep and really look at the depth at all angles and understand it. As you probably already gathered through your own is without understanding, knowledge is mute.

The faults in human-interaction stand out to me like colorful bricks in front of me, when before were blurs I couldn’t focus in on until I went soul searching to really understand the underlining scars that human-interaction has caused in me. I do not place blame because if not for my lack of understanding and my inability to know what was feel good from what was bad, being an abused child and teen… I had what you would call, if I may… “An innocent outlook”

I see time and time again through observing and experience that when people interact most are very unkind with their words. Not aware of the impact their words will have on those around them; but the thing that baffles me the most is that people like this relate well to another and it is seen as a good thing so it keeps happening. No one evolves. Not to say that it’s impossible. We lack the understanding of the effects, only looking to ourselves and that alone.

There is a lack of compassion for others and I find that many cannot relate to people who see the world for what it is and understand that we need a positive interaction. It strengthens who we are, we rely on others to help us and when there isn’t anyone we must settle for ourselves. Reassuring and reading… becoming a loner by survival.

Things that need to change are as follows…

People need to look within and understand why they express their selves in anger, passive-aggressive behaviour, defensive and closed off.

When interacting with others, have an openness to really get to know the depth of someone. By understanding and listening to their words and what they are trusting to share with you.

Do not try to bring down someone to relieve stress that you feel, instead put it on the table and ask for them to take a moment to listen to something you need to share and receive comfort or understanding on.

Have the ability to be non-judgemental and supportive, you can have an opinion which is very essential in remaining true to ones self, but be open on where it’s coming from and choose your moments.

Do not be a side liner who notices someone struggling to carry something or needing a friend or a hug and making the decision to turn your back on them because it would interfere with your day. Like they are an inconvenience.

Don’t set people on a list of importance, this isn’t a competition, everyone matters. If a tree falls in the woods is it still heard? Yes I believe it is, the universe is alive, trees are alive, roots are alive… something or someone heard it. Scientifically I find this to be correct, therefore it still holds importance.

Be kind to people. Despite everything you have endured, despite the bitterness it caused you and the people that treat you with unimportance during your hardest times.. or best of times. Be kind anyways because the fault in human-interaction is lack of caring for those around us and what we hold precious.

Our opinions, our views, our experience and knowledge and that fact that we exist and are striving to go on no matter the rejection we receive through simply being who we are.

Some are blessed to have a surrounding of people that do this act of kindness and give where they can through interaction.

Then there are the unlucky ones like myself, who have little to no good interactions that help bring us comfort in good and bad that goes on during our everyday lives and can only turn to ourselves or a higher power to provide such things as a way of survival.

So be kind in words and actions because without knowledge and understanding one cannot evolve beyond what we are.








Playing the victim

The mind was my prisoner and it had been chained by my thoughts and feelings of acting as victim through much I have endured, but I am here and I have survived. I am a victor of my life.

I remember after certain events of my life, I was stuck in a tornado of doom that seemed to linger and the further I twirled the more situations I was thrown into that only brought damage to my soul, but most of all my perception of myself and others.

I would have many moments of feeling as though the world was out to get me and people wanted nothing but bad for my well being. Although some cases it may be so by observing the facts through actions and expression. Most times, they were merely feeding me what my soul wanted even though I didn’t want that truly. I felt victimized by my own life and mind and became overwhelmed by helplessness.

Abuse seemed to follow me through life like a grey cloud, never bringing forth sunshine and I felt deprived of what every one seemed to have effortlessly.

Looking back after realizations of myself through healing and knowledge I have obtained through experience. I began seeing the truth that was so hard to accept seeing through the eyes of a victim, and that is.

I am a warrior and I have overcome many battles. I am alive and I am happy and I have achieved many things. I am known for my kindness and my creativity which makes me very happy. We were not meant to be victims of our lives, we were meant to be warriors and fight our way through it. Conquer our battles and rise above what clouds roll by. Standing on a mountain top roaring to the sky in brilliance of our life.

We were not born to be slaves to ourselves or others, but enriched and learn and keep our heads high. We are God’s of ourselves and our lives, we choose whether or not it’s allowed. Do not give up what is rightfully yours. “your self-power”

What I have learned is I am not a victim and choose not to be, because what I have gone through, though life shattering at the time. I am a better person and through these experiences I have learned that I could have shifted my mind-set and perception at anytime and that was on me. I may have been a helpless child at one point, but I am not now. I may have fell victim to my own mind and perception because of that, but I am a warrior standing proud of who I am with the strength, knowledge and power to see that I can do anything.

You to, do not have to wear the cloak of sadness, you can set it down and roar loud and stand proud because from this day forward the only way to live the life that you want is to change it. Shift your thinking because everything begins with the mind.

Embrace your inner warrior ūüôā

Thanks for reading my King’s and Queen’s

You are Blessed

Have a glorious day ūüôā

A little too deep

I can only be who I am and nothing more.

Who I have become is through the knowledge and understanding of my experiences and influences, which have changed me not from who I am and will remain, but the deeper parts of my soul that connect with the universe and all it entails.

I have been called too deep of a person. I think too much about what things mean and read about the mind, body and soul and our emotions. I understand a lot about what I do know and can be seen as unintelligent on what I don’t know, or care to share.

The struggles with being a too deep of person is that not many can connect with you; through my experience. As I got older I noticed my world shifting and separating me from people. No one seemed to understand my depth and sticks for what lays on the surface. I however, take a closer look at the why to things and people, and even the universe. I have strong opinions and believe in the truth of the world, but not without default.

Life has taught me one thing about being a deep person and that is…

It’s taught me that people don’t feel comfortable enough around you to be more than just someone they go to when in need. The why is because on a subconscious level they refuse to feel and think about where the issue really is, or what the problems foundation is. Or even the reasons why they love someone or something, really diving in and embracing it all as something to gain knowledge and awareness of.

It’s taught me that you will find few people who you can connect with and who can connect back because you think beyond what is there and share your perception. If you can find others who think like you, you can make a connection. Unfortunately I have found few.

No friends is a big one for me and I am disliked not only for my deepness but also the fact that I have no friends which causes people to see me and assume I must be a bad friend to have, but good for company when they deem fit.

Many will take this and say… the surface answer.¬†Which is¬†something like this…

It’s because your a bad person. It’s probably because you distance yourself. You aren’t comfortable. You just think people don’t connect with you. You don’t try. You are too deep… etc

You see… let me explain. It’s all surface stuff, they base it off what society has taught us, “the problem is within ourselves”

Though I have proven through experience that this true some times.

For example; self-confidence, having issues getting close to people… things like this that are born from emotional trauma or experiences that have shaped our perception, not being able to rise from it because of a lack of in-depth thinking.

The deeper look is …

“They don’t understand you.” “They cant relate to you” “They don’t need you.” “Or they have assumed who you are before they met you.”

I want very much to have friends and I have had many in my growing years but as I go older it seemed to turn into meeting people who wanted things from me. My kindness, my clothing, my advice, my ideas…

I have grown a lot and have become a more positive person and strive to be happy and fulfilled and make the best of what I have. I am kind to others and supportive and aim to inspire and make a difference.

Yes… I know I may not understand fully the why to the dislike of a deep person but I do know that one day the clouds will roll away and the iceberg¬†freezing over will rid this heart of pain.


Relationship’s Fit

We look in the mirror and we see imperfections.

You see where we see imperfection, to an outside eye they are seen as perfection and you are known for your signature, which makes up a huge part of what we are.

“Where there is weakness, there is strength”

That brings me to what relationships need to fit. You see it begins with ourselves and being able to see imperfections as perfection, “JUST AS THEY ARE”

When forming a relationship there are two key ingredients that make it last and those are…

One: Balance & Two: A fit

We must be seen as equal to another and I don’t mean the obvious, “Men are stronger physically… Blah blah blah whatever!

We are seen as equals in our balance as a couple.

What is hard for me, is easy for you.

What is weakness for me, is a strength for you… So on and so fort.

What we lack we gain from the other and what we find as our weakness the other holds our strength. We fit together and form a balance. Giving and receiving without expectance, “JUST AS”

SO form a balance, keep it equal and love “JUST AS THEY ARE”

Love what is hard to see, for where darkness does not cover, stars could not shine


Losing Belly Weight Progress

Before belly wrap                                          After one hour Belly wrap


I decided to try a home made belly wrap and try it out after reading others results all over the internet and I can see the difference after one hour. Of course even using a belly wrap you still need to eat healthy and exercise but this is a great way to get rid of that water weight and help you along and it actually works.

What I used?

half a cup coffee beans mixed with olive oil until it becomes a nice paste, spread it over the part you want to wrap and then wrap saran wrap around area and wear a tight shirt or what ever you have that will be tight around not overly tight but you know…

You can leave on longer if you like. Afterwards you will want to shower to get off the coffee/oil paste once you remove the wrap. If you try it please post your results I would love to see.


Losing Weight

Something that has always been important to me is looking good and feeling good because they both go hand in hand in my opinion. Since a young girl I have always responded well to exercise even after having five children I was able to get back into shape and feel good about my body.

Last year I became very ill and had a kidney infection that had no symptoms until it was very bad to the point I was throwing up blood and my blood became septic and I was kept in the hospital having seizure after seizure. The doctors told me I might die, my fever was very high and wasn’t coming down, I was in the hospital in extreme pain where I received strong antibiotics, fluid and was kept in a hospital bed for a week. I wasn’t allowed to leave the bed unless it was to use the washroom. I hallucinated and I was very frightened it was my last days on this earth. You never realize how precious life is until you are on the bridge of death.

Thankfully I got better and was feeling better after two weeks on antibiotics and medicine to help my seizures.

Unfortunantly the infection had taken a toll on my body and I gained weight which has been hard to keep off because I haven’t had the energy to exercise to help shed my tummy off again.

It wasn’t until two weeks ago when I decided I was going to push myself and focus to get back into shape. I began the exercise routine that has always worked for me in the past and I started to feel better after the first week and notice some changes. I exercise once a day, 5 days a week. I took it slow at first because I knew that it does no good to over work your body. I realize for many this may be hard to do because we all want fast results,so we push our bodies too hard too soon. I am taking my time, I started out with 5 mins of crunches, 5 mins of leg lifts and 5 minutes of running in one spot.

Three days later I began 10 mins of each and added more crunches and leg lifts, listening to what my body could do. When it hurt I did only 4 more and stopped. I increase the intensity every 3 days and have a two day rest from my routine on weekends which gives my body time to recover and work it out because as you may not know, your body doesn’t make changes during exercise, but after, during resting times.

I ate smaller quantities and take in more protein which helps. Drink more water, snacks like peanuts are good and potatoes which surprisingly help to get rid of bloating and salt effects on the body. Not many potatoes. But one every other day.

As you can see from my before working out photo above and the 2 week later photo, my body is responding nicely. I can already notice the bloating going down and that’s just two weeks. I am excited to see how well my body gets back into shape after a month or two.

I feel good, I have no difficulty walking up hills anymore which was extremely exerting for me before.

ūüôā I will continue to show my progress with you all. Wish me luck.

The Mind Of Science

As a young girl I was very fond of The Little Mermaid movie. My mother would walk in on me where I was rehearsing the scene where Ariel would lift herself up off of the rock in the ocean and sing to her future husband Prince Eric.

I have always had strong beliefs and it wasn’t hard for me to believe that there was a possibility that there could be Mermaids that were possibly existent in this world that is far from being understood and discovered for all it’s hidden beauty’s that still remain.

Yes… I have been told many times that my head is always in the clouds and seen as oblivious to the reality around me, but what people don’t seem to realize is that I am very much aware of many things most would find UN-important. I’m a believer in the mysterious ways of this world that have yet to have light of understanding because as a spiritual being as well I have been told that people feel what can’t be understood, only to me it makes sense. Though I cannot scientifically prove what I know, I know it and I feel the truth of it’s existence. Call me crazy as many have but is there a wrong to having beliefs, because as far as I have observed… many do hold strong beliefs to many things. Different from another. We are each unique in our own ways, despite sharing what it is we do believe. What is not told does not discount what is.

The mind has always fascinated me and how it works and how it grows as individuals, through not only experience, but feelings we have. It’s hard to prove a feeling and that leaves us to look upon actions or words and even body language to make the realization of it and call it fact. Otherwise how would we prove what is real and what is imaginary.

The mind has so much to uncover about ourselves and so much to learn that we have blocked away as humans. Yes I know I sound a bit alien right now, but that’s okay because to me I have always perceived myself as different and I know realistically I am very similar to many but in many ways I am very foreign to the world we live in. Especially on the subjects of love and spirituality.

You see something that many do not understand about me is that I am scientific. I believe in facts and proof and finding the truth in everything and everyone; but on the other hand I have experienced spiritual awakenings that I can not prove to others. Yes… I have predicted many events… I sometimes can hear peoples thoughts without them speaking a ward and I can find things if I concentrate and focus on what I want to know. I am given the insight of things that I share with you on this blog all the time and you can call it what you will but it always comes out as truth in the end so there must be more than science which is based on mere fact of the senses we possess physically. Does that immediately rule out our other heightened scenes that I have proven time and time again through my lifetime?

Perhaps it could be a coincidence I have given thought to… but the amount of times I have proved myself… as a scientist I must rule it out because we base everything on fact right? How do I disregard it, especially what is so?

This may strike you on some denial nerve that you have and that’s completely natural, after all we were brought up in a world being told what is right and what is wrong and rely on our greatest brains of this world to uncover and reveal to us what is in fact so, but the little people such as you and I who see beyond what has been told… well what makes what I know less of importance? I know the answer to that as well…

It is the mere fact that I am not labeled as such a scientist and do not have the certificate and education and pass that makes me known as such a person to reveal such knowledge, but who decides what is and what isn’t? Really?

Well I know that to… “It is ourselves.” Each and everyone of us decides what we believe in based on the trust in the people that give us such knowledge.”

I’ll let you think on this a bit because it’s the amount of knowledge I am meant to give you at this time, though I hold much more, but I need your patience. You see the mind is a wonderous thing. It can take in information well, but you must understand the limitations. We can only store so much at once because we do not use our full brain in this body we reside in. It is a sad thing, but also a blessing because it allows us the ability to grow and make realizations of our own. My knowledge I share isn’t to manipulate but to give you a gift of knowledge. The best gift I can give you is the ability to receive information at a pace in which you can discover your own view on. The ability to decide for yourself what is truth to you. The ability to find your own knowledge through what I share and as scientist we must have an open mind.

So with all this said, I leave you with the possibility that remain in these words.

Think, ponder and let your mind make it’s own decisions, somethings that has been taken from us. (My own opinion)

Enjoy… I will share more soon.


Purest of State

Id like to talk about something that has troubled me for the longest time and it’s about love. Yes… something that I am very passionate about, something that lives deep inside of me and all about me.

I’d like to express something so vulnerable to each of you that many I fear are so afraid of saying. I understand it as well and I do not take this lightly.

I have felt for many years now that I have not been able to experience love on a deep level a level that ignites all shades and yes I know in a world such as what we live in it’s hard to believe that a love like that exists but I know it does and the only thing I have to go by is experience and when I say such a thing I do not mean this life…

I know as well that it may sound strange for me to even remember such a thing, but I am an awakened soul and I remember many things that I cannot even begin to prove with scientific evidence that you all need but I can tell you this, a memory that goes beyond what we know now is real and call me crazy as many do believe… well maybe I am for believing in such things but to me it is real without recognition of evidence, but I know in my heart I’ve experienced such a thing.

I’ve went through my life with one negative feeling and it’s one that haunts me through out this life. Something that is dearest to me that means so much to me. Let me tell you a bit about it and you can tell me after you think on it a bit if it resonates with you as well.

I have had so much abuse to my soul center and I’m talking about my heart center, where passion resonates.

Yes a very important factor of our lives.

It has come to my attention after these many years which seem like a lifetime to me because time is merely a small portion of our existence.

I have been loved wrongly and by that I mean I have given so much of myself to love and only received fractures in return. Small moments that remind me that change is possible and that chances are acceptable but this is where I am wrong and have been proved as such many times.

I will enter a relationship with no expectations and fully dive in and give my whole and I receive love back and appreciation to the point I am floating and feel so loved until one day when my special someone is content that he has me and begins pulling away. I call this that loss of a relationship because it is the moment things begin to feel comfortable and non important. They lose interest in you and begin their shedding away factor like a snake.

I have met plenty of snakes in this lifetime and it is never the same and it is always painful to experience because I do not share this light.

I have found myself falling away because the lack of their appreciation and devotion fades over time because of their own issues which get placed onto me like I am some platter for their entree. I bid you not I am nothing as such.

I am worth so much more and there was a time when i would disbelieve this and try so hard to change who I was to please the other but it would end with my heart in the gutter and theirs on a pavement of gold because they wanted nothing more then to be free of me after receiving what they were longing for and usually it has gone like this. I give confidence and appreciation and trust and they take it and they transform it and they become someone who believes I am not worthy. That they could have more and for that I have felt like the before girl, the one that ready s them for the right one on their path and I have been that many times over. But this memory I have, this meaning that goes beyond this existence has taught me something so much more that I have been given. Fore we only know what we have experienced and learned and if I have not  been given this how do we explain me knowing such a feeling.

Let me translate a bit more….

I have experienced such a love that loves me for who I am and what I will become, who inspires and uplifts me, who when I am positive is positive as well, who when i am down knows how to soothe my soul and understands just what I need to feel whole again.

My feelings get so out of wack when¬† others I care so much about disappoints me on a regular basis to the point I don’t even know whether they care or not and I have and remember a love that never would dream of it. They would do anything to make such feelings non existence. I would know to the core of my being that they cared through¬† all their love they gave.

So many have made excuses for behavior and words said to¬† make me wrong because of things about me. But knowing who I am now makes it different because I know for a fact I give so much and what I give I only give if it’s something I’d like to receive which is a belief of mine, do onto others as wanted on you. I live by it and always have and I give so much and I know the unfair in this life I know that we don’t always get what we need from other but we as humans know when they are trying and I am damn sure we know when they are not and after awhile after the high fades of a relationship the person stops trying and in turn I do because I hate wasting my heart away on someone who isn’t worthy of my love and doesn’t even appreciate it.

I am merely a means to their needs and that is all, and that is a sad sad fact I have had to experience, and quite frankly am so sick of it.

I remember love at it’s most purist state and love at it’s last breath, I know the feeling of true love yet I have not experienced it at that level in this lifetime yet. I have had moments with a few when I have but it always fades away into nothing as usual and it saddens me so much because I know to my core there is such a thing.

Where is this love I remember and why is it so…

Why do I long for it’s presence?

I feel so much, sometimes I feel it will consume me, but in my heart of hearts I know that my passion is all that I am and made up of. I am a being of light and true passion and it resonates through me and what I long is to feel it in return as I give it out.

I long to be seen and understood and not judged as though on some trial of what is right against them and what is not. Since when is feeling good about yourself a crime? since when is kindness a fault? since when¬† is passion something to be cast away? Since when is love a mere memory that fades. Love is infinity it goes on forever and it does not fade or shed it’s skin like a snake it is pure and truest in it’s state and it does not falter or fade, but loss does. Loss is what happens after infatuation which is something many seem to find for me. Why I am never sure of, but possibly they just do not see me and that is the story of my life. I can only name a few who do know, but never one I have given my heart to on an intimate level, why I do not know and fear the answer.

Tell me soul… do you or have you felt as I?

Let me know I am not alone?




A message of Healing

This is a message to those who need it,

Light enters you and connections flow on a current and radiate all that is you and awaken your mind of mysteries that once were merely shadows of darkness but only stars shine in dark and light engulfs your spirit in magical forces that are rightfully yours to embrace.

I open your minds to possibilities and healing that you desperately need right now and I offer a shield for each of you who listen and embrace the magical force that surrounds you. I give you love and kindness and allow you to feel this healing of pure light and pure love that you are so worthy of.

You may have felt down and as though there is no one listening to your deepest desires and greatest dreams feeling like doom is always upon you and shifting your outcomes no matter your tries. I rid you of this negativity and allow greatness to follow you as greatness rests in the soles of your feet.

You are loved and you are healed of negatives that have taken you downward to prepare you for the greatness that lies ahead for you. Preparing you so that you may appreciate all that it has to offer and not look upon greatness egotistically as society has brainwashed you into without your wanting it to.

We receive negatives through news and negative influences from negative thoughts of others and of our selves and I rid you of it.

Allow the white light to surround you and purify your spirit to great heights for this light that surrounds you is meant for good and not fault that has shadowed your essence for so long.

This is a message of healing, your prayers are being answered within the next 30 days you will feel it’s warmth surround you and in turn have a positive outlook on your life which will bring about great change to your situation and mind. You will think clearer and be able to make that decision you have been putting off or allow yourself the confidence you have feared you do not deserve.

This message is for you