My take on human-interactions faults

People thrive off of human-interaction.

As you know it’s very essential to what makes us who we are and how we view the world around us and most importantly, how we then treat others.

I would like to strongly note that this is merely my opinion and mine alone, I do not claim this information to be what is accurate or mean judgement on what I cover here. This is merely my view… Thank you for reading.

Every day we interact with people of all kinds, with different back grounds and experiences that have shaped us along the way. I for one have lived a hard life and I don’t add that lightly. What I have had to experience has had a huge impact on how I view the world and the ways people interact.

There is a fault that I have noted for many years of my existence and allow me to dive into that now.

I was bullied as a child in school, my family is what you would call “not average”  We were loud and obnoxious and most of us would hang with the groups you would call, “a bad influence.” But in truth that is merely masking the depth which is merely “Our choice in company based on who we find comfort in.”

I’ve had many instances where authority figures, “male” would try to control my actions and who I am. Men who would turn my kindness and trust in people into an easy target. Someone who they believed because of my good nature that I could be easily manipulated and when I couldn’t… Well lets just say it caused emotional trauma towards me.

What we go through shapes us as individuals either positively or in a negative way in order to survive and walk on from our encounters and experiences. I have taken the positive way. Things I have experienced, human interactions that caused me trauma has caused me to think deep and really look at the depth at all angles and understand it. As you probably already gathered through your own is without understanding, knowledge is mute.

The faults in human-interaction stand out to me like colorful bricks in front of me, when before were blurs I couldn’t focus in on until I went soul searching to really understand the underlining scars that human-interaction has caused in me. I do not place blame because if not for my lack of understanding and my inability to know what was feel good from what was bad, being an abused child and teen… I had what you would call, if I may… “An innocent outlook”

I see time and time again through observing and experience that when people interact most are very unkind with their words. Not aware of the impact their words will have on those around them; but the thing that baffles me the most is that people like this relate well to another and it is seen as a good thing so it keeps happening. No one evolves. Not to say that it’s impossible. We lack the understanding of the effects, only looking to ourselves and that alone.

There is a lack of compassion for others and I find that many cannot relate to people who see the world for what it is and understand that we need a positive interaction. It strengthens who we are, we rely on others to help us and when there isn’t anyone we must settle for ourselves. Reassuring and reading… becoming a loner by survival.

Things that need to change are as follows…

People need to look within and understand why they express their selves in anger, passive-aggressive behaviour, defensive and closed off.

When interacting with others, have an openness to really get to know the depth of someone. By understanding and listening to their words and what they are trusting to share with you.

Do not try to bring down someone to relieve stress that you feel, instead put it on the table and ask for them to take a moment to listen to something you need to share and receive comfort or understanding on.

Have the ability to be non-judgemental and supportive, you can have an opinion which is very essential in remaining true to ones self, but be open on where it’s coming from and choose your moments.

Do not be a side liner who notices someone struggling to carry something or needing a friend or a hug and making the decision to turn your back on them because it would interfere with your day. Like they are an inconvenience.

Don’t set people on a list of importance, this isn’t a competition, everyone matters. If a tree falls in the woods is it still heard? Yes I believe it is, the universe is alive, trees are alive, roots are alive… something or someone heard it. Scientifically I find this to be correct, therefore it still holds importance.

Be kind to people. Despite everything you have endured, despite the bitterness it caused you and the people that treat you with unimportance during your hardest times.. or best of times. Be kind anyways because the fault in human-interaction is lack of caring for those around us and what we hold precious.

Our opinions, our views, our experience and knowledge and that fact that we exist and are striving to go on no matter the rejection we receive through simply being who we are.

Some are blessed to have a surrounding of people that do this act of kindness and give where they can through interaction.

Then there are the unlucky ones like myself, who have little to no good interactions that help bring us comfort in good and bad that goes on during our everyday lives and can only turn to ourselves or a higher power to provide such things as a way of survival.

So be kind in words and actions because without knowledge and understanding one cannot evolve beyond what we are.

Human!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Repressed Memory

Beauty is not defined by its outer lining, but by its centerfold.

I feel as though everything had led up until this exact moment. All the uphill climbs and struggles, the confusion and sleepless nights that played shadows on the walls in my bedroom and the haunting feeling that swam beneath my skin and crawled on the hairs up my back, until I couldn’t breathe and felt as though I was being smothered by a blanket of storm, that danced rainstorms on my temples and kept pounding.

It’s safe to say that everything was a step closer to recovering something that would fit the puzzle back together and help me through the rest of my life. A piece that would bring me back, because up until this moment I was lost and I had no idea of it.

It’s amazing how little we take in what is really going on inside of our minds and much of what we encounter and interpret is made up from the makeup of our journey through childhood, up through adulthood.

I lay in a clear water bath, surrounded by candlelight and there is silence with me. Complete and utter silence, there are no clouds above me, or foggy memories behind locked doors. There is just me, silence and a warm watered tub and I am finally at peace. I could die at this moment and I would have lived a great life because of this. This moment of recovery that took place on a horrible night that made me feel as though the walls of my world were closing in. My whole life leading up until this moment has felt this way, but as it got closer, as did these walls that shook my world and caused so much anger and pain. Some of which I turned on other people without recognition of it, because I didn’t understand. Nothing made sense, no body made sense to me and I couldn’t handle the noise. It was so loud all the time, there were so many thoughts swirling through my mind and they hit walls and doors that stayed locked up and feelings pressed at my temples and pain raged in thunder through my veins and I felt like I was under water. Everything moved quickly, and nothing seems right to me. I felt unsafe and as though at any moment I could break, but how can you break what is already broken?

I called myself a broken girl the moment I became aware of everything I locked up tight. I ranted on and on, with a drink in my hand about how I didn’t have a great father and what I remember of him.

I went on and on about the men who hurt me, mostly about my father and I began becoming angry. I was angry with how I was treated, I was angry with my life and my constant pain that kept coming in waves. I was angry with my boyfriend and how nothing was working out with him and how everything just didn’t make sense to me. I was angry with the people in my life who had hurt me and most of which I didn’t understand the reasons of. I was angry with the emptiness and unknowing of what was next. I was angry with myself and then out of nowhere, with the pole of a broom I was swinging around randomly as a security object I needed to speak with, I spoke the words without thinking. They rolled off my tongue, in all my rage. I spoke of how I was molested as a child. I was eight and the memory flooded in and I had to repeat myself and I dropped my security object and tears flooded my eyes and I was caught in the arms of my boyfriend who held me tightly as I relived what I had locked away as a very young child who couldn’t cope with the realities of this memory that just snuck up on me through a drunken rambling, on a horrible dark night.

I had my bags packed, ready to leave and start life all over again, I had sat in the shower an hour earlier on the floor and let the water hit my face after chugging back a glass of rum and coke. I blared my music, loud as I could from my cell phone and my pain circled me as it always had. It closed in on me and I tried to disappear in this tiny shower stall, but when I opened my eyes, I was still there and the music blared in a quiet tone, my thoughts were too loud.

Now in the quiet, I am at peace. I feel like myself again, the one I lost, the one that got taken by a bad man who did terrible things, none should ever have to experience. I hate him for what he did and I don’t understand how it could have happened to me, but it did and I hate that the memories of it are now in images and I can see and feel everything, when before it was simply just a vague memory, I just knew something like that happened, I didn’t have any memory in images of it, I didn’t face it. It was there, but it wasn’t. Now it’s here and the door is wide open and all the birds of blackness have flown out and the room is silent and I can see again. I can feel again and the clouds are gone. Everything makes sense to me and nothing comes in foggy images and nothing sounds like it’s under water in a sense that I can’t hear what’s happening, the way it’s happening. The anger is lifted, the sadness, I have the understanding. I don’t look for ways to fight love off, because love is not the enemy here.

I am free and my wings are stretched out wide and I feel like at any moment I can take flight, but I’ll wait for just a few more moments. I will enjoy the view from outside the darkness and admire my strength to stand here. In the light, I can stand here and I finally know that I am safe to, there isn’t a monster coming to tell me secrets tonight, and there isn’t a monster coming to shatter my innocence. They are memories, they are scars and they may be a part of me, but they will never consume me anymore because I have allowed them out from their hiding place and awoken from the darkness that suppressed them.

Life is okay now and that is better than how it was.

I’m okay, with being okay.

For me, it’s what works, right now.

One Scary half hour

There is nothing more terrifying then opening your pantry cupboard and finding a family of pantry moths who have invited their cousins and friends and their families to your food supply that you absentmindedly forgot to seal up properly. Bags and bags of sugary foods for baking and cooking with families and friends gathering for a new home that will keep them fed for years.
NO! NOT LISOl!
You better believe I stepped up and took action on those pests and started whacking the shit outta those shit faces and spraying their families until they fell or splattered dead as I shouted, “TELL YOUR FAMILY’S Tell Your Friends. I SHALL BE YOUR DOOM!”
I do not like bugs, any bug, doesn’t matter what the hell it is, I am terrified of it.

Just look at that thing.
Yes I know, they look a lot more creepy up close and personal, in an image that enhances every detail because gawd knows, we want to examine them close up right?
I don’t like bugs! at all! not one little bit!
I love butterflies, but you better believe I don’t let them get near me because I can see their creepy little insect bodies when their too damn close to me and their beauty suddenly disappears. It’s like, “Ohh how beautiiii… ohhhh gawd, get away. AHHHH!”
Yes that’s me.
I get freaked out from lady bugs.

Well, you can all rest easy knowing that my cupboards are now free from these things and my trash is full of them along with their hotels of my bags of supplies they’ve made home in.

ENJOY THE GARBAGE, SHIT HEADS!

Post Surgery

On July 9th 2013 I under went another surgery, but this was for tying my tubes because I have decided I do not want to have any more children for many personal reasons. It took me awhile to feel comfortable with undergoing the surgery, but when the time came for me to i set the surgery up and was ready for it. I was told the recovery of it would be fast and most woman get right back to doing everyday things the next day. I found this not to be the case with me. I have just started feeling a bit better to the point I can move around and do certain things on my own, but I am still fairly sore and need meds to help with pain and I also get tired very easily so i need to rest a lot still.

I have had help from my mother and boyfriend through this process. my boyfriend has been so supportive and caring through my recovery and has been wonderful with our children and myself. I couldn’t have asked for a better man in our lives. I am so thankful for him and find myself thanking god throughout my day that he is in my life. I don’t know what I have done without him all my life, that’s how much he has become a part of me. I love him so much.

As you can see, I still have to wear my bandages, believe it or not they were larger then this when I first came home from the hospital on three doses of morphine and tylonal 3. So I was pretty out of it when I got home for awhile. My boyfriend says it was pretty cute to watch, i remember here and there but not everything. i remember him being very sweet with me. ❤ But he always is really sweet, I love that about him.

So here are my war wounds, i am hoping once the bandages come off, my tummy wont look hideous with scaring or anything. i already feel self conscience with my stretch marks as it is, so I am really hoping this doesn't leave a noticeable scar. My babe says I look beautiful and sexy all the time though and always makes me feel beautiful no matter what, so I think even if there is some scaring, his love will make it less and less noticeable in my eyes because the way he see's me. 🙂

SO a few more days and I should be able to take the bandages off and be feeling a lot better, or so I hope. I have to see my doctor again in two weeks and then another 6 weeks as well, but after that I am good. 🙂 I hope i heal up real well and the recovery doesnt take too long for me.

Guilty Pleasures

Beginning ways of hidden treasure
beyond the eyes is my forever
a walk of kindness a dance of darkness
hands of yellow his eyes of fire balls
Burning lungs of distant stains
they lay their love beneath their mane

Token taken from my hands
My heart is sealed to one forever
I dare not speak, my feelings quiver
They walk a line I’ve drawn for centuries
Living by the hands of now
far from the plan I have on measure
beyond my help I cannot help them
I once again am rendered helpless

I watch as they begin to shelter
In smokey clouds and thumbly footsteps
I hold their hand and walk beside them
My love keeps me here no matter their pleasures

I pray for change, fore I was blinded
Blinded by their smoke and their guilty pleasures

Will their ways turn into starlight
Or are they waiting for me to bath in all their pleasures
The girl I was never
The girl I will never be

If only love was a cure, but their is no cure
to someone’s pleasures

Do I speak, or dance in cloudy circles surrounding me

Touching Stone

Life seemed pretty traitorous and I stepped on a lot of stones along the way and fell into a shit load of holes that caused me the challenges to try and climb out without completely cutting the shit out of myself and falling back in. I have had a hard journey and through it have gained experience and insight that will guide me through the next challenges that I am to face. Life is like that, sometimes I want to scream at it and say, What the Hell!

Its mind-blowing the way it sneaks up on you and its full of blessings when it gives you love and wondrous gifts along the way which dont make any sense within your situation. I will never understand life on planet Earth. Being an alien and all, how can I. This planet is strange and much to my surprise filled with many people i dont like.

I would like to meet life and form some sort of understanding and be able to walk without falling in the many holes it keeps casting infront of my feet and for right now i see clear road ahead of me, but if life is planing a whole nother hole for me to fall into, we are going to have to have a big discussion because its so not cool. I know Im not making any sense and at this point your now curious minds are spinning like mice in a hamster cage thinking it leads to cheese. i dont really have a point though and Im not trying to give out any information. This blog has absolutely no point, its just for entertainment of my mind. I felt like writing and this is what my hands typed. blame the writer.

It could be because Im alien, that seems to be my excuse for everything, and a good one at that. Making sense isn’t part of the alien brain, we are confusing and unpredictable and sexy little beings we are. We are full of life and love and passion and will make your mind do flips and send your heart on an adventurous rollarcoasters until you throw us off a few times too many and then we will fly through the sky like a bird and land in someone else’s world and begin again until we find that special human or alien who can walk on our level and sing from the same tune or eat from the same fruit.

Making any sense yet… dont answer that, just keep reading and maybe i will come to my point. I doubt it though, i just want you to read my blog because its why i write it. I like to entertain and I like to make you think and gain insight even if that means not learning anything but how to raise one of your eyes brows and say, okay… that was… and click the tab that sends you away from my blog only to come back to it later to raise another eye brow. I am just that awesome.

So since i have rambled and wasted about 2 minutes of your time and caused you to raise your eye brows probably a few times I will end with a poem, since you all seem to adore my poetry for what ever reasons you do. I dont blame you, who doesn’t like something alien, right.

Sounding solids in mystic time

there is a calling for mystic rhymes

in times of need we sound our chimes, but sounds of bells bring mountain tides

waters wave from left to right

sun burns bright of flames of light

we cover bodies we cover lies

your evil ways have caused blood lines

begin their journey, begin their time

here come the walkers, prepare your knives

scratch no service of uplifted flies

end all suffering from your countless tries

lay so still on a watery ground

angels calling, here comes Gods nine

Break over mountains, burn down the shields

no armor can destroy what is written in lives

sound the trumpets, sound the song

red ribbon the magic of the new found land of everlasting love

touching stone was his beard of flowers that hung

His sandles of gold, laced through his toes

his eyes of bright blue, he stares out at you

unto the souls who raise in their riches

unto the wicked who lay down in sicken

unto the soles of feet who dont listen

your lips bleed of lies, yet you are forgiven

unto the good, the fair and the healers

unto the hearts of pure and skin of sunlight

here is a scripture, here is a land

here is a word that will protect you from wicked

here is a rope you may travel together

here in a song we can sing forever

God smiles in each, upon to you

Today, we are touching stone

This day will come soon

Lips Of Gold

In a second moment, gives a chance

In a moment, life can make you dance

In a solid step you take your risk, you spin your feet and twirl your hair out from the sheets

You take flight in a meadow, where grass grows green and flowers bloom bright, of purples and pinks

on lips you taste heaven on silk and sink your soul into your feet

In a letter I wrote and a prayer it was heard on a softened cheek

In a stare he whispered, in a breath he spoke words he could not speak

Upon a rooftop beneath the stars, this is the magic that dances in my arms

In one moment a world can change

in one moment a life can shift from salty tears to kiss of pearls

In a breath a heart can begin to beat

In this moment he came to me

I Do Not Know This Man, Do You?

Inner peace of sacred mind. Spirt bound of countless time. He knows no bounds to what he thrives, he knows no mercy to my vines. He takes and does not give no line, he waves his hand and throws his wine. I dare not gaze upon his eyes, he glares of hatred, my tongue is tied. I know no words he speaks his lines, I know no way to meet his size. Over shadows he glares me down, above my collar he holds his time. Dare he speak his words of false truth. Dare he cast his useless fruit of bitter taste on bitter tongue. Dare he stare me down in hate, with witness eyes behind windows pine. Dare he point and snicker loud, dare he sing his pride aloud. Religious hat he seals his crown, but behind his feathers he strikes me down. His words of swords, he dares to pry.

I know not of this man, I know not of his ways. I know not of his wisdom of false face. I know not of his hands, he has no touch, his voice is silent and his eyes are blind. I do not know this man who stares, who cuts me down and points his prize. I do not know this man, not I.

Tricky tongue of saucy hands, his hair grows long and his shadows fade. He paints his portrait, you force your gaze. This man is not who he claims to be, he is not your friend and not in faith. I do not know this man, do you?

Life Is A Coconut

Sometimes life cuts you short and casts you out and no matter how many weights hold you down you fight to lift them off of you. Strength is internal and it rises in us each time we fall, it is to a virus as it is to a cell fighting it off and once it finds the cure it remembers how to over come it. We come through many obstacles in life and some of the most challenging are the ones that connect to our emotional core. My heart is a song and it plays what I feel. My mind is a scrabble board always trying to think of the right words to make the best move forward. My life casts so many shadows and every ray of light that catches my eyes I take a moment and breathe in and out and take a second to capture what I am about to step into. I have learned to slow down and pear out. I have learned to enjoy and how to use my emotions and words in the best ways I can. I have learned many things, but none prepare you for the next obstacle you have no logic or experience in. Life is a coconut.

I just wanna break the damn thing open and taste the milk inside and eat from the core, but it’s hard outer layer protects the flavor, the magic inside from damage and false taste. It allows us the ability to gain patience and structure and strength. it gives us the possibility to find our own way in and enjoy what lies within.

When will I taste of it’s magic… when will I swim in my silky bath of goodness and devour the secret withheld at hand.

My life is a Coconut

Cheers to that!

Publishing Update

Everything has been decided and I spent two hours last night creating the perfect illustration for my front cover and finally managed to get it the way I liked it and I am so happy with it and I managed to get it past the resolution requirements. So this rocks my socks in a jiggle. I am so excited my belly’s shooting rainbows. My availability book on the Authorhouse website will be May 30th. So be the first to order yours when that happens. I still have to review the cover and interior of my book and a few other things, but other then that the process is moving along as planned.

Here is the Illustration for the cover of my book, All rights of it are owned by me.

 

Milky Moon

Milky moon, of sunset shadows

Casting eyes on flower pillows

Upon a bed of feather fluff, I gaze upon your smile

My head rests calmly on your chest

Our hands connect through palms that sweat

Heat of fire, the summer sun

Burning brightly, above our intertwined bodies of arms and legs

Stare into your soul, my eyes peer into yours

I see all your wonder in one single breath

Holding hands I hold on tightly, dare not to let go of love at last

Holding hearts in hands so tender

I will keep you safe, I will rock you gently

Lay beneath a bridge of water

Waves of ocean blanket us slowly

Sinking down we float to sand, but in your arms I hold no fear

For in your arms is my heaven

Under milky moons, that wake the thunder

Life

Life

It takes you by surprise. The moment you think you have it together is the moment it falls apart, but sometimes it is that moment that is the most important. It changes us and pulls us together and gives us strength. It awakens us to the importance around us. My life is much like that. My life is an egg. One crack and it’s undone and it can’t seal back together. Instead I break out, crack by crack until I’m whole again.

I’ve had to grow up fast. I raised my sister’s children while they dealt with life’s struggles. I was in high school. I had many struggles of my own. I had trouble in school, I have a learning delay I have struggled with my whole life. I never got help for it, I was seen as the student who didn’t care and maybe I didn’t. After being ignored and pushed away and having so much struggle, that you begin to not care so much, but deep down I always did. Of course I hid that.

So I helped take care of my niece and nephew. I struggled in school, I dealt with sexual harassment from my teacher and councilor and at home I dealt with my brother who picked on me, m two sisters trying to kill each other and my parents separating. Every day had a new test to teach me and every night had a new reason for me to give up, but I am a fighter. When I’d fall, I’d find a reason and keep going. life shapes us. It molds us into who we are.

My life went by quickly, I got married young and had a family. I dealt with the crazy in laws you only hear about or watch on tv. I dealt with the memories of my past that used to haunt me. I dealt with the judgements that followed me for doing the one thing I enjoy and feel good about. Life is a constant struggle.

I’ve dealt with a possessive, abusive ex whose only motive was to get back at me for all the wrong in his life. I’ve been, used, abused and abandoned, but I’ve also been loved, wanted and adored by the few closest people in my life. Including my five children who are my love, my world.

I dont believe I was a good mother when I was married. I was young and naive and I wasn’t a very good wife. I was sad and I kind of lost myself. I was blind to the thoughts and ideas that my children had disabilities and I struggled.

They are now in the good care of my ex and his family who hated me, but I rest easy knowing I made the right choice in it. Knowing they are getting the very best care and support. My ex has a huge support system and I am so thankful for that and my children are happy and I am happy because of that, but I am also sad because I couldn’t be strong enough for them.

I have two beautiful boys in my care and no girlfriends to talk to, no man to come home to, but I have love and hope and strength. I have dreams and God in every moment.

Life is a struggle, it is an uphill climb and there will be sunshine. Every day you struggle, make a ray of light shine. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, don’t be afraid to reach out. Don’t lose sight of possibility and dont hide behind tears of struggle that are truly your strength.

I’m an easy target, I wear my heart on my sleeve. i care, I reach out, I give without having.

I’m an easy target, I am young and have five children.

People judge my situation, my personality, my mind, my experiences, my past and my struggles.

My strength is hidden behind my constant struggle to be OKAY.

I know you are like me in a lot of ways.

I know you can relate to me.

Together we can be a strength instead of a struggle. It is together, we can see all shades to someone, you are blind to.

Life really is short and we really do take for granted the strengths in others.

Life is a foundation.

It needs support and love and passion. It needs to be understood and wanted. It needs to grow.

We can do that just by welcoming and opening ourselves to a new light you only saw darkness in. people are shades until they are colors.

Let us not judge.

Let us not cast out our differences.

Let us accept and welcome.

but most of all, Let us nurture one another

for the ones that are not

for you and for me

We struggle together but we also strengthen and grow together

That is the beauty of

LIFE

Kiss A Whisper

To stare.

To gaze upon beauty in one glance.

To accept love as love is

To notice, without thorns or bruises, without shadows

To love, with heart and soul and in hope

Red, as fire it burns it captures all light

Green it heals and enlightens those or pure heart

Walk, with me as my friend

Speak, in whispers of secrets of the heart

Touch is to taste, to kiss on thy lips of heavenly grace

To stare into eyes of blue, to cast away shadows on face but dance them on walls at heavenly pace

Remember the feeling, the voice and the smell

Breathe in a moment and stand at the gate

Awaiting one

waiting long

Patient in heart

waiting

not long

kiss upon heavenly face

 

Pure Souls

A rare find in life is a soul that is of purity. In the darkness we live in there are light walkers, scattered around the world.

What is a pure soul?

A pure soul is a soul of no sin. It is a soul that has either never sinned or has been completely forgiven by God and no sin touches their heart or soul. Protected by God’s holy light. I was told I am one. I know how, that may appear to others. The judgment that entails. I do not claim to know more than you, nor better than you. My knowledge is not of my own, but of my beloved one’s in the kingdom of God that rests in each of us.

For as long as I can remember I have had my connection with God and the spiritual Whelm that surrounds us, even if it is not seen, or touched, or believed by those of closed eyes. It exists and because it exists, here I am and here I am to teach you.

There is so much unspoken and not understood and so much that may never have answers for your curious tongues that seek proof of such things, but do know that I will give what I know on times when I am given them. Like today.

What makes me a pure soul?

When I met with a wise woman, as I have met many wise in my time here so far, drown to each other we are and we learn and seek that messages that are sought out to us at that time for future use. it is the same method Dreams are and visions. Messages. This particular wise woman told me that my soul is pure and that either I have not sinned, or my sins have not been sewn to my spirit, they were forgiven or not seen in God’s eyes. I do not know if it is because I am of pure soul as an original, or if it is because I ask for forgiveness for everything I think is wrong that I have done and not only say the words, but mean it and change from what I have done. I learn from it and gain strength from it. See, many refuse to see the truth of forgiveness, they believe the words said make it true, but there is no worth to words without truth behind them and God see’s through all. If you are asking, he is watching and he will give you forgiveness.

Have you ever met a pure soul?

 

Breathe

Even moment, in sudden step

A curiosity on life in a blossoming flower, the spring has come. I taste it’s kiss.

The breeze on my face I feel Gods beauty, I feel hope and faith and joy. I feel Gods grace.

There is a song of birds that play around me. They sing a prayer to the falling sun, each song a new prayer, each prayer and new day.

My heart in symphony I hear it’s words. I see all meaning in each glance. The water in waves in the far off distance it kisses the shore, the rocks, the earth in each wave forward and each wave back. There is music in the world to ears that listen it is why homeless hold signs of God, why they say prayers, why they give with nothing in arms.

They hear God.

Can you hear his voice, feel his love in each breath you take?

Take one moment with me, for one moment escape.

From work, from kids, from noise and stand outside at night fall on a quiet street and close your eyes. Her your breath, feel the breeze on your skin, or the rain. Now take a deep breath in and hold it.

What do you feel?

Focus on that breath you captured, that moment your holding, the piece of God inside of you. It fills you, it calms and protects you. it gives you meaning and knowledge, it feeds you youth and it gives you strength.

When you have forgotten this, remember to breathe

capture a moment

God is inside and all around you

You can feel it, if you just listen and look beyond what is before you, beyond what you are

Breathe

Invisible

Do you ever feel like no ones really listening to you, that you are on your own and people merely interact with you because they feel they have to, instead of wanting to because they actually care for you or because they enjoy your company?

I feel like that all the time, even by my family I feel that way. I have always been seen as different, it was even something I classified myself as growing up. I never fitted in with anyone, I was always different from the others and so many said so. I had friends growing up here and there and had popular moments, but I was always considered unique or different to everyone. I guess I am. I am a mix of things instead of just being one specific thing, if that makes any sense at all. I have a very rounded personality that has a bit of everything. Sometimes I think it’s a curse because I have always felt alone in life. No one I can relate to and who can relate to me.

Lately I’ve been feeling more so this way, I am almost thirty and I have accomplished having children. That is about it and I don’t have what I always wanted since a young girl, which is to be happily married and a family with a man who loves me and I him. I know that takes it’s own time and I must be patient and let love find me instead of searching no matter how desperately I want it, it will only end in disaster if I search, I have proven that.

I just wish I had a friend, or someone, anyone I can just talk with and who really gets me and enjoys my company. My mother has been my best friend for years, but lately, well for awhile now she’s seemed different, like she’s not listening to me. I will talk to her and she will not respond to what I’m talking about at all, or change the subject as though what I have to say isn’t important, which is how I’ve always been treated so I should be used to it. I feel like I have never made her proud in life. I do long for that still, I have tried so hard to succeed at something, anything, but I never get there. I always fall short, but that doesn’t stop me from keep trying.

Today I sat around just thinking, do you ever have those days where you just do a soul searching day, where your just constantly in a dream, thinking to yourself about your life and what you really want and what you really feel and what really matters to you?

I want to be in love with someone who loves me the same if not more, I want to be successful at my writing. I want my mother to be proud of me and I want a friend who enjoys my company. I also would like to finally be heard by others, to know that my voice matters and that what I have to say is just as important.

I have never asked for much, not even in a relationships, maybe that’s my problem, who knows.

I just feel.. alone.

So today as I mentioned, I thought and I thought and then I took a long look at my children who are my most important, my loves, my world and it made me smile because they are the best thing in my life. Without them I don’t know how I would be able to get up every morning and keep going. They give me reason to smile, and to laugh and to enjoy life. They give me hope that it will get better and they give me strength for today and the days that fallow. Out of everything in my life, they were the one thing I got right. I wouldn’t change having them for the world.

Yes life has been hard growing up for me, I have had a bad childhood, and I know many will say that, but I have been through things a young child shouldn’t of had to and I wouldn’t wish my life and my experiences on anyone. I had it rough, but even though I did I still tell my self, some have it worse and I know some do. Anything worse then my life is pretty awful and my heart goes out to everyone like me and unlike me. I just want to be love in life. Who doesn’t. That is the one thing I’ve wanted through life and I can’t seem to get it, it’s always half loved, or tolerated. So many have told me they just tolerate me like I’m hard to love, or live with and then perfect strangers tell me I have so much empathy for others and compassion and I know I do. I cry when I see someone hurt, i feel others pain, I try so hard to cheer someone sad up, I can’t stand crowds because I am sensitive to everyones energy and emotions. So I just don’t understand others view on me. People I have talked with about it say it’s jealousy, but I think to myself… jealousy of what exactly, my life isn’t even close to perfect and either am I.

I try to be a better person then I was yesterday each day that goes by. I’m never going to be perfect, or a saint, I’m just like you.

I will never understand what separates me. Still to this day i don’t get it.

Jesus once told me, when I was going through a bad time as a teenage, I was being teased and picked on. A large classroom mocked me and made fun of me saying I was the messenger of God and that I was a witch because I could predict things, long story.. but I had a hard time and I used to see Jesus. He would visit me and I know many wont believe me, but each to their own. I asked him, why they make fun of me, and why people seem to hate me so much and he said in the kind understanding way that he does… “Mandie… dear, people will hold hate for what they do not understand.”

But what is there to understand about me?

I guess talking with spirits would be one of them, but I have met many others who can as well, they I do connect with and relate to.

Maybe that’s what people don’t like about me, maybe my spirituality shines through me and people just know I’m weird and don’t understand it. Maybe thats what this whole thing is about. Not jealousy or hatred or anything I’ve thought it was. But simply they are afraid of what they see, or feel, or think of me. Something they get when they look at me. I used to tell people, you will either love me, or you will hate me and I never fully understood why I said it until now. Maybe that is the reason. Who knows.

All I know is, it’s been a very lonely life, without Jesus growing up, I don’t think I would have been able to get through the bulling in school and in life.

Maybe one day people wont be so afraid of different and accept me, or maybe it’s just how it will always be and I will find one person who will and that’s all I ask for. Just one.

 

 

A Troubling Tale

There are many words for what I have been through and there are many sides of the story I am sure. My side is just a shadow of the picture, but is it the side you wish to see and believe, or the shadow you wish to escape and pretend never existed. A love is quite like that, a  love that left me bleeding with my heart exposed and a wound deep and a scar noticeable the longer time edged on.

When I was just a little girl which wouldn’t seem very long ago for most of you who look at me and think i am much younger then I am and maybe in a way I am, but in many ways I am beyond my years. I used to dream about my prince who would rescue me from my wicked castle and we would live happily ever after in a big house with lots of children. I got married young to a man who never really wanted to be my husband and got divorced after almost nine years of figuring that out, being too young and naive to see it first hand. I can look back now and see all the signs that said, stop, but love blinds you. Though it wasn’t close to the love I would soon feel. As I was leaving that life of entrapment and a stand still as it always felt as, I became involved with a man who I felt was a godsend. He said all the right things and he was so charming and smooth and artistic and musical and his name was so strong. I loved his look and his energy, I loved his everything, but I hated that he disliked so many things about me. I wanted him to see me as I saw him. Only wanted that. I loved him so much. I had prayed for years and years to fall in love so deeply, to feel that love you see in movies, that makes you do unthinkable things. Travel to be with that person, and I did just that. I traveled by myself to meet him and went the distance and changed my whole life for him but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I felt like I was on a treadmill and I kept running towards him but no matter what I would always fall backwards, away from his reach because he didn’t feel the same, yet claimed it was me who didn’t. He was certain it was me who didn’t care or put him first, yet everything I did proved I did. I felt defeated and pleaded for him to love me and for him to care more and want to spend time with me and love me for who I was, but he didn’t. That was wrong of me, because I shouldn’t have to ask someone to love me the same, or care, or want me as I wanted them. I fell hard for this man. Harder then I ever felt imaginable and now that there can be nothing between us because he will never see me that way, I have to live with the love, but the pain of never being able to express it. I have to live with the temptation of his love he dangles before me, I have to live with the bond I have, the connection. I have to live with the memories of his kisses, his passion. I miss him, but how can I miss what I never really had, I love him, but how can I love what wasn’t real.

Sometimes love blinds you and sometimes love changes you and you can’t go back, no matter how much you want to. I sometimes stand in the shower and let the water fall down on my face and let out breaths, deep breaths of all the air I can release from my lungs as if to empty my aching at least for a little bit. I want to forget. I want to give up the love I have for this man I will never receive. I want to be able to reach out my heart and hope another, man who laughs at my jokes, who sees my heart, who is attracted to my heart and soul more then my body. Who cares about me unconditionally. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and puts me first. Who wants to take care of me. I want to open my heart again, I’m so afraid to and I am still hoping deep down this other man who I can’t let go of will love me back as I’ve loved him, though I know he will never. It’s over. It’s never going to be and that very truth is what has me stuck. I can’t seem to accept it. He shows me the slightest emotional connection and I open my heart and wait for his embrace, but it never comes. It’s one sided as it always has been, and I am just a someone from his past, a notch on his belt, a glimpse of something that never came close to what he wanted. He used to tell me, “I wish you were thirty.” I’d ask him why because he said it so often in a breathy kind of way which told me he longed for it. he answered, “because you’ve be different..” I told him, I would always be me, no matter my age. It breaks my heart knowing I was never what he wanted and was never going to be. What did a number change?

Sometimes I think it’s me, like theres something wrong with me and thats why he couldn’t love me, but my heart knows better. I just wanted him to love me. I still do, and I don’t know how to let go of it. It’s hard. I guess that’s why there are so many broken heart songs in the world. Love leaves a scar and no matter what, no matter the songs you sing to get it out, no matter how many you tell about it, or how much you talk about it till people get sick of hearing it. It’s always there and your really in it alone, because truth is, no one understands a love like that until they feel it. When I love, I love hard. It’s how I am. I give it all I have without changing myself, which is mostly why it doesn’t work out. I wont change my creativity, or give up my beliefs etc. I want to be loved for me and I can’t pretend with someone, no matter how deeply I care for them. My soul wont let me, it’s like a promise i made with God and I keep my promises with my father. He has been there for me through every fall and rise and I will not turn my back on him, or our promises.

Love is lasting

But why do I have to love him when he will never love me?

 

Sooo Serious

Do you ever feel like the world is way too serious, so many rules and right ways and wrong ways of doing things, instead of just the basics? I have went through my years observing how serious people are and I am still unaffected by it. Not in a sense that it doesn’t bother me, because it defiantly does bother me, but in a sense that I haven’t caught the serious disease, which is kind of what it is. It spreads like wild fire, hate clings to hate as love clings to love. Only it is much harder to love then it is to hate. Why that is, is because love is much more worthy than hatred. It is a choice. I chose love from the very beginning, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect and have never slipped my footing and done bad or wrong things, what ever you will.

I have come across so many serious faces I have had to interact with and it doesn’t make me want to be like them, I feel bad for them because they have these unbreakable shields up that protect them from everything, even love. Today I thought about this on my morning out by myself while my mother watched my two little ones. I had to get some Tylenol because the only thing I have is Tylenol 3 which knocks me out and I can’t very well take that unless I have someone here to watch my little ones, which I don’t.

I was in my favorite clothes store, a place called Aardenes and I was looking for a cute outfit for my best friend Maggie. I love getting people I love gifts. Believe it or not, I am criticized for doing so a lot of times, I haven’t the clue why people judge me on that. I think it’s a kind thing to get someone you love something to brighten their days. I’d want that, so I give it. It’s how I am and I am proud of that quality I contain.

I was looking through the clothes and I found a tiger top which I found really awesome, because it reminded me of the movie I recently saw and loved called Life Of Pi. I also looked at some leggings and I couldn’t decided which leggings looked good with it so I asked a young lady that worked there to help me decide because I have absolutely no problem talking with girls, I actually find they are nicer to me than the males in this world. Unless of course they think they can score. Pfft. As if I were into that. Most think I am a very sexual person, little do they realize I hardly even think of it and have never been a very sexual being. I am mostly a disappointment to my ex’s because of their such beliefs before hand. What a let down to them.

The lady expressed she doesn’t like leggings and then was no help at all and asked her other co worker who again had no opinion. I mean come on? I could give opinions all day. So i ended up just getting what I decided and came up with, which was the tiger top for me and skull shirt and leggings for my friend Maggie bears. I think she’ll like it since she’s into skull stuff. I ain’t in particular but they are pretty cute.  I’ve been told I have great taste so, I guess it’ll be good and she’ll love it. That’s all that really matters is that she loves it.

The ladies didn’t hardly smile or talk all that friendly which kind of gets me down. I love bubbly cheery people who I can joke with and have a small yet comfortable conversation with, it really makes a difference in ones day. If you don’t believe me try it out on the world. Try being cheery and bubbly and when you click with another like you see how much the energy lifts in the room. I swear it’s so magical the effect it has on the room around you when two people engage like that. Yes yes I know one doing it makes some sort of effect, but I swear if you can get two people interacting in a cheery way, the whole room wants to join in. It’s contagious.

Here is the top I got and the outfit I got my Maggie Bears. I had to try on hers, believe it or not she and I turned out to be the same size. Even the same height which is pretty amazing to say the least. I really hope it makes her day when she gets it. 🙂

Surgery

I was very nervous and mostly scared to have it done, I had a surgery when I was a young child of the age of seven or eight and my memory was haunting. I remembered being put to sleep while my mom was being pulled out of the room and my arms were out towards her and I was screaming for her. I didn’t want to be alone, but then I was asleep and woke up to her on the hospital floor next to my bed and I offered her my bed, but she refused. I knew this time wouldn’t be like that. Not just because my mom wouldn’t be there, but because I was a grown woman now and I’ve went through five labors in my past, painful heart ache which I still can’t seem to shake no matter how hard I try and I just have the strength enough to reassure myself that I wont be alone. The nurses and doctors are compassionate beings there to help and that’s why they do what they do and if I had to trust anyone and put my fate in hands, it would be theirs.

I got up around 8:30 am and had a shower and braided my hair which is extremely complicated for me. I was never a girl capable of such things. Sure I was girly and liked dressing up nice, but I have a bit of a tom boy side to me which cuts down the middle. I did my best to braid my thick hair which was a pain in the ass to say the least and then I waited. I had to keep reminding myself that I couldn’t eat breakfast or have a glass of water. My mouth was dry and my lips were cracking, but I had swished a bit of shower water in my mouth and had some water while brushing my teeth. i guess that would have to do, I told myself.

It was close to 10:00 am so I had to pack a few things in my back pack like my id I needed and a book to read because I was most likely going to have to wait, which was kind of good because I find that sometimes waiting helps with my nerves because I get to the point where I am so tired of waiting that I am more ready and prepared to endure what I have to. If that makes any sense at all. So I left for the hospital a little after 10:00 am and checked in which required my being asked many personal questions and told to change into a hospital gown and slip on these long warm green socks that look horrible, but they weren’t made as a fashion trend. I got changed and sat in the uncomfortable chair in the room the nurse led me to and sat down and waiting for her. She came in about ten minutes later and sat on a chair across from me with her clip board asking me more personal questions anything from when my last period was to if I was wearing underwear. Ha! “well she told me to take everything off and put on the gown?” was that not including my underwear when they were doing a LEEP which requires that area. “sometimes I think they are very odd.” who isn’t though. It’s almost as amusing as when I had to give blood days before and the nurse had asked me if I am a bleeder or a fainter? I answered. “I’ve been known to faint a lot and yes when I am poked with sharp objects I tend to bleed.”

After she finished her questions with me she got up and turned for the door to leave and so I pulled out my book to read and wait and she stared at me and then with only her eyes I knew she wanted me to fallow her and i had misunderstood. I thought that room was were I was going to wait, but turns out that was just the dressing room. You see there is a musical chairs kind of thing going on when you go to the hospital, they have a room for everything. I fallowed her down the hallway to and smaller room and it was filled with noisy patients like myself  with their family member, waiting to have their surgery. All with the same doctor as me it turned out. It was like being inside all their heads at once because they were all nervous they said what was on their minds and talked and joked in a nervous way. I found them amusing because they were talking about how hungry and thirsty they were and how long they have been waiting and also how they had to open their mouth in the shower just to try and feel like they were drinking something. I found that funny and laughed because I did the exact same thing and thought I was the only one. Turns out I’m not so different then people think I am the only difference is i talk about it out loud. Turns out I’m not the only one who does either, but difference I think is I talk about it in everyday life where as others keep it to themselves unless they are nervous. I guess I am just nervous all the time. Which is completely true. I am a very nervous person. I have many anxiety as well. Possibly from growing up with abuse, who knows, but that’s just how I always have been. Very sensitive, nervous, compassionate, intuitive, creative and outspoken.

When I got to the waiting room there were about five different ladies waiting to go into surgery and within an hour or so of waiting two had went down for it and more patients had came, but only a few more. I had read almost my whole book and put it away getting too tired to read and very uncomfortable just sitting in the uncomfortable chair and I was freezing in my hospital gown. Other patients had came in with hospital blankets they draped over their shoulders and I wondered why i never got one. I kept thinking about asking for one the whole four hours I had to wait there, but chickened out. I figured someone would offer me one after seeing my shivering, but nope. It was down to me and this pretty blond girl left and she kindly asked me who my doctor was and when my surgery was set for and how long I’ve been waiting. Her eye brows raised after I told her and then she got up and asked the reception in the hallways how much longer it will be for me and then she came back and told me it would be 45 minutes or so, not too long. We both had a laugh about that. Forty five minutes was a long time, considering I had already been waiting almost five hours for my surgery, well past my scheduling. I pulled out my book and started reading again and about a half hour later the nurse came for me and checked my wrist band to make sure I was who I was and then lead me down. She wasn’t very talkative and reminded me of one of those bitter teachers that snarl at you for little things, so I kept my distance and tried not to make eye contact. I didn’t want her to say anything to make me more uncomfortable then I was. I silently prayed I’d have kinder doctors and nurses where I was going. I got to another waiting area, but this time I was put in a bed and the bitter lady brought me a warm blanket and draped it over me with still the same kind of look on her face as before. There was a tv on the wall in front of me and I stared at it, not really watching. I mostly watched and listened to the noises around me of the doctors and nurses joking with each other and the patient in the beds next to me with their family. I wished my family was there. I said that a few times in my head and thought of my ex a few times as well. Not sure why I do that, I can’t seem to shake him off. I guess when you loved someone that much it’s hard to ever really stop loving them, you just kind of go on with life and cover the pain up with other things. I used to pray to be so in love and feel so much in a kiss and then I had him, but now I wish I didn’t feel that because now I have nothing but a memory and a hole in my chest from where he’s not and will never be. I sighed to this and distracted myself again. There was a boring show on the tv playing. The only interesting thing about it was it had the girl who played Darlene in Roseanne.

The doctor man who puts you to sleep too big of a word to spell for me, finally came to my bed side and made a few jokes with me because he probably knew how nervous I was, he said I had delicate veins and got down on his knee to put my IV in and joked that I probably had a lot of guys doing that and I said, “no, not ever.” He didn’t respond to that and began rambling about something about his age showing and I joked and said, “my age still hasn’t shown” I turn into a sarcastic comedian when I’m nervous I guess. I sometimes feel like if I were being filmed I’d make a hit movie with some of the lines I come up with just randomly.

After my IV was in a nurse came and wheeled me in my bed down the hallway and into the OR into a room where there were a few nurses and my doctor greeted me and confirmed the surgery with me and got my permission again. They got me to slide over onto another bed and then got me to lay my arms in these stretched out arm things and talked to me and asked if I had any questions. I didn’t I was just nervous and wanted it to be over. I worried about the mask they put over my face and then they told me of a tube that goes down my throat and I told them don’t do it till I’m sleeping. They confirmed they wouldn’t till then after joking with me about it. At least they were trying to make me not so nervous, I’ll give them that, but that didn’t take away that I was nervous. Finally the mask went over my mouth and nose and they told me to take deep breaths. Them they said a few more breaths and I would fall asleep but I didn’t feel like it was working. I was still awake and was wondering why I wasn’t asleep yet and then I woke up and felt something over my mouth still and then a nurse removed it quickly and I fell back to sleep and then opened my eyes again and realized I was in a different room than I was. I was now in the recovery room going in and out of sleep. It was really strange feeling. I must have went in and out for about an hour and a half before I got moved into another room with a lady who had the same surgery done.

I was in my room for about an hour and a half and then I got picked up by my dad and had to get a prescription which are by far the worst pills I have ever had to consume and I have to take them for another week so that’s hell for me. Twice a day of hell. It’s disgusting. I can do it though.

I am glad the procedure is over and it was an interesting experience to say the least, but I’m so glad it’s over.

 

Busy as Bee’s

My day has been non stop. I am serious, I feel like my mind is running a million miles an hour and I can’t wait for it to be bed time and I can have a nice hot bubble bath and relax. I had to do more shopping today and get a few more groceries since it’s easier then doing a huge shop in one shot considering I only have a stroller to put food in. Plus it allows me to go for a walk with the kids and they enjoy that a lot. So I looked into getting a Po Box because I have a few people interested in purchasing my paintings and also some that want to send me some fan mail which is pretty awesome I think. I have always wanted to get one and think now is definitely the right time to do so.

I am feeling really good about everything in my life right now, I have my beautiful healthy children who are a God’s send, I have my creativity that surprises me every day. I have a PO Box. I am looking into going back to school to redo my ECE so that I can work in B.C. I am also seeing a nice guy right now. Friends right now, we’ll see how that goes, I’m not in a rush, I am just enjoying time. I see my friend John on tuesday and have more plans from there. 🙂

I am getting a few more things for my place like rugs, lamps to brighten up and make the place more homey.

Life is good right now and it feels nice to stand tall and feel good knowing the negative people that were in my life were wrong and I really can meet nice people and accomplish what i want to if I just believe in myself and go for it. God will do the rest.

Next week is going to be busy, tomorrow I’m going over to my parents and my dad’s going to help me make my first resume and then Monday I have to take Mimi to the vet for her next needles/clipping/program and then go down to see about getting sponsored for school. Tuesday I have a play group for the kids and then John comes over. The rest of the week I’m not too sure what’s going on, hopefully resting. Ha! I am also planning on working on another painting, I have in mind.