Repressed Memory

Beauty is not defined by its outer lining, but by its centerfold.

I feel as though everything had led up until this exact moment. All the uphill climbs and struggles, the confusion and sleepless nights that played shadows on the walls in my bedroom and the haunting feeling that swam beneath my skin and crawled on the hairs up my back, until I couldn’t breathe and felt as though I was being smothered by a blanket of storm, that danced rainstorms on my temples and kept pounding.

It’s safe to say that everything was a step closer to recovering something that would fit the puzzle back together and help me through the rest of my life. A piece that would bring me back, because up until this moment I was lost and I had no idea of it.

It’s amazing how little we take in what is really going on inside of our minds and much of what we encounter and interpret is made up from the makeup of our journey through childhood, up through adulthood.

I lay in a clear water bath, surrounded by candlelight and there is silence with me. Complete and utter silence, there are no clouds above me, or foggy memories behind locked doors. There is just me, silence and a warm watered tub and I am finally at peace. I could die at this moment and I would have lived a great life because of this. This moment of recovery that took place on a horrible night that made me feel as though the walls of my world were closing in. My whole life leading up until this moment has felt this way, but as it got closer, as did these walls that shook my world and caused so much anger and pain. Some of which I turned on other people without recognition of it, because I didn’t understand. Nothing made sense, no body made sense to me and I couldn’t handle the noise. It was so loud all the time, there were so many thoughts swirling through my mind and they hit walls and doors that stayed locked up and feelings pressed at my temples and pain raged in thunder through my veins and I felt like I was under water. Everything moved quickly, and nothing seems right to me. I felt unsafe and as though at any moment I could break, but how can you break what is already broken?

I called myself a broken girl the moment I became aware of everything I locked up tight. I ranted on and on, with a drink in my hand about how I didn’t have a great father and what I remember of him.

I went on and on about the men who hurt me, mostly about my father and I began becoming angry. I was angry with how I was treated, I was angry with my life and my constant pain that kept coming in waves. I was angry with my boyfriend and how nothing was working out with him and how everything just didn’t make sense to me. I was angry with the people in my life who had hurt me and most of which I didn’t understand the reasons of. I was angry with the emptiness and unknowing of what was next. I was angry with myself and then out of nowhere, with the pole of a broom I was swinging around randomly as a security object I needed to speak with, I spoke the words without thinking. They rolled off my tongue, in all my rage. I spoke of how I was molested as a child. I was eight and the memory flooded in and I had to repeat myself and I dropped my security object and tears flooded my eyes and I was caught in the arms of my boyfriend who held me tightly as I relived what I had locked away as a very young child who couldn’t cope with the realities of this memory that just snuck up on me through a drunken rambling, on a horrible dark night.

I had my bags packed, ready to leave and start life all over again, I had sat in the shower an hour earlier on the floor and let the water hit my face after chugging back a glass of rum and coke. I blared my music, loud as I could from my cell phone and my pain circled me as it always had. It closed in on me and I tried to disappear in this tiny shower stall, but when I opened my eyes, I was still there and the music blared in a quiet tone, my thoughts were too loud.

Now in the quiet, I am at peace. I feel like myself again, the one I lost, the one that got taken by a bad man who did terrible things, none should ever have to experience. I hate him for what he did and I don’t understand how it could have happened to me, but it did and I hate that the memories of it are now in images and I can see and feel everything, when before it was simply just a vague memory, I just knew something like that happened, I didn’t have any memory in images of it, I didn’t face it. It was there, but it wasn’t. Now it’s here and the door is wide open and all the birds of blackness have flown out and the room is silent and I can see again. I can feel again and the clouds are gone. Everything makes sense to me and nothing comes in foggy images and nothing sounds like it’s under water in a sense that I can’t hear what’s happening, the way it’s happening. The anger is lifted, the sadness, I have the understanding. I don’t look for ways to fight love off, because love is not the enemy here.

I am free and my wings are stretched out wide and I feel like at any moment I can take flight, but I’ll wait for just a few more moments. I will enjoy the view from outside the darkness and admire my strength to stand here. In the light, I can stand here and I finally know that I am safe to, there isn’t a monster coming to tell me secrets tonight, and there isn’t a monster coming to shatter my innocence. They are memories, they are scars and they may be a part of me, but they will never consume me anymore because I have allowed them out from their hiding place and awoken from the darkness that suppressed them.

Life is okay now and that is better than how it was.

I’m okay, with being okay.

For me, it’s what works, right now.

Post Surgery

On July 9th 2013 I under went another surgery, but this was for tying my tubes because I have decided I do not want to have any more children for many personal reasons. It took me awhile to feel comfortable with undergoing the surgery, but when the time came for me to i set the surgery up and was ready for it. I was told the recovery of it would be fast and most woman get right back to doing everyday things the next day. I found this not to be the case with me. I have just started feeling a bit better to the point I can move around and do certain things on my own, but I am still fairly sore and need meds to help with pain and I also get tired very easily so i need to rest a lot still.

I have had help from my mother and boyfriend through this process. my boyfriend has been so supportive and caring through my recovery and has been wonderful with our children and myself. I couldn’t have asked for a better man in our lives. I am so thankful for him and find myself thanking god throughout my day that he is in my life. I don’t know what I have done without him all my life, that’s how much he has become a part of me. I love him so much.

As you can see, I still have to wear my bandages, believe it or not they were larger then this when I first came home from the hospital on three doses of morphine and tylonal 3. So I was pretty out of it when I got home for awhile. My boyfriend says it was pretty cute to watch, i remember here and there but not everything. i remember him being very sweet with me. ❤ But he always is really sweet, I love that about him.

So here are my war wounds, i am hoping once the bandages come off, my tummy wont look hideous with scaring or anything. i already feel self conscience with my stretch marks as it is, so I am really hoping this doesn't leave a noticeable scar. My babe says I look beautiful and sexy all the time though and always makes me feel beautiful no matter what, so I think even if there is some scaring, his love will make it less and less noticeable in my eyes because the way he see's me. 🙂

SO a few more days and I should be able to take the bandages off and be feeling a lot better, or so I hope. I have to see my doctor again in two weeks and then another 6 weeks as well, but after that I am good. 🙂 I hope i heal up real well and the recovery doesnt take too long for me.

Guilty Pleasures

Beginning ways of hidden treasure
beyond the eyes is my forever
a walk of kindness a dance of darkness
hands of yellow his eyes of fire balls
Burning lungs of distant stains
they lay their love beneath their mane

Token taken from my hands
My heart is sealed to one forever
I dare not speak, my feelings quiver
They walk a line I’ve drawn for centuries
Living by the hands of now
far from the plan I have on measure
beyond my help I cannot help them
I once again am rendered helpless

I watch as they begin to shelter
In smokey clouds and thumbly footsteps
I hold their hand and walk beside them
My love keeps me here no matter their pleasures

I pray for change, fore I was blinded
Blinded by their smoke and their guilty pleasures

Will their ways turn into starlight
Or are they waiting for me to bath in all their pleasures
The girl I was never
The girl I will never be

If only love was a cure, but their is no cure
to someone’s pleasures

Do I speak, or dance in cloudy circles surrounding me

Touching Stone

Life seemed pretty traitorous and I stepped on a lot of stones along the way and fell into a shit load of holes that caused me the challenges to try and climb out without completely cutting the shit out of myself and falling back in. I have had a hard journey and through it have gained experience and insight that will guide me through the next challenges that I am to face. Life is like that, sometimes I want to scream at it and say, What the Hell!

Its mind-blowing the way it sneaks up on you and its full of blessings when it gives you love and wondrous gifts along the way which dont make any sense within your situation. I will never understand life on planet Earth. Being an alien and all, how can I. This planet is strange and much to my surprise filled with many people i dont like.

I would like to meet life and form some sort of understanding and be able to walk without falling in the many holes it keeps casting infront of my feet and for right now i see clear road ahead of me, but if life is planing a whole nother hole for me to fall into, we are going to have to have a big discussion because its so not cool. I know Im not making any sense and at this point your now curious minds are spinning like mice in a hamster cage thinking it leads to cheese. i dont really have a point though and Im not trying to give out any information. This blog has absolutely no point, its just for entertainment of my mind. I felt like writing and this is what my hands typed. blame the writer.

It could be because Im alien, that seems to be my excuse for everything, and a good one at that. Making sense isn’t part of the alien brain, we are confusing and unpredictable and sexy little beings we are. We are full of life and love and passion and will make your mind do flips and send your heart on an adventurous rollarcoasters until you throw us off a few times too many and then we will fly through the sky like a bird and land in someone else’s world and begin again until we find that special human or alien who can walk on our level and sing from the same tune or eat from the same fruit.

Making any sense yet… dont answer that, just keep reading and maybe i will come to my point. I doubt it though, i just want you to read my blog because its why i write it. I like to entertain and I like to make you think and gain insight even if that means not learning anything but how to raise one of your eyes brows and say, okay… that was… and click the tab that sends you away from my blog only to come back to it later to raise another eye brow. I am just that awesome.

So since i have rambled and wasted about 2 minutes of your time and caused you to raise your eye brows probably a few times I will end with a poem, since you all seem to adore my poetry for what ever reasons you do. I dont blame you, who doesn’t like something alien, right.

Sounding solids in mystic time

there is a calling for mystic rhymes

in times of need we sound our chimes, but sounds of bells bring mountain tides

waters wave from left to right

sun burns bright of flames of light

we cover bodies we cover lies

your evil ways have caused blood lines

begin their journey, begin their time

here come the walkers, prepare your knives

scratch no service of uplifted flies

end all suffering from your countless tries

lay so still on a watery ground

angels calling, here comes Gods nine

Break over mountains, burn down the shields

no armor can destroy what is written in lives

sound the trumpets, sound the song

red ribbon the magic of the new found land of everlasting love

touching stone was his beard of flowers that hung

His sandles of gold, laced through his toes

his eyes of bright blue, he stares out at you

unto the souls who raise in their riches

unto the wicked who lay down in sicken

unto the soles of feet who dont listen

your lips bleed of lies, yet you are forgiven

unto the good, the fair and the healers

unto the hearts of pure and skin of sunlight

here is a scripture, here is a land

here is a word that will protect you from wicked

here is a rope you may travel together

here in a song we can sing forever

God smiles in each, upon to you

Today, we are touching stone

This day will come soon

Lips Of Gold

In a second moment, gives a chance

In a moment, life can make you dance

In a solid step you take your risk, you spin your feet and twirl your hair out from the sheets

You take flight in a meadow, where grass grows green and flowers bloom bright, of purples and pinks

on lips you taste heaven on silk and sink your soul into your feet

In a letter I wrote and a prayer it was heard on a softened cheek

In a stare he whispered, in a breath he spoke words he could not speak

Upon a rooftop beneath the stars, this is the magic that dances in my arms

In one moment a world can change

in one moment a life can shift from salty tears to kiss of pearls

In a breath a heart can begin to beat

In this moment he came to me

I Do Not Know This Man, Do You?

Inner peace of sacred mind. Spirt bound of countless time. He knows no bounds to what he thrives, he knows no mercy to my vines. He takes and does not give no line, he waves his hand and throws his wine. I dare not gaze upon his eyes, he glares of hatred, my tongue is tied. I know no words he speaks his lines, I know no way to meet his size. Over shadows he glares me down, above my collar he holds his time. Dare he speak his words of false truth. Dare he cast his useless fruit of bitter taste on bitter tongue. Dare he stare me down in hate, with witness eyes behind windows pine. Dare he point and snicker loud, dare he sing his pride aloud. Religious hat he seals his crown, but behind his feathers he strikes me down. His words of swords, he dares to pry.

I know not of this man, I know not of his ways. I know not of his wisdom of false face. I know not of his hands, he has no touch, his voice is silent and his eyes are blind. I do not know this man who stares, who cuts me down and points his prize. I do not know this man, not I.

Tricky tongue of saucy hands, his hair grows long and his shadows fade. He paints his portrait, you force your gaze. This man is not who he claims to be, he is not your friend and not in faith. I do not know this man, do you?

Life Is A Coconut

Sometimes life cuts you short and casts you out and no matter how many weights hold you down you fight to lift them off of you. Strength is internal and it rises in us each time we fall, it is to a virus as it is to a cell fighting it off and once it finds the cure it remembers how to over come it. We come through many obstacles in life and some of the most challenging are the ones that connect to our emotional core. My heart is a song and it plays what I feel. My mind is a scrabble board always trying to think of the right words to make the best move forward. My life casts so many shadows and every ray of light that catches my eyes I take a moment and breathe in and out and take a second to capture what I am about to step into. I have learned to slow down and pear out. I have learned to enjoy and how to use my emotions and words in the best ways I can. I have learned many things, but none prepare you for the next obstacle you have no logic or experience in. Life is a coconut.

I just wanna break the damn thing open and taste the milk inside and eat from the core, but it’s hard outer layer protects the flavor, the magic inside from damage and false taste. It allows us the ability to gain patience and structure and strength. it gives us the possibility to find our own way in and enjoy what lies within.

When will I taste of it’s magic… when will I swim in my silky bath of goodness and devour the secret withheld at hand.

My life is a Coconut

Cheers to that!

Milky Moon

Milky moon, of sunset shadows

Casting eyes on flower pillows

Upon a bed of feather fluff, I gaze upon your smile

My head rests calmly on your chest

Our hands connect through palms that sweat

Heat of fire, the summer sun

Burning brightly, above our intertwined bodies of arms and legs

Stare into your soul, my eyes peer into yours

I see all your wonder in one single breath

Holding hands I hold on tightly, dare not to let go of love at last

Holding hearts in hands so tender

I will keep you safe, I will rock you gently

Lay beneath a bridge of water

Waves of ocean blanket us slowly

Sinking down we float to sand, but in your arms I hold no fear

For in your arms is my heaven

Under milky moons, that wake the thunder

Life

Life

It takes you by surprise. The moment you think you have it together is the moment it falls apart, but sometimes it is that moment that is the most important. It changes us and pulls us together and gives us strength. It awakens us to the importance around us. My life is much like that. My life is an egg. One crack and it’s undone and it can’t seal back together. Instead I break out, crack by crack until I’m whole again.

I’ve had to grow up fast. I raised my sister’s children while they dealt with life’s struggles. I was in high school. I had many struggles of my own. I had trouble in school, I have a learning delay I have struggled with my whole life. I never got help for it, I was seen as the student who didn’t care and maybe I didn’t. After being ignored and pushed away and having so much struggle, that you begin to not care so much, but deep down I always did. Of course I hid that.

So I helped take care of my niece and nephew. I struggled in school, I dealt with sexual harassment from my teacher and councilor and at home I dealt with my brother who picked on me, m two sisters trying to kill each other and my parents separating. Every day had a new test to teach me and every night had a new reason for me to give up, but I am a fighter. When I’d fall, I’d find a reason and keep going. life shapes us. It molds us into who we are.

My life went by quickly, I got married young and had a family. I dealt with the crazy in laws you only hear about or watch on tv. I dealt with the memories of my past that used to haunt me. I dealt with the judgements that followed me for doing the one thing I enjoy and feel good about. Life is a constant struggle.

I’ve dealt with a possessive, abusive ex whose only motive was to get back at me for all the wrong in his life. I’ve been, used, abused and abandoned, but I’ve also been loved, wanted and adored by the few closest people in my life. Including my five children who are my love, my world.

I dont believe I was a good mother when I was married. I was young and naive and I wasn’t a very good wife. I was sad and I kind of lost myself. I was blind to the thoughts and ideas that my children had disabilities and I struggled.

They are now in the good care of my ex and his family who hated me, but I rest easy knowing I made the right choice in it. Knowing they are getting the very best care and support. My ex has a huge support system and I am so thankful for that and my children are happy and I am happy because of that, but I am also sad because I couldn’t be strong enough for them.

I have two beautiful boys in my care and no girlfriends to talk to, no man to come home to, but I have love and hope and strength. I have dreams and God in every moment.

Life is a struggle, it is an uphill climb and there will be sunshine. Every day you struggle, make a ray of light shine. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, don’t be afraid to reach out. Don’t lose sight of possibility and dont hide behind tears of struggle that are truly your strength.

I’m an easy target, I wear my heart on my sleeve. i care, I reach out, I give without having.

I’m an easy target, I am young and have five children.

People judge my situation, my personality, my mind, my experiences, my past and my struggles.

My strength is hidden behind my constant struggle to be OKAY.

I know you are like me in a lot of ways.

I know you can relate to me.

Together we can be a strength instead of a struggle. It is together, we can see all shades to someone, you are blind to.

Life really is short and we really do take for granted the strengths in others.

Life is a foundation.

It needs support and love and passion. It needs to be understood and wanted. It needs to grow.

We can do that just by welcoming and opening ourselves to a new light you only saw darkness in. people are shades until they are colors.

Let us not judge.

Let us not cast out our differences.

Let us accept and welcome.

but most of all, Let us nurture one another

for the ones that are not

for you and for me

We struggle together but we also strengthen and grow together

That is the beauty of

LIFE

Kiss A Whisper

To stare.

To gaze upon beauty in one glance.

To accept love as love is

To notice, without thorns or bruises, without shadows

To love, with heart and soul and in hope

Red, as fire it burns it captures all light

Green it heals and enlightens those or pure heart

Walk, with me as my friend

Speak, in whispers of secrets of the heart

Touch is to taste, to kiss on thy lips of heavenly grace

To stare into eyes of blue, to cast away shadows on face but dance them on walls at heavenly pace

Remember the feeling, the voice and the smell

Breathe in a moment and stand at the gate

Awaiting one

waiting long

Patient in heart

waiting

not long

kiss upon heavenly face

 

Breathe

Even moment, in sudden step

A curiosity on life in a blossoming flower, the spring has come. I taste it’s kiss.

The breeze on my face I feel Gods beauty, I feel hope and faith and joy. I feel Gods grace.

There is a song of birds that play around me. They sing a prayer to the falling sun, each song a new prayer, each prayer and new day.

My heart in symphony I hear it’s words. I see all meaning in each glance. The water in waves in the far off distance it kisses the shore, the rocks, the earth in each wave forward and each wave back. There is music in the world to ears that listen it is why homeless hold signs of God, why they say prayers, why they give with nothing in arms.

They hear God.

Can you hear his voice, feel his love in each breath you take?

Take one moment with me, for one moment escape.

From work, from kids, from noise and stand outside at night fall on a quiet street and close your eyes. Her your breath, feel the breeze on your skin, or the rain. Now take a deep breath in and hold it.

What do you feel?

Focus on that breath you captured, that moment your holding, the piece of God inside of you. It fills you, it calms and protects you. it gives you meaning and knowledge, it feeds you youth and it gives you strength.

When you have forgotten this, remember to breathe

capture a moment

God is inside and all around you

You can feel it, if you just listen and look beyond what is before you, beyond what you are

Breathe

Invisible

Do you ever feel like no ones really listening to you, that you are on your own and people merely interact with you because they feel they have to, instead of wanting to because they actually care for you or because they enjoy your company?

I feel like that all the time, even by my family I feel that way. I have always been seen as different, it was even something I classified myself as growing up. I never fitted in with anyone, I was always different from the others and so many said so. I had friends growing up here and there and had popular moments, but I was always considered unique or different to everyone. I guess I am. I am a mix of things instead of just being one specific thing, if that makes any sense at all. I have a very rounded personality that has a bit of everything. Sometimes I think it’s a curse because I have always felt alone in life. No one I can relate to and who can relate to me.

Lately I’ve been feeling more so this way, I am almost thirty and I have accomplished having children. That is about it and I don’t have what I always wanted since a young girl, which is to be happily married and a family with a man who loves me and I him. I know that takes it’s own time and I must be patient and let love find me instead of searching no matter how desperately I want it, it will only end in disaster if I search, I have proven that.

I just wish I had a friend, or someone, anyone I can just talk with and who really gets me and enjoys my company. My mother has been my best friend for years, but lately, well for awhile now she’s seemed different, like she’s not listening to me. I will talk to her and she will not respond to what I’m talking about at all, or change the subject as though what I have to say isn’t important, which is how I’ve always been treated so I should be used to it. I feel like I have never made her proud in life. I do long for that still, I have tried so hard to succeed at something, anything, but I never get there. I always fall short, but that doesn’t stop me from keep trying.

Today I sat around just thinking, do you ever have those days where you just do a soul searching day, where your just constantly in a dream, thinking to yourself about your life and what you really want and what you really feel and what really matters to you?

I want to be in love with someone who loves me the same if not more, I want to be successful at my writing. I want my mother to be proud of me and I want a friend who enjoys my company. I also would like to finally be heard by others, to know that my voice matters and that what I have to say is just as important.

I have never asked for much, not even in a relationships, maybe that’s my problem, who knows.

I just feel.. alone.

So today as I mentioned, I thought and I thought and then I took a long look at my children who are my most important, my loves, my world and it made me smile because they are the best thing in my life. Without them I don’t know how I would be able to get up every morning and keep going. They give me reason to smile, and to laugh and to enjoy life. They give me hope that it will get better and they give me strength for today and the days that fallow. Out of everything in my life, they were the one thing I got right. I wouldn’t change having them for the world.

Yes life has been hard growing up for me, I have had a bad childhood, and I know many will say that, but I have been through things a young child shouldn’t of had to and I wouldn’t wish my life and my experiences on anyone. I had it rough, but even though I did I still tell my self, some have it worse and I know some do. Anything worse then my life is pretty awful and my heart goes out to everyone like me and unlike me. I just want to be love in life. Who doesn’t. That is the one thing I’ve wanted through life and I can’t seem to get it, it’s always half loved, or tolerated. So many have told me they just tolerate me like I’m hard to love, or live with and then perfect strangers tell me I have so much empathy for others and compassion and I know I do. I cry when I see someone hurt, i feel others pain, I try so hard to cheer someone sad up, I can’t stand crowds because I am sensitive to everyones energy and emotions. So I just don’t understand others view on me. People I have talked with about it say it’s jealousy, but I think to myself… jealousy of what exactly, my life isn’t even close to perfect and either am I.

I try to be a better person then I was yesterday each day that goes by. I’m never going to be perfect, or a saint, I’m just like you.

I will never understand what separates me. Still to this day i don’t get it.

Jesus once told me, when I was going through a bad time as a teenage, I was being teased and picked on. A large classroom mocked me and made fun of me saying I was the messenger of God and that I was a witch because I could predict things, long story.. but I had a hard time and I used to see Jesus. He would visit me and I know many wont believe me, but each to their own. I asked him, why they make fun of me, and why people seem to hate me so much and he said in the kind understanding way that he does… “Mandie… dear, people will hold hate for what they do not understand.”

But what is there to understand about me?

I guess talking with spirits would be one of them, but I have met many others who can as well, they I do connect with and relate to.

Maybe that’s what people don’t like about me, maybe my spirituality shines through me and people just know I’m weird and don’t understand it. Maybe thats what this whole thing is about. Not jealousy or hatred or anything I’ve thought it was. But simply they are afraid of what they see, or feel, or think of me. Something they get when they look at me. I used to tell people, you will either love me, or you will hate me and I never fully understood why I said it until now. Maybe that is the reason. Who knows.

All I know is, it’s been a very lonely life, without Jesus growing up, I don’t think I would have been able to get through the bulling in school and in life.

Maybe one day people wont be so afraid of different and accept me, or maybe it’s just how it will always be and I will find one person who will and that’s all I ask for. Just one.

 

 

A Troubling Tale

There are many words for what I have been through and there are many sides of the story I am sure. My side is just a shadow of the picture, but is it the side you wish to see and believe, or the shadow you wish to escape and pretend never existed. A love is quite like that, a  love that left me bleeding with my heart exposed and a wound deep and a scar noticeable the longer time edged on.

When I was just a little girl which wouldn’t seem very long ago for most of you who look at me and think i am much younger then I am and maybe in a way I am, but in many ways I am beyond my years. I used to dream about my prince who would rescue me from my wicked castle and we would live happily ever after in a big house with lots of children. I got married young to a man who never really wanted to be my husband and got divorced after almost nine years of figuring that out, being too young and naive to see it first hand. I can look back now and see all the signs that said, stop, but love blinds you. Though it wasn’t close to the love I would soon feel. As I was leaving that life of entrapment and a stand still as it always felt as, I became involved with a man who I felt was a godsend. He said all the right things and he was so charming and smooth and artistic and musical and his name was so strong. I loved his look and his energy, I loved his everything, but I hated that he disliked so many things about me. I wanted him to see me as I saw him. Only wanted that. I loved him so much. I had prayed for years and years to fall in love so deeply, to feel that love you see in movies, that makes you do unthinkable things. Travel to be with that person, and I did just that. I traveled by myself to meet him and went the distance and changed my whole life for him but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I felt like I was on a treadmill and I kept running towards him but no matter what I would always fall backwards, away from his reach because he didn’t feel the same, yet claimed it was me who didn’t. He was certain it was me who didn’t care or put him first, yet everything I did proved I did. I felt defeated and pleaded for him to love me and for him to care more and want to spend time with me and love me for who I was, but he didn’t. That was wrong of me, because I shouldn’t have to ask someone to love me the same, or care, or want me as I wanted them. I fell hard for this man. Harder then I ever felt imaginable and now that there can be nothing between us because he will never see me that way, I have to live with the love, but the pain of never being able to express it. I have to live with the temptation of his love he dangles before me, I have to live with the bond I have, the connection. I have to live with the memories of his kisses, his passion. I miss him, but how can I miss what I never really had, I love him, but how can I love what wasn’t real.

Sometimes love blinds you and sometimes love changes you and you can’t go back, no matter how much you want to. I sometimes stand in the shower and let the water fall down on my face and let out breaths, deep breaths of all the air I can release from my lungs as if to empty my aching at least for a little bit. I want to forget. I want to give up the love I have for this man I will never receive. I want to be able to reach out my heart and hope another, man who laughs at my jokes, who sees my heart, who is attracted to my heart and soul more then my body. Who cares about me unconditionally. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and puts me first. Who wants to take care of me. I want to open my heart again, I’m so afraid to and I am still hoping deep down this other man who I can’t let go of will love me back as I’ve loved him, though I know he will never. It’s over. It’s never going to be and that very truth is what has me stuck. I can’t seem to accept it. He shows me the slightest emotional connection and I open my heart and wait for his embrace, but it never comes. It’s one sided as it always has been, and I am just a someone from his past, a notch on his belt, a glimpse of something that never came close to what he wanted. He used to tell me, “I wish you were thirty.” I’d ask him why because he said it so often in a breathy kind of way which told me he longed for it. he answered, “because you’ve be different..” I told him, I would always be me, no matter my age. It breaks my heart knowing I was never what he wanted and was never going to be. What did a number change?

Sometimes I think it’s me, like theres something wrong with me and thats why he couldn’t love me, but my heart knows better. I just wanted him to love me. I still do, and I don’t know how to let go of it. It’s hard. I guess that’s why there are so many broken heart songs in the world. Love leaves a scar and no matter what, no matter the songs you sing to get it out, no matter how many you tell about it, or how much you talk about it till people get sick of hearing it. It’s always there and your really in it alone, because truth is, no one understands a love like that until they feel it. When I love, I love hard. It’s how I am. I give it all I have without changing myself, which is mostly why it doesn’t work out. I wont change my creativity, or give up my beliefs etc. I want to be loved for me and I can’t pretend with someone, no matter how deeply I care for them. My soul wont let me, it’s like a promise i made with God and I keep my promises with my father. He has been there for me through every fall and rise and I will not turn my back on him, or our promises.

Love is lasting

But why do I have to love him when he will never love me?

 

Busy as Bee’s

My day has been non stop. I am serious, I feel like my mind is running a million miles an hour and I can’t wait for it to be bed time and I can have a nice hot bubble bath and relax. I had to do more shopping today and get a few more groceries since it’s easier then doing a huge shop in one shot considering I only have a stroller to put food in. Plus it allows me to go for a walk with the kids and they enjoy that a lot. So I looked into getting a Po Box because I have a few people interested in purchasing my paintings and also some that want to send me some fan mail which is pretty awesome I think. I have always wanted to get one and think now is definitely the right time to do so.

I am feeling really good about everything in my life right now, I have my beautiful healthy children who are a God’s send, I have my creativity that surprises me every day. I have a PO Box. I am looking into going back to school to redo my ECE so that I can work in B.C. I am also seeing a nice guy right now. Friends right now, we’ll see how that goes, I’m not in a rush, I am just enjoying time. I see my friend John on tuesday and have more plans from there. 🙂

I am getting a few more things for my place like rugs, lamps to brighten up and make the place more homey.

Life is good right now and it feels nice to stand tall and feel good knowing the negative people that were in my life were wrong and I really can meet nice people and accomplish what i want to if I just believe in myself and go for it. God will do the rest.

Next week is going to be busy, tomorrow I’m going over to my parents and my dad’s going to help me make my first resume and then Monday I have to take Mimi to the vet for her next needles/clipping/program and then go down to see about getting sponsored for school. Tuesday I have a play group for the kids and then John comes over. The rest of the week I’m not too sure what’s going on, hopefully resting. Ha! I am also planning on working on another painting, I have in mind.

Cute Is my Name

From the moment I was born my mom gazed upon me and named me a name that was later changed to Amandah and it went from Amandah to Mandah, to Mandie. I have had so many names it’s not even funny, though there is one name that I have been called since the moment of birth and I am starting to wonder if that should just be my name because it’s what I seem to be known as. It defines me.

“CUTE”

I am always called cute, I don’t know why, but it seems to be my name.

“hey Cutie” “Your a cutie.” “Wow, your cute.” “your so Cute”

Okay, I am Cute, if you say so.” Pinch my cheeks and call me cute.”

I am wondering, what makes me CUTE? I am not bothered by it at all, I think I’m cute to, I am a part of that, “Your cute” fad, but what makes me Cute to you? What is it about me?

My baby face, my personality, my heart, my young look, my creativity, my mind, my eyes, my hands, my look, my eye brows. Ha

Do tell me?

Here this will help you brainstorm ideas,

 

 

Throw out a dream

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve dreamed of being an artist professionally and I’ve dreamed of marrying a wonderful man, having children and living in a nice house with him forever, but none of that has happened. I married a man I had to beg to marry me, I got divorced, I became E famous for a year or two and got shit on by hundreds online and then I got into a relationship with a man I fell deeply in love with and thought was an angel sent to me from God, but turned out to be a devil who broke my heart and still causes me pain. He doesn’t even hardly talk to me or see me and I still feel pain from him. Pain of him cheating, pain of him wasting my life when he never even wanted a life with me and only wanted what most men want. I was with another guy who only wanted one thing and bought me gifts just to keep me around. I’ve had five beautiful children and hardly see three of them and three of them have disabilities and I feel bad about that. I live in a place all alone with my two youngest children and I don’t have any friends. My sister disowned me because she hates me for God knows what reason and I find I have absolutely no body to talk to but a computer screen to get some sort of virtual hug that everything will be okay.

I feel like I will never find anyone who will actually love me. I can throw a rock and hit so many guys I can be with who only want one thing, but I want a relationship, someone who will love me and care about me and take care of me. Someone who will be a great father to my children. I don’t want to be used. My ex’s write me about their lack of sex life, as though I will fill it. Makes me feel horrible, “is that all I’m good for?”

I have tried so many different forms of art I love and am passionate about and I have tried so dang hard to make it as an artist in so many areas and I have nothing to show for it but two self published books that don’t sell, a bunch of videos no one watched, poetry never read by any one more then five people and a few hanging painting on my wall that will probably never be bought by anyone. I feel like I lost. Like I should throw out my dreams of finding anyone and throw out my dream as an artist and just be some waitress, maid or cook some where making shit money at a place that will work my hands to the bones for the rest of my life and always wish I could have made it as an artist. Life never turns out how you want it, some people get lucky, I aint one of them. I’m tired of thinking positive that I will find someone and then find myself heart broken and unloved and struggling to get my art out there and feel good about something. Feel proud of something I accomplished.

I feel like a hamster, I run in a circle, but the only place I go is around and back where I started.

So.. throw out the dreams and just take one day at a time and hope something good comes out of it.

Plus even if I met a nice guy, I’m so terrified of getting hurt, I’d back out of it before it even got started. My ex broke me, completely broke me.

I’m thankful for my wonderful amazing children who I love more then anything, my parents who are always there for me and the fact that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I guess I shouldn’t complain.

I know some have less then that, I just feel really down, that my dreams are dying right before my eyes and I know it’s wrong but it makes me even more upset that the people who have hurt me have what I always wanted. Their career and a nice person by there side or their happy and successful and ain’t sad eyed like me. Lucky them. I guess hurting me, makes you rich.

I wish I would have Starved the haters and Fed the fans from the very beginning.

When you feed into the hatred around you and open the door and allow people in that hurt you and believe they will change you allow them to use you as stairs and they climb you until they are in the clouds of your dream and your in the dirt.

So throw out my dreams

Just be happy with me and my kids and stop looking up hoping for more because there aint nothing out there but what’s right here.

Happy Valentines Day

Gods Love

The other day there was this older guy who has a disability. He always says hi to everyone and my mom and I were in Timmy’s, I was treating her to breakfast as a thank you for all her help during moving, when he started up a conversation with us. I stayed mostly quiet. I don’t fell much like talking these days.

He and my mom were talking about sports and then about illness and less fortunate people and this man all of a sudden started talking to me about how no matter how hard things get to keep on trying and doing your best and God will do the rest. He was talking about how he doesn’t want to be pitied by people, he makes the best of what he has. I started crying and I had this overwhelming feeling rush over me and I shot up from my chair and threw my arms around this man. I told him, “Your such a good person.” “You have an amazing heart.” “Thank you for sharing it with me”

Then I got the hell out of there. I hate crying in front of people, but I couldn’t help it. I had never witnessed full on, someone what appears to have so many physical challenges, but his look on life is so beautiful. There isn’t many people out in the world like that and when you meet one it takes you by surprise. I also felt like God was talking through him by what he said and the feeling that came over me.

I needed to heart it.

Have you ever felt this before? the power, the love of God shine through someone so strong it knocks you off your feet?

I have

I’ve met a few people in my life who have brought tears to my eyes, but this was different. It was like witnessing something so beautiful. I couldn’t believe his heart and how strong it was, yet how fragile he was on the outside.

 

A Lonely Heart

An overwhelming pulling at my heart tugs and I try to ignore it. It’s now been a full year since I’ve had someone by my side, but if we’re talking sweethearts. I don’t believe I’ve ever had one. Not really.

I think about him a lot. The guy I’d like to be with some day. I know it’s probably not for a long time until we do. People tell me girls like me wont find someone. I can’t believe that though. I dont want to lose my hope. I know I deserve a good man by my side. For this valentines day though, he’s not here and I find myself alone, which as the days tick closer I feel the pulling at my heart. I can’t tell if its the pain of a family member hurting me, or if its my being alone thats weighing most on me. Perhaps its a bit of both. I’ve been through so much heart ache and each time I feel a little better it;s like someone else begins their rath.

Vivid Painting

For the past few weeks I have been dreaming of the same image I want to paint. I keep seeing the shadows of it and how to draw it and how to paint it in. I see it being a medium to large piece and it is so peaceful and beautiful and has a sweet love about it. I am in love with this painting now, that I will create. I have know idea why it keeps reappearing, but it is so beautiful, one that I will have to frame and hang on my own wall if it turns out the way I see in my dreams.

I am still learning about the whole process of selling my paintings, once I get started, like how to duplicate the images so that I may keep the originals and sell the duplicates. I’d like to keep the originals for my wall and my own memory and enjoyment. It would be so great to inspire others to purchase my work and for them to want to hang my pieces on their own walls. That would be so great to see and hear about. If anyone does purchase my paintings in the future I hope they will share a picture of it hanging and post it under my page Paintings on my blog here. 🙂

Also if anyone knows how I may duplicate a painting from a canvas to another so that others may purchase, please let me know.

Is it odd that I am more excited about getting into my new place to plaint this piece, then I am to unpack and set up?  Ha! that usually never happens, I’m usually a decorating fanatic when I move in, but I am so looking forward to painting this piece, it’s insane. It’s just so beautiful and to think it all started with my mommyboo describing a picture she wants to find for hanging above her fireplace and all of a sudden a piece came to me, inspired by this image she described to me. Only I added a few things to it that i thought brought more life and love to the piece.

 

 

Dream Of Symbolisms

Ever since I was a young girl and I am just going to narrow that down to the first memory of having “A gift” as many would call it, though I used to think of it as more of a curse for the most part growing up. I was eight when I saw my first spirits and got my first visions. I am a tad psychic, I say that because I don’t want others to misunderstand what I mean by it. I do not give out readings, nor do I deal tarot cards. I am a tad because my inner voice is strong and my dreams and visions show and tell me things about the past, present and future. I do not choose which I see, or am given.

My visions come in symbolisms as do dreams. Most dreams are built of in symbolisms, but everything is for me, even my drawings i hear are perceived as such, which doesn’t at all surprise me.

As you all know I am packing and I packed my dream catcher way too early, I know many do not believe in them, but I do. Very strongly, because they have helped me and it does require belief in them to help as well.

Last night I had a bad dream again because I didn’t have my dream catcher which usually slows them down, or lessens their strength. If you understand what I mean by that. I had a warning dream, I know that because I could feel the meaning of the dream as it was happening and after it was happening. Now my dreams continue, I am not sure any one else’s do as such, but mine do. I will have a dream, good or bad and once it’s ended it will continue to an after part and I don’t mean that the story will continue, I mean it will be I woke up from my dream within my dream and life will go on and I will have my dream knowledge in my dream as I continue another. I know that sounds confusing.

My dream was about my ex as most of mine are because of his strong connection to my soul. I know this sounds weird and most perceive it as, “your just not over him,” but I am and I know exactly what it is. I have, from the moment I felt his energy, known something. Something of the strength that twines its way around us. Now this connection is only given strength through acceptance. As human beings we must understand the powers of energy in this world, good or bad. We all send out energy and there are other energy’s that come towards us that we attract, good or bad and it is in our choices and acceptance of these energy’s that we choose to let in that give them power. Okay, so my ex has always had a strong energy, I can sense him. I can feel when he thinks of me, or speaks of me. I can feel when he’s about to write or text me, I know because I have even tested this theory. Even in times when I feel his anger towards me and he has a thought of, “I am not going to talk to her again” the anger settles and I feel him thinking to try again. I hope I’m making sense here. “come on Mandie, get to the point already!” ha!

So my dream was a warning about my ex and it isn’t always as it shows me in the images, that is something I have come to understand from the many years I have lived. “There I go talking like I’m a thousand years old again.” ha!

In this dream I perceive as bad, only because the energy of it was a warning, but that could also be perceived as good as can many things. “Man! will this story ever come out?”

I was letting my ex visit his son as I normally do and he was being nice as he usually tries to act as in person. “ACT” Okay, so he asked me if he could take his son out for lunch or get milk or something, I can’t quite remember what it was for, but for some reason his nice behavior made me say yes. So I got him ready and I let him take him out for an hour at the most he said. It was early, around lunch time when he left with him and I went about my day until about 3. That’s when I got this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach which let me know that my ex had made a decision to cross me. Cross me, meaning, “go against me.” Dishonor my wishes if I may.

I called him and I asked him why he wasn’t back yet and he started talking nasty to me, saying he was going to keep him and cross the border and it was his turn. I became upset as I would and I started crying and pleading with him on the phone which he found amusing and i could feel his thoughts and feelings of, “Now I have the power” Which told me he thinks of me as “having the power of the situation” Which is totally true since he’s actually said to me things as such. I threatened him over the phone at first and it didn’t work, he wasn’t afraid of what I said and so I pleaded and begged I would do anything if he would just bring him home. He hung up on me and I started walking back home, which was the last apartment building where I had lived which was odd to me because I don’t live there no more and then I realized it was because that was the place where all the arguments in our relationship were. That is like the core of the dream, so that tells me that this dream was a past. What he used to think and feel towards me. Wanting power over me and enjoying it and getting back at me. That, is a bad energy that I accepted into my life. Okay so that part of my dream showed me the past.

The dream ended and I was with my family and it was the present, because I was moving into my new apartment I am now, but I wasn’t in it yet. My ex was there, only he was at a family gathering with me, unexpectedly of course. My dad made dinner for everyone and I had a chicken burger and was eating it. My ex looked at me and insulted me, telling me not to eat the way i was, I wont say the insult, but lets just leave it as. He insulted the way I ate and told me not to do it because it was embarrassing for him.

So this tells me, in the present. That he wants to be accepted by the people around me and that he is embarrassed by me and does not have caring for me at all. Does not care if my feelings are hurt, only that he is perceived as the “good guy” and the guy I let get away.

This dream to me was a warning in a sense that it does not want me to allow this energy to fallow me to my new place, that’s why it did not show me the future in it. It is saying… there is a bad energy here with this person in my life and I must always be careful not to accept it. In the present part of the dream I walked away from his insult and shrugged it off and didn’t allow it to upset me and he walked after me continuing to press the insult in and for me to become affected by it, but I wasn’t. it was just so “OLD” to me.

I hope this makes sense.

Also at the end of the dream I was away from him and he was watching me from a distance and I knew he was, but I ignored it. I was writing on my face book that I had a bad dream and then I wrote a blog about it and I was having trouble writing it because my mind kept going blank as to how to write it and what to say, to be respectful in my writing. Not give out names etc and when I was writing, “I had a bad dream about…” and stopped to think, my ex looked to me and all of a sudden he was right in front of me, his face right there with this cocky smirk. “What was your dream about?” but he said it in a sarcastic kind of way, like he was toying with me and already knew what I was going to write and what it was about., but I didn’t care. I didn’t make a big deal over that he knew things like I did before they happened type thing, like I used to. I was kinda like, “What ever..”

Then I woke up.

I guess I passed the dream testing.