Entry Seventeen

You break my heart each time you shout

You push my buttons, you feel no guilt

My crying eyes, you think it’s funny

My sadness weakness and I live in doubt

I pray for peace, I pray for strength

I try to stand on both my feet

I travel silence, I travel long

No sick for me, I can’t be late

I can’t lay down, to rest my head

I’m a leach in the waters, because I have so many

My mistakes they bleed and I can’t forget

You rub my weakness in my blackness

You make me small when I feel strong

You hurt me always and I fall soon after

I don’t understand why you treat me so poorly

I see your heart, but it’s clouded with judgment

I resent you and hate you, but love you the same

It’s a dilemma of the heart and I can’t escape it

Eggshells line the floors, and drain the walls

I want to escape and then I think I can crawl

I’ve been through much worse so I tell myself be strong

Your smarter, your stronger, I feel so small

You build me up, then tare me down

I am defensless but I pretend I am strong

You win, I am broken

You win I have fallen

I am no one

Soon time will shift me and you will be wrong

I don’t care, it’s sunken, my battle is fought.

Tried for so long and now I’m fighting for what?

I fight to be strong

In a misery of song

Lord save me

 

 

Entry Sixteen

Chest of heartbeats, vein of pulse

Double vision, shaky palms

Sweaty forehead, watch me fall

Falling backwards, far from tall

Height of mountains, land of shore

Pull me tightly, rock me slow

Candles sparkle in lightning stares

My body trembles, my wrists, they flail

It’s growing darker, as sunlight stares

Blankly staring, sitting still

My fear is hidden, perfectly chill

Confiding secrets of pain I feel

Speechless, numb, pain of senses

Here I stay

By your side, you hold me tight

I’m now with father

He hears me pray

Entry Fifteen

My worlds in pieces

My heart it bleed and what’s left of secrets is decribed in pain

Tears they creep out and stain my sheets

Stress keeps building and he keeps throwing, the stones in blame

I’m left in silence and cold in dispare and like the man he is he pretends to care

I believe it’s changing and then all hope fails

My bleeding hearts in pieces

I’m a fool, I’ve lost

Wait for the moment, the day that will come

This is the cross roads and I don’t care which is done

My hands in the air, I give God all my choices

I’m lost in misery and my heart has not won

This is my journey

This is my fate

How can I be so wrong, in every phase

I wish things were different, but they stay the same way

I wish clouds were on nine, like moments when they used to be, but those days are done

What’s left is my teary face and his win

He broke me, I’m done

 

Entry Fourteen

Touchy topics, spilling proof on sounded meadows inside my womb

Tucked away inside my room, I lay still crying, I lay still, I lay here quiet

Salty tears inside my mouth, my hands are shaky, my eyes stained red

Holding pieces, sacred truth

Keep strong, holding together my crumbling frame, from feet to head

In ever whisper, in every voice, with every touch I calm in comfort

To every rise, there comes a fall, to every shower, it comes down hard

Breaking bridges, breaking falls, if I thought I was lonely, I fear I was wrong

Finding myself and holding on tight, pray it gets better, while clouds shift and shout

Darkened skies above me now, their scary eyes, their fearful pouts, it scratches it’s claws, it pins my skin down

These dark clouds of needles, have sealed up my mouth

I have no voice, I have no sound, I have no eyes in this bath of it’s falls

Lord who my father, Lord who I call, please help this cloud see, please help this cloud calm and mend without wounding this frail weakened heart in body, so pale

Silent and still I wait for his call, I wait for his hand, I wait for anything

A sign, or a shout

I wait on my hands, I wait with lips sealed

I’ll wait, but I’m standing, I’ll wait while I rise in shivering falls

Love is a struggle, but I stand with it strong

With shaky bones and wounds down my soul

I stand with it strong and pray for it’s call

I wait

For I love

For without love, I’d fall

 

Entry Thirteen

Turn away from the dark shadows that stare me down, their breath on my neck in a cold winters snowflakes

My cheek to their eyes, I cast away their glance, I break away all ties

This bond that we once shared is now a painful memory of lies

You tied my ribbon to your belt and kept me close by

You tried to keep me locked up, but I refused to be tied down and broke free every time

Your words kept me sad and your stare kept me scared

I believe I deserved it, every time that you yelled

You never said sorry, only words but no meaning

You write lies and tell tales and cast shadows

I was a cacoon, alone in my womb

I was in preparation for my special day to break free

I kept close to my home until I was strong

Now my wings of color paint the sky of meaning you can’t touch

Still just a memory, your still just a lie

Your still just a bad dream and a fake mans smile

You’re no longer a tear

You’re no longer a scream

You’re no longer a kiss, or a touch, or a dream

You’re no longer a wish, or a prayer, or a passion

No longer a shoulder, you never were there

You’re no longer a friend, your friendship was fiction

Your love was lusting, your love was possession of what was not yours

My heart is my own, my smiles are forever

No matter your shadows casting their bleak

I will be strong in this darkness

I will color and shine all light from my heart

You have no hold on me

No ties, no lies control me

I am free

Entry Twelve

Land of fever, hot as sand

fire of rivers, cover your hands

Standing tall, on a blanket of stars

Sinking in salt water, drinking word in a whisper of lambs

Over the mountain of a river of warm

Cover my body in a man of my soul

A part of my family, he is with my stars

A part of the heavens, an angel he stands

Sounds of the rain drops, kissing the ground

My lips pink of roses, my eyes bright as blue

Holding my hand, in a moment, of truth

My breath now a whisper of tomorrows day beau

lighting my sky up, I paint on the moon

Old friend is no longer, so I must fall forward in a rhythm of feet

Pounding the pavement in, a dance, of ballet

Here comes my music

Are you ready for me

Entry Eleven

Crazy clowns of balloons of frowns

noise of children, baby sounds

crying loud, my ears of crowds

tired I feel and alone I realize, yet holding sound

taking moment to moment I fall

trembling body, sleepy eyes

a hand of love, holds my head and lays me down

rest is found on a bed of silence

I have waited for sleep to find me

I have waited for dreams

I lay in silence, hoping I sleep

Sleepy eyes of a tired day, a stressful time

I lack my sleep

Now sleep away

Please gawd, No DREAMS!

Entry Ten

Soft and sweet a voice of silk

Tickles of fingertips, crawling my skin

A mountain of cupcakes, a slide of warm

I lay in a blanket and sing to a soul

A rainbow of feeling, on candy cane clouds

roses of flavour, cherries of mouth

Tigers are crouching in the grass of a meadow

My heart-strings are playing a song of the past

On to the future, the weakness is over

Strength has empowered the throat of a calf

Into the rivers as warm as a bath

Bubbles are floating on blankets of hat’s

Unto tomorrow my eyes will awake

This dream that I’m dreaming will be, reality

Entry Nine

Spades of rainbows, on top of shades

Lightning flashing on a pail of hay

Around a meadow and through the day

On a blanket of love, we kneel and lay

Touching hands of rose and pink

Trembling fingers on a body so pale

Fair as snow, this beauty waits

A knight of kindness has shown his face

Ignite the light inside the rain

Rainbows appear in an outstanding way

Over mountains and sky’s of grey

Sunshine scares the clouds away

Heated tongues, play and lips will meet

Sweet loving rhythms in a magical sway

Love is kind, love is fair

light a candle, let’s kneel and pray

Entry Eight

Tiny footsteps on my land

Surrounded roses hold my hand

Warm and safe their softened Red

My lips of pink unwind my spin

Inside a feeling I have missed

Happy thoughts are pouring in

A cloud has drifted from my skies

Let sunshine begin

Growing tall, I rise from falls

I travel forward, holding hands

Safe and warm I feel, inside

God is smiling in my skin

Entry Seven

Mind on edge I walk in rain

my head to ground I stand in pain

Eyes of red and cheeks of tears

hold my hand, cradle me now

loss of friend, a love, a man

walking loveless, in a heart of sand

slowly spilling cries of sea

cast it out and far from me

These years have been quite hard for me and I do believe in rising above struggle and I do know that tomorrow is a different day. I do understand time will heal what loss has caused me and I do realize that in order to let go I must truly let go. My heart has been torn in so many ways and I understand the loss that yesterday brings today. I do know the pain that holds me to my tears that stain my pillow, but I know that one day I can take my load of laundry to be cleaned.

I have a heavy heart and my eyes are sore and my stomach feels sick and I haven’t been productive as I usually am. I’ve gone through thoughts and feelings of things that replay over and over in my head. I do know time will heal me, but I also realize it will take time and time is what I am afraid of because I do not want to hurt anymore.

I think a new surrounding will help because of the memories this place I live in brings, but I’ve got two weeks of here that I have to survive through and I feel like I don’t have someone to walk with me because I’m too worried about burdening them with my pain. This isn’t much of a double poem day, but it is an open heart and it is a journal, which is what my blogs seem to have become. I don’t mind, it actually makes me feel better knowing I have people reading and knowing their not alone in their experience and also those who send me mental hugs my way of healing. I want to be honest when I write and I want to be open about who I am and what I experience. I’m in the moment and I live to express, I am an artist and I need to express because it helps me and if it helps me then I must. I know I will get stronger and feel better as time goes on, but it’s the right now that is hard.

Trembling words of mistaken years

overlooked I hold my fears

Staring blankly I cuddle the moon

The stars begin to dance around

Rising sun, shine down on me

my fragile heart warm and breathe

alive my soul I gaze to God

With you my holy, with you I stand

lay on covers blue and red

cuddled up to a cat, who has been my forever friend

Close my eyes I rest my head

tomorrows a new day, a better day, it is

Entry Six

Tickle my tongue on a trumpet of sun

sound of a bird singing hope and glory

flourish my love on a pedestal of stars

I await in a meadow as high as the sun

Shinning in color I stare into you

Upon just a journey I travel in two

Hand to a palm I’m connected and true

Settle my heart on a blanket of love

Eternal my arms will hold you

Entry Five

Silver moons of sunlight stars

Golden leaves of raindrop tears

Melt away the sorrow feet, melt away the broken spoon

Rest assure and rise like sunlight upon each day

Morning light upon my pale

Eyes of smiles I stare in time

Hold my hand my angel

Tomorrow brings a gift as yesterday drifts the spoon

A river running long and smooth

A rose is tucked up in my hair

Away I travel, far and wide

To a wonderland of ever blooming dandelions

Entry Four

Lips of soft rose

Pink of color kiss

Touch of gentle gaze

Held in warm arms of strength

Gazing into eyes of sea

Melting in a moment

Drowning in a word

Hands entwined into another

A look of love each day

For each moment spent away

A kiss for lips sweet and wet

Kiss me love, I wait

Entry Three

Tangled vines of rosebud twines

Swirls of circles outline my eyes

Water lilies surround my frame

A gaze of night, I sing my sight of counted tunes

Land on hands, I rest in fields of dandelions

Kiss of rest upon my cheek, is that you lord, or a gentle breeze

Sea of Starlight dance my gaze, a hundred fire flies sing

Beyond Eyes Of She, who never sleeps

Entry Two

Inner core of outside fruit

taste of passion, lick of truth

travel leaves of dandelions

look of beauty in your gorgeous smile

hold an apple, shine on sleeve

your day is blessed, live full and wild

ENTRY ONE

Touch of tranquillity

and fertility for every soul can’t bear

Inside desire of an outside prayer, living moment of despaired

Inner womb of nestled truth, bare the beauty of prayers you’ve shared

Let light touch you

God rest you in a sunlight of prayer

The purest kiss bring you life of endless gifts

This I give to you

Spit It Out!

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