Struggles With Being Passive

As a child I was very passive and you can’t really change what you are. Only you can in a sense and by that I mean you can train yourself to become more assertive about things you want. Only it goes so far.

Most of my life I had been merely passive and it caused me to be abused and used in my up bringing, which basically made me a victim. Sure I’ve learned to be more assertive out of protection, but that doesn’t mean I am not passive anymore. It’s a constant struggle and basically the most beneficial way I found to illuminate my passive nature is to drink alcohol. I am in no way an alcoholic, but I do enjoy an occasional glass in the evening because it’s relaxing to be more open and less passive. I feel more confident as well.

As a little girl I would hide in my closet when I was sick or sad because I didn’t want anyone to see me. I thought I would hurt them because they would feel bad seeing me sad or sick and I wanted to avoid that.

As a passive girl it caused me to be put in positions where I couldn’t defend myself when I should have been able to and that saddens me sometimes.

Why is being passive seen as such. Defenceless creatures, who care too much about others they sacrifice themselves for the good of others, only they do so too much it affects them because there isn’t anyone who has their back like that or who cares that much to do the same in return. People just aren’t like that, lets face it and being as such does no one any good.

As I got into my teens I started to come out of my shell a little and trained myself to be a little more assertive. Say what I thought and how I felt. Not kept everything inward and only think of others and not of myself.

The more I aged the more I did this. Though I still find it as a battle to be assertive all the time. It’s exhausting. I just want to be quiet and keep to myself. I don’t want to be so open, but I know I have to. It’s a defence mechanism now. Writing helps me with this, I can say what I think and feel in writing and even though many are reading it, to me I just think of it as words on a piece of paper, or in this case on a screen. Maybe they will help bring you out of your shell a little which is beneficial because when you are open and say what you think and feel others respect you more.

I kind of go back and forth with assertiveness and passive as my true nature is.

I am very much a pushover even though my assertiveness I’ve built tries to find equal grounds. I always lose and just give in because I would rather just settle it.

i end up feeling more hurt though because I feel helpless that I can’t be strong enough to go for what I want and stick by it. No matter how unfair it is and how much I strive for equality. That’s why it’s merely something I have gained to help me because I am so passive.

Being passive causes me to feel down on myself and I find myself asking for permission to enjoy what I do and do what I enjoy. I am constantly looking out for others feelings and wants. I am quick to pick up on others.

It’s not healthy behaviour. It is important to have respect for others, but you will never carry out your goals and dreams unless you learn to give them the respect they merit. Passive behaviour is ineffective because there is only so much self-sacrifice you can take.  That is why I try very hard not to be so…

Writing helps me with this, very much. So does alcohol :p

Having a glass as I write this, which explains it right?

:p I wish I was more confident and able to just feel comfortable speaking my mind and how I feel without always thinking about others, but then I think of me not having that. me not carrying and it hurts me because I love my heart, but I do know that there can be a balance when I am passive but keep at building my assertiveness in order to live a confident, happy, successful life.

Let’s face it, passiveness will get you no where in life and although that is a sad thing, it is the truth. I am living proof of that. Men will use that crap out of you and so will the people around you. Sometimes we have to build a little wall we can lean on in order to gain the strength we need to push forward in life. Life should be equal and I really do believe that. This world isn’t at all that, but I would rather fight for that than stay passive and lay down for the needs and wants of others who carry greedy hearts.

I wish more people were passive so that the world would be a happier place, but that’s just dream talk and I think it would get a little boring perhaps.

What are you? do you struggle with how you are?

 

Stress Test

This morning I went into my Cardiologist’s office to get my Holtor monitor removed, which was good. She didn’t tell me results of it because they have to enter the info on it into the computer later.

Then she began hooking me up to more wires which burned like a bitch. I hate that. My skin is so irritated and red there now and hurts. Ouch

I started out slow on the treadmill and then faster, bringing my heart up o 190 and then I had to stop because I started to feel lightheaded and laid down on the bed.

The nurse said the testing went well and when I was done I was released to go home after the lightheadedness faded.

I haven’t received the results for the Holtor Monitor yet and my ECO testing is on Friday. I’m worried that it’s all going to be fine and they wont find anything even though I haven’t been feeling well and had and have had these episodes and it will all just be cast aside.

What if they label it as nothing and then it happens again?

It’s the reason I hadn’t brought it up to doctors in a long time, because I feel embarrassed after they find nothing even though I go in with symptoms and they find the symptoms at that time but no other time.

I feel like the symptoms over time have increased and at night I gasp for air, so I am worried that next time it will be more serious and it will all get passed off.

Maybe that’s stupid, but makes me feel so confused as to what this issue is.

Is it just nothing?

Will they find anything?

Wouldn’t they have found something through the stress test if it was something?

Holtor Monitor

At 9:30 am today I got my Holtor Monitor hooked up. I had to lift up my shirt while the lady doctor wiped my chest in certain places with rubbing alcohol and a scratch pad thing which really burned. Then she attached the little things to it.

It burned even more. The burning lasted for about 20 minutes, which sucked and now the strap that holds the monitor on weighs on my back and my back hurts. Not going to be very happy today because it’s very uncomfortable. “Sigh”

Tomorrow I go back at the same time to get it off and then my stress test begins. I’m not looking forward to that one.

So far i’ve had a few things like shortness of breath from cleaning up toys I’ve had to document on the form. Or picking up my son. Simple things that always make me out of breath and cough.

When I first came home Rick said it looks like I have a bomb attached to me and advised me not to go out walking around. lol

It does look like a lot. :p

Another Episode

Ever since I went into the ER for my last episode that was more severe than my growing up ones that I get a few times a month, depending and I’m never sure what triggers them. They come on suddenly, but not so sudden where I don’t know when their about to start. There are starting symptoms that are always present, even now.

The first one it starts with is Nausea and then comes the uncomfortable feeling in my chest. I can’t explain this feeling, only that it feels like something is wrong with my heart. Or beating.

After the nausea comes the shakiness and by this I mean, starting with my hands they begin to shake slightly and that unravels into my whole body shaking. I can’t stop this from happening. I have slurred speech and I am confused but still aware and able to comunicate and know what’s going on.

Following that is more uncomfortable feelings in my chest, but now it’s uncomfortable and tense in my shoulders and upper back and it feels as though there is weight on my chest and I feel like it’s harder to breathe.

So I am still shaking and have slurred speech and the shoulders are tense and my chest is heavy and then I get the feeling I’m falling. This is very different from when I used to faint. It’s as though I’m going to sleep and I am trying to stay present. I try to name things around me in my head to stay “HERE” I take deep breaths to try and control it, but it isn’t controlled.

After that I get a tiny pain in my forehead, a different kind of headache that lasts about a minute and then I get a pain in my chest.

At least that’s all what I had yesterday on my way taking my other three children back home to their dad.

As the shaking eased off my left pinky and ring finger leading up that side of my hand to my wrist began going tingly and numb.

I was scared after the symptoms were easing off because I don’t know exactly what is causing this, but I know it’s bad. It just doesn’t feel right, at all.

Someone told me it sounds like a stroke, but that seems unbelievable.

I didn’t go to Emerg though, I figured the symptoms eased off and it was okay to go home and rest. I was tired afterwords as usual.

Little prayers that I make it to my doctor on Tuesday. I really don’t want to have to go into the hospital again, but obviously if it happens again I have to go in again. If it’s a stroke for a bizarre reason, it has to be checked.

 

No Interent

It turns out that I will have internet all the way up until moving and then when I move in 🙂 It wont be hooked up right away when I move in but at least you only miss like a day or two of me 🙂 that’s better than weeks right? Of course it is. Ah I feel the liveliness in my blogs now. Can you feel it, can you. I’m not 100% better of course, I’m still recovering from a break up and stress etc, but I will slowly feel better as time goes on and now that all that stress of finding a place is off of my shoulders I can breathe a little easier and just cry here and there and move on one day at a time.

Just got to learn to breath in and out and relax as you say 😉

Get stronger by the day.

I feel good about moving now and it will be good and I can show you new place in a vlog and decorate it all nice 🙂 it will be fun. Gawd this morning I was a mess and crying etc and now I feel better all because of those stress’s that got lifted from me. Mind you my heart is still in two, but it’s been broken for a while, well torn, now it’s broken. Broken hearts suck ass!

Need me some love, love heals all wounds. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ there four, for good luck, I love the number 4. Have I mentioned that B4? Well now I did. I am so in love with 4. I want to dance with it, it makes me so happy. I literally get happy when I see 4. hehe. 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4

🙂

Changes/Lottery

It turns out I will be moving probably around february which is going to be very hectic and stressful. My son is going to stay with his dad and it’ll just be my little Niki and I, well and cuddles our family cat who believes she’s a human. I swear, she likes drinking tea and once I caught her eating a cheetoe? I love my cuddles, I’ve had her since she was born, she was the only grey kitten out of the liter and I remember when I use to come to where the kittens were in this linen closet she would crawl over to me and cuddle against me. Then as she got bigger and stronger she would climb on top of me and snuggle, so I named her Cuddles and then my mom said I could keep one and I chose, well of course. Cuddles. She chose me is the truth though.

She’s twelve years old now, she was born on Easter which makes her even more special 🙂

As I was saying, I’m so stressed because I just moved here back in March and to move again, ugh, if you know what I mean. Plus I have to move into a smaller place because I can’t afford it, so lame. I hope my next place is nice and it’s not too stressful finding one. I know it’s going to be a little, because there is so much to do in order to move, not to mention so many to contact that I’m moving. Good Grief as Charlie brown would say.

I can’t wait till the stress that keeps following me around fades and happiness reveals itself, I bought a lottery ticket today perhaps I’ll win and I wont have to worry about moving problems because I can just slap money in people’s faces and get someone to help direct me. Ha!

If I won I would pay off my debt for one and then shower my family with gifts of course and buy a house, get a puppy to join Cuddles and rest easy knowing I don’t have to stress money no more. Oh and not to mention publish my novels so I can share more work with all of my Pumpkin frogs and make awesome videos with awesome equipment and make a cd and sell it for little so everyone can afford it. Oh yes, life would be easier, but money isn’t everything. So they say. but if you look around us, we need it to survive because that’s how life is, so it is important. I grew up very poor and still am poor, hell the governments supporting my ass and I just want to be able to not have to deal with money no more in the sense of struggling for it. Yuck, I hate struggling. I just want to make rainbows and ride unicorns into the sunset. Ha!

I’m a dreamer at heart what can I say, it’s a sickness really, “Caugh”

Tell me my Pumpkin Frogs, if you won the lottery what would you do and how would it change you and your life and the life of others you care about?